As I sit here going into the third hour with Porter sleeping on my chest, I am overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed with the love that has again multiplied in my heart to surround my third child. Overwhelmed that this tiny fella was just inside of my womb, and now he's here breathing on my chest.
And I am overwhelmed with the goodness of God. I don't want to sound foolish, but I was brought to my knees this morning at the complete realization that God worked a miracle in my life. There are many who will tell you that miracles don't happen; life is full of coincidences, some of which turn out well. I am not one of those people. I have seen the works of God in my life, in Porter's life.
*Sometime in the beginning of August I became pregnant - on the pill.
*On September 13, 2011, my OB told Scott and me not to "get attached" to our pregnancy.
*A week later, we were given a 20% chance of a "viable pregnancy."
*A week later, a large hemorrhage formed on my uterus and I had a lot of bleeding for many weeks. During that time, my OB also told me that there was still a high chance of losing our baby because the hemorrhage was growing.
*At 18 weeks, we found out that Porter was a boy, but he was "measuring small."
*At 23 weeks, Porter was still measuring small, a new "accessory placenta" was growing, and my contractions started.
*At 26 weeks, I went to the hospital for the first time for pre-term labor.
*Again at 28 weeks.
*Again at 31 weeks.
*Again at 33 weeks, 3 days.
*Porter was born at 33 weeks, 4 days. Weighing 4 lb, 2 oz; barely on the growth chart at 1%.
His weight went down to 3 lb, 9 oz, and he spent 19 days in the NICU - on a ventilator, IV, PICC line, antibiotics, photo therapy, and feeding tube.
And yet, here I sit with this precious life breathing in and out, in and out, on my chest. Full of life in spite of all the odds. Full of life in spite of what science and doctors had to say from the very beginning. As I look at Porter, I wonder what God has in store for this tiny fella. Surely it must be good. I'm not talking about being the president, or discovering a new planet with life. No, much bigger than that. That Porter will be a man after God's own heart.
A missionary who devotes his entire life to others that they may know and love God?
A business man who fights against corruption though it costs him promotions?
A father who leads his family closer and deeper in their relationship with God?
A husband who is devoted, loyal, gentle, a leader?
I feel that God has now given me a mission. I have always wanted and prayed to be a good Christian example for my children, though I fail more often than I care to admit. But, now God has placed another life in my hands - one that He and I had to fight for.
There were many times during my pregnancy where I would have a bad day (i.e. little patience, negative/mean tone of voice, selfishness), and I would cry out to God, "Why did you allow me to get pregnant again? I fail too often, and I don't want to keep failing. I am not good enough to be a mother again." I would be in tears for fear that not only was I going to mess up the lives and hearts of Ella Beth and Landon, but now another life and another heart was going to be put in my hands that I would be responsible and accountable for. And it scared me.
It still scares me. But, the miracle of Porter's life is not meant to condemn me. No, God is Good. The miracle of Porter's life is meant to be a blessing to me as his mother and as a blessing to our family. My prayer is that my heart will be broken for my children, all three of them. That their hearts will be my first concern each morning and my last at night. Their greatness is up to God, but I pray that I will faithfully lead them and love them as the mother He has called me to be.
Showing posts with label Pregnancy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pregnancy. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Home
We are home. We are all together.
And the Big Sister and Big Brother couldn't be more proud. And this Mama couldn't be happier. :)
Porter seems pretty content with being home, too. :)
God has been so good, so faithful.
And we are thankful.
And the Big Sister and Big Brother couldn't be more proud. And this Mama couldn't be happier. :)
Porter seems pretty content with being home, too. :)
God has been so good, so faithful.
And we are thankful.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Round Three, part 4
Sometimes life is just plain hard. And there's no way around it.
Just 7 days after being discharged from my c-section, I am alone with two rambunctious kiddos. And everything that could go wrong, does.
Scott ran me to the hospital this morning so that I could drop off my milk for Porter. We came home and Scott had literally just walked out the door for work when I realized I didn't have any more storage bottles for my breast milk. The NICU is very strict about how breast milk is handled and they require moms to use fresh storage bottles each time we pump. We are not allowed to reuse them, so when I realized I didn't have any more there was only one thing to do. I had to drive myself to the hospital with the kiddos in tow. I'm not supposed to be driving. I called my neighbor, but her kiddos were napping. I called a couple of other friends who were either unavailable at the time or the call went to voice mail. I had less than two hours until my next pumping session, so driving was inevitable.
Both Ella Beth and Landon are completely on edge right now. Telling them to load back up into the car was like telling them they could never have dessert again. Not to mention the slightest correction from me and they are a mess of tears. I wish their little hearts could have been protected from so much during the last 12 weeks of this crazy year, but this is a fallen world and sometimes life is just plain hard. Even for our children. They have missed the normalcy of life; the ease of being 5 and 4. Homeschooling on a routine schedule, field trips every week or so, playing outside on beautiful days, having Mama home all of the time. But life hasn't been routine or normal here for quite some time. And they still haven't met their baby brother who they pray for every day. I know it's hard on them.
It's hard on me.
Every day for the last 10 days I have been without my youngest son. I didn't get to see him for more than 12 hours after he was born, and every day since I have had to leave the NICU without him. In my post-partum room I could hear other babies crying in their mothers' rooms, only to be picked up and comforted. Those mamas gave birth and got to be with their babies right away. It's unfair to be separated from my tiny baby that I just brought into this world. No matter how "prepared" I was for our NICU stay from over two months of preterm labor, it is almost unbearable. Sometimes I don't know where the strength comes from for me to stand up and keep going; nothing is easy emotionally or physically.
The pain of healing from a c-section is rough, but add on top of that going back and forth to the hospital on a daily basis, caring for two emotionally strung out kiddos, and pumping every 3 hours around the clock...and the pain just adds up. I know I should be doing less and resting more, I just don't know how to work either of those into my life right now. When I am home, I have two needy children who want to be by my side every single minute. They want to "help" with everything, they want me to play, get them food and drinks, go outside; they get sad when I can't do it all, and they don't understand why. Ella Beth often says, "I wish it was like before when your belly didn't hurt and you could play with me." :( When I am at the hospital, there is a tiny little fella who needs his Mama. Or is it his Mama that needs him? Alarms and monitors are always going off, sweet nurses are coming in and out, I am pumping or nursing (or both) every 3 hours around the clock there, too. I don't know how to fit resting and healing into my days. And it hurts.
Tonight I had to give the kiddos a bath on my own. I got them in the tub with just the right amount of water and bubbles. It was time to pump, yet again, so I left them alone for all of 10 minutes. Now usually there will be a little water on the side of the tub from innocent playing, but not tonight. No, tonight there was a huge mess. Landon went to the potty before he got in the tub, but his little bladder decided he needed to go again. So he peed in a play cup. Instead of just leaving it until Mama came, he and Ella Beth decided to pour it into the potty. Well, they missed. I walked in to find a huge puddle of pee all over the floor next to and behind the toilet. Unfortunately for me, a puddle of pee is not something that can just sit until Daddy is home to clean it up. And letting the kiddos clean it up just wasn't an option. So here I am on all fours cleaning up pee all around the toilet. I am having to stretch and reach, and I can just feel my incision screaming at me. I am fighting off tears as much as possible because I have two overly sensitive kiddos watching my every move.
I want to scream at them for making me have to do this. I want to curl up into a ball and just cry over the pain and frustration that I feel. I want to shake my fists and just get mad.
But what's the point? Sometimes life is just plain hard.
And it is at times like these when I can do nothing more than cry out to God for mercy. To let Him know that I have reached my limit. At least for today. Tomorrow will bring its own set of trials, but I can't think of those tonight. Tonight, I just have to choose to believe that God is molding me with fire. Fire is hot, and it's unrelenting. But in the end it can produce great things, great outcomes. So I make up my mind over and over and over again to trust that God knows what He's doing.
"When you can't see God's hand, trust His heart."
Just 7 days after being discharged from my c-section, I am alone with two rambunctious kiddos. And everything that could go wrong, does.
Scott ran me to the hospital this morning so that I could drop off my milk for Porter. We came home and Scott had literally just walked out the door for work when I realized I didn't have any more storage bottles for my breast milk. The NICU is very strict about how breast milk is handled and they require moms to use fresh storage bottles each time we pump. We are not allowed to reuse them, so when I realized I didn't have any more there was only one thing to do. I had to drive myself to the hospital with the kiddos in tow. I'm not supposed to be driving. I called my neighbor, but her kiddos were napping. I called a couple of other friends who were either unavailable at the time or the call went to voice mail. I had less than two hours until my next pumping session, so driving was inevitable.
Both Ella Beth and Landon are completely on edge right now. Telling them to load back up into the car was like telling them they could never have dessert again. Not to mention the slightest correction from me and they are a mess of tears. I wish their little hearts could have been protected from so much during the last 12 weeks of this crazy year, but this is a fallen world and sometimes life is just plain hard. Even for our children. They have missed the normalcy of life; the ease of being 5 and 4. Homeschooling on a routine schedule, field trips every week or so, playing outside on beautiful days, having Mama home all of the time. But life hasn't been routine or normal here for quite some time. And they still haven't met their baby brother who they pray for every day. I know it's hard on them.
It's hard on me.
Every day for the last 10 days I have been without my youngest son. I didn't get to see him for more than 12 hours after he was born, and every day since I have had to leave the NICU without him. In my post-partum room I could hear other babies crying in their mothers' rooms, only to be picked up and comforted. Those mamas gave birth and got to be with their babies right away. It's unfair to be separated from my tiny baby that I just brought into this world. No matter how "prepared" I was for our NICU stay from over two months of preterm labor, it is almost unbearable. Sometimes I don't know where the strength comes from for me to stand up and keep going; nothing is easy emotionally or physically.
The pain of healing from a c-section is rough, but add on top of that going back and forth to the hospital on a daily basis, caring for two emotionally strung out kiddos, and pumping every 3 hours around the clock...and the pain just adds up. I know I should be doing less and resting more, I just don't know how to work either of those into my life right now. When I am home, I have two needy children who want to be by my side every single minute. They want to "help" with everything, they want me to play, get them food and drinks, go outside; they get sad when I can't do it all, and they don't understand why. Ella Beth often says, "I wish it was like before when your belly didn't hurt and you could play with me." :( When I am at the hospital, there is a tiny little fella who needs his Mama. Or is it his Mama that needs him? Alarms and monitors are always going off, sweet nurses are coming in and out, I am pumping or nursing (or both) every 3 hours around the clock there, too. I don't know how to fit resting and healing into my days. And it hurts.
Tonight I had to give the kiddos a bath on my own. I got them in the tub with just the right amount of water and bubbles. It was time to pump, yet again, so I left them alone for all of 10 minutes. Now usually there will be a little water on the side of the tub from innocent playing, but not tonight. No, tonight there was a huge mess. Landon went to the potty before he got in the tub, but his little bladder decided he needed to go again. So he peed in a play cup. Instead of just leaving it until Mama came, he and Ella Beth decided to pour it into the potty. Well, they missed. I walked in to find a huge puddle of pee all over the floor next to and behind the toilet. Unfortunately for me, a puddle of pee is not something that can just sit until Daddy is home to clean it up. And letting the kiddos clean it up just wasn't an option. So here I am on all fours cleaning up pee all around the toilet. I am having to stretch and reach, and I can just feel my incision screaming at me. I am fighting off tears as much as possible because I have two overly sensitive kiddos watching my every move.
I want to scream at them for making me have to do this. I want to curl up into a ball and just cry over the pain and frustration that I feel. I want to shake my fists and just get mad.
But what's the point? Sometimes life is just plain hard.
And it is at times like these when I can do nothing more than cry out to God for mercy. To let Him know that I have reached my limit. At least for today. Tomorrow will bring its own set of trials, but I can't think of those tonight. Tonight, I just have to choose to believe that God is molding me with fire. Fire is hot, and it's unrelenting. But in the end it can produce great things, great outcomes. So I make up my mind over and over and over again to trust that God knows what He's doing.
"When you can't see God's hand, trust His heart."
Our Tiny Fella
Most of the pictures that I post with updates on Facebook don't do any justice to Porter's tiny size. I am almost always holding him in my arms while I'm with him at the hospital, so all of the pictures I snap with my iPhone are very close up.
But, yesterday, I took my "real camera" and took some pictures. I want to always remember how tiny my littlest fella was, because I know he will grow up and it will be hard to remember just how ity bity Porter ever was.
Here is Porter in his very first outfit. It's a preemie sleeper, and he's just a swimmin' in it. ;)
A very tired Mama and Porter. :) He has the skinniest little arms!
Now, I have very small hands. My hand is about 6 inches from the tip of my middle finger to the heel of my palm. Porter's shoulders and body are only about 4 inches wide. And you can see that Porter's tiny arm is barely bigger than my finger!
Here is Porter's hospital crib. He is swaddled in two blankets in these pictures, and his little feet are only about 2/3 of the way down. It really is amazing that Porter is 18 1/2 inches long - most preemies at 33/34 weeks are somewhere between 15-16 inches long. His length makes him SO SKINNY. I'll have to get some pictures of him in a onesie b/c it's just too cute. :)
Any picture of Porter and Scott's hand really put into perspective just how tiny Porter is. Scott's hand literally swallows Porter's body, even here swaddled in two blankets.
Two of my favorite pictures. You can see in this picture that Scott's long and lean fingers really are bigger than Porter's tiny arms. Porter's hand is too small to even make it all the way around Scott's finger!
A smile from our happy tiny fella. :) We are all in LOVE with Porter Lane, and we are praying without ceasing that he will be home with us very soon!
But, yesterday, I took my "real camera" and took some pictures. I want to always remember how tiny my littlest fella was, because I know he will grow up and it will be hard to remember just how ity bity Porter ever was.
Here is Porter in his very first outfit. It's a preemie sleeper, and he's just a swimmin' in it. ;)
A very tired Mama and Porter. :) He has the skinniest little arms!
Now, I have very small hands. My hand is about 6 inches from the tip of my middle finger to the heel of my palm. Porter's shoulders and body are only about 4 inches wide. And you can see that Porter's tiny arm is barely bigger than my finger!
Here is Porter's hospital crib. He is swaddled in two blankets in these pictures, and his little feet are only about 2/3 of the way down. It really is amazing that Porter is 18 1/2 inches long - most preemies at 33/34 weeks are somewhere between 15-16 inches long. His length makes him SO SKINNY. I'll have to get some pictures of him in a onesie b/c it's just too cute. :)
Any picture of Porter and Scott's hand really put into perspective just how tiny Porter is. Scott's hand literally swallows Porter's body, even here swaddled in two blankets.
Look at Porter's beautiful head! I just love it - it's so perfectly perfect. :)
Two of my favorite pictures. You can see in this picture that Scott's long and lean fingers really are bigger than Porter's tiny arms. Porter's hand is too small to even make it all the way around Scott's finger!
A smile from our happy tiny fella. :) We are all in LOVE with Porter Lane, and we are praying without ceasing that he will be home with us very soon!
Friday, March 30, 2012
Round Three, part 3
On leaving the hospital and being at home without my baby.
To say that leaving the hospital without Porter was hard is a huge understatement. Scott had to work on Wednesday so I had all day to hang out with Porter in the NICU. I was there for every feeding and diaper change, I nursed him twice, and I spent time in his room just being with him while he slept during all of the times in between. I wanted to soak up as much time with him before I left. I think I convinced myself that I could store up a little quality time so that I wouldn't miss him so much; it didn't work.
When Scott came, he took Porter from my arms and I went to get a shower before the nurse came into to take out the staples from my incision. (I had been terrified about the staples coming out ever since learning that I would have a c-section. The anxiety about having them removed was way worse than them actually being taken out. Yay for one thing going better than expected!) After officially being discharged, we went back one last time to the NICU to say bye-bye.
It was honestly like Porter knew I was leaving because he was WIDE awake, which is very rare after a feeding, and he grabbed onto my finger and wouldn't let go. He just kept staring at me, and I told him, "You are going to have to break our staring contest first because Mommy can't do it. I'm not leaving until you are ready to let go." Melt my heart, he kept eye contact and kept holding my finger!!! He loves his mama already. :) But eye contact was finally broken, and I kissed him and told him I'd see him the next day. Then I had to will my feet to move and walk over to my wheelchair so Scott could take me downstairs to leave.
I have now been home for 36 hours without my son. Of course, I've been to the hospital twice to see Porter within that time, but being home without him is hard. There are things all over the house for Porter - the swing, his bed in our room, a book shelf in our room with tiny clothes and socks, blankets, diapers, etc, all set out for him. I'm not a glutton for punishment, but I do hold up his tiny clothes and try to imagine him in them. Always produces tears. Always engulfs my heart with the reality that part of my heart is not with me; it had to be left behind.
But having Ella Beth and Landon home with me have been great distractions. Scott had to work yesterday until about 3. Call me crazy, but I just wanted to jump back into normalcy. It's been so long since life at home has been normal! Of course, I still can't pick up the kiddos - which isn't normal - but other than that, we are getting there. I guess we will actually homeschool next week to get in another week of school before my "maternity leave" begins when Porter gets home. The flexibililty with homeschooling has been such a blessing to our family over the last 10 weeks. We have actually been able to stay on schedule, because Saturdays and evenings are always options at home. :)
Pumping is going relatively well. My milk supply is slowly increasing, and I am praying that it will double today. Porter is now completely off formula in his feeding tube and when they practice giving him a bottle - and I want to make more than enough milk so that he continues to only receive breast milk. Yesterday after noon when I went to visit Porter the first words out of his nurse's mouth were, "Well, he sure does prefer breastmilk over formula." Those were the words this mama needed to hear! If I can't be with him 24/7, at least I can feed him. I repeat those words over and over in my head while I am pumping and looking at pictures of Porter - whatever works to increase my milk. I am also now taking Fenugreek hoping to increase my milk. And praying, praying, praying!!!
The highlights of my day are definitely walking into Porter's room and seeing him for the first time. It's hard having had a c-section because my body wants to RUN once I enter the hospital, but my body can't run. I just waddle as fast as my pain tolerance will let me to get to my baby boy! Oh, I just love holding his tiny little self. He responds to my voice as soon as I speak, and my heart leaps! And I never knew how much I truly enjoyed nursing until 3 years after I thought I had stopped. Holding Porter and bonding with him in a way no one else can inflates my heart to an almost popping point. Because Porter is so tiny, I have to hold him in the "cross-over hold." I have to cup his tiny head in my hand to support him while he's nursing. Oh. My. Word. His tiny head literally fits into just the palm of hand. And his skinny little body rests against my chest. It's nice that his size really helps with nursing after a c-section. ;)
After nursing and holding him for about an hour, it's then time to place him back in his NICU bed. It ain't an easy thing to do. I always love the warm spot that lingers for a little while reminding me where his little body laid against me. I have found myself with my hand resting there as I'm walking out of the hospital. I guess I just want to hold on to whatever part of him I can as long as possible.
But then that warm spot is gone and I'm in the car to go home. It's hard. Knowing and understanding that the NICU is the best place for Porter right now does not ease the ache or fill the hole that's still in my chest. It's just not natural for a mama to be away from her baby, no matter how necessary it may be. And walking back into the house with all of his baby things starts the process all over again. There are a few onesies that are going to look "well worn" before Porter ever wears them because of all of the times that I hold them and refold them during the day.
It's a really good thing that I have Ella Beth and Landon here to love on, spend time with, and be distracted by...otherwise I'd become a crazy person. ;)
Right now there is no specific time frame in which Porter will come home. There are just milestones that he has to meet: Maintaining body temperature, successful feedings 8 times a day, no "flat lines" on his respiratory oxygen level, steady blood pressure and heart rate, car seat inspection, and mommy and daddy passing infant CPR. It seems like so much has to happen before Porter comes home, but I pray all day every day that Porter will bust through these milestones and come home with Mama soon!
(note: all pics were taken with iPhone...it was just easy to carry around.)
To say that leaving the hospital without Porter was hard is a huge understatement. Scott had to work on Wednesday so I had all day to hang out with Porter in the NICU. I was there for every feeding and diaper change, I nursed him twice, and I spent time in his room just being with him while he slept during all of the times in between. I wanted to soak up as much time with him before I left. I think I convinced myself that I could store up a little quality time so that I wouldn't miss him so much; it didn't work.
It was honestly like Porter knew I was leaving because he was WIDE awake, which is very rare after a feeding, and he grabbed onto my finger and wouldn't let go. He just kept staring at me, and I told him, "You are going to have to break our staring contest first because Mommy can't do it. I'm not leaving until you are ready to let go." Melt my heart, he kept eye contact and kept holding my finger!!! He loves his mama already. :) But eye contact was finally broken, and I kissed him and told him I'd see him the next day. Then I had to will my feet to move and walk over to my wheelchair so Scott could take me downstairs to leave.
I have now been home for 36 hours without my son. Of course, I've been to the hospital twice to see Porter within that time, but being home without him is hard. There are things all over the house for Porter - the swing, his bed in our room, a book shelf in our room with tiny clothes and socks, blankets, diapers, etc, all set out for him. I'm not a glutton for punishment, but I do hold up his tiny clothes and try to imagine him in them. Always produces tears. Always engulfs my heart with the reality that part of my heart is not with me; it had to be left behind.
But having Ella Beth and Landon home with me have been great distractions. Scott had to work yesterday until about 3. Call me crazy, but I just wanted to jump back into normalcy. It's been so long since life at home has been normal! Of course, I still can't pick up the kiddos - which isn't normal - but other than that, we are getting there. I guess we will actually homeschool next week to get in another week of school before my "maternity leave" begins when Porter gets home. The flexibililty with homeschooling has been such a blessing to our family over the last 10 weeks. We have actually been able to stay on schedule, because Saturdays and evenings are always options at home. :)
Pumping is going relatively well. My milk supply is slowly increasing, and I am praying that it will double today. Porter is now completely off formula in his feeding tube and when they practice giving him a bottle - and I want to make more than enough milk so that he continues to only receive breast milk. Yesterday after noon when I went to visit Porter the first words out of his nurse's mouth were, "Well, he sure does prefer breastmilk over formula." Those were the words this mama needed to hear! If I can't be with him 24/7, at least I can feed him. I repeat those words over and over in my head while I am pumping and looking at pictures of Porter - whatever works to increase my milk. I am also now taking Fenugreek hoping to increase my milk. And praying, praying, praying!!!
The highlights of my day are definitely walking into Porter's room and seeing him for the first time. It's hard having had a c-section because my body wants to RUN once I enter the hospital, but my body can't run. I just waddle as fast as my pain tolerance will let me to get to my baby boy! Oh, I just love holding his tiny little self. He responds to my voice as soon as I speak, and my heart leaps! And I never knew how much I truly enjoyed nursing until 3 years after I thought I had stopped. Holding Porter and bonding with him in a way no one else can inflates my heart to an almost popping point. Because Porter is so tiny, I have to hold him in the "cross-over hold." I have to cup his tiny head in my hand to support him while he's nursing. Oh. My. Word. His tiny head literally fits into just the palm of hand. And his skinny little body rests against my chest. It's nice that his size really helps with nursing after a c-section. ;)
After nursing and holding him for about an hour, it's then time to place him back in his NICU bed. It ain't an easy thing to do. I always love the warm spot that lingers for a little while reminding me where his little body laid against me. I have found myself with my hand resting there as I'm walking out of the hospital. I guess I just want to hold on to whatever part of him I can as long as possible.
It's a really good thing that I have Ella Beth and Landon here to love on, spend time with, and be distracted by...otherwise I'd become a crazy person. ;)
Right now there is no specific time frame in which Porter will come home. There are just milestones that he has to meet: Maintaining body temperature, successful feedings 8 times a day, no "flat lines" on his respiratory oxygen level, steady blood pressure and heart rate, car seat inspection, and mommy and daddy passing infant CPR. It seems like so much has to happen before Porter comes home, but I pray all day every day that Porter will bust through these milestones and come home with Mama soon!
(note: all pics were taken with iPhone...it was just easy to carry around.)
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Round Three, part 2
On having a preemie.
It's different in so many ways. Many of which I expected, but some I didn't. Even though I knew in my mind that Porter would be whisked away right after birth, I still expected to see him for a minute at least. It was hard to be able to hear him cry without ever seeing him. Not his face, not even a tiny foot. I was so glad Scott was able to be with him as much as possible because even after Ella Beth and Landon's births, if they left our room to go anywhere Scott went with them. We never sent the older kiddos to the nursery during the night, so if they went to be weighed or have any test/procedure run Scott was the one wheeling the bassinet down the halls. And, call us crazy, but that's just how we liked it. Our children are with us in just about everything we do day to day, and it really started on day 1 when we became parents.
So having Porter in the NICU is completely different from anything we've experienced before. I will admit that we have gotten better rest as a whole not having a newborn in the room with us, but I would trade that out immediately. I'd love to be sitting in my room, holding him in my arms, and listening to his sweet little newborn sounds - no matter how exhausted I was from a sleepless night. It's also been really hard not to have had Ella Beth and Landon meet their baby brother. For Landon, I honestly think he kinda just associates mama being in the hospital as kinda "normal" at this point since I was here 4 times in the last two months. But for sweet Ella Beth, she just wants to see her baby brother. Oh her little mama heart is just aching to see him and talk to him and kiss him. I hate that she has missed out on that so far, but I know that there will be years and years to come of her loving all over him!
Porter is in his NICU bed all day, except for when Scott and I are allowed to hold him during his feedings every three hours. During the time between feedings is when his body rests and he does all of his growing. His tiny little body expends a lot of energy and calories when he is awake, so allowing him to rest is of utmost importance at this stage. The nurses and doctors in the NICU are amazing. They love those sweet little babies, they talk to them, and they do everything they can for them. They are also just as amazing to the parents. They answer all of our questions and encourage us to come to Porter's room as often as we like. And we do. :)
One of the biggest challenges for me so far has been pumping. Neither Ella Beth nor Landon ever received formula because I nursed them from the moment they were born. It's much different this time. Most of Porter's feedings have been formula, but the nurses mix in whatever amount of breast milk I have been able to pump into his feedings. The stimulation of a breast pump is nothing like a baby latching on, so my milk is coming in slower. However, it is coming! I've been drinking so much water, and I'm trying to pump on Porter's eating schedule to work up my supply. Hopefully when I am discharged today I'll be able to get some herbs and tea to also bump up my supply. I'd love for Porter's formula feedings to be over completely. Not that I think formula is bad for him (or any other baby), but breast milk is just the best. And it's especially best for preemies because it is so much more easily digested by their tiny and sensitive systems. Porter has already shown a preference for my milk's sweet taste, too. :)
The hardest hurdle will be faced tonight when I am discharged to go home and Porter is not. Of course I know that Porter is getting the absolute best care possible here, and this is exactly where he needs to be. But knowing that doesn't make it any easier to leave the hospital without my baby boy in my arms. It's going to be emotional, it's going to break my heart. But I'll be back tomorrow and every day until he comes home because I'll need to nurse him and drop off milk each day.
Going home is also going to be difficult. A c-section is really worse than I thought it would be. Most people told me it would be the opposite, but it just hasn't been. Of course, my operation was a little more invasive than a typical c-section because they had to scrape my uterus where the placenta had calcified and also because I had my tubes tied. I was encouraged by the doctor who treated me for preterm labor the third time to go ahead and get my tubes tied because the likelihood of my body ever carrying another successful pregnancy after what my body has been through this time was highly unlikely. Scott and I tended to agree. Everything that my body has been through during the last 8 months has taken its toll. And, hey, we sure did end with a bang!
But going home is going to be rough. The kiddos are careful around Mama, but they are 5 and 4, and their first thoughts are not how careful they can be. They have energy, they love to play, and they are going to be so happy to have me home. Which will be wonderful. It's just going to be rather difficult. Good thing we have a great Daddy at home. :)
And we are looking forward to having all FIVE of us home together soon!
It's different in so many ways. Many of which I expected, but some I didn't. Even though I knew in my mind that Porter would be whisked away right after birth, I still expected to see him for a minute at least. It was hard to be able to hear him cry without ever seeing him. Not his face, not even a tiny foot. I was so glad Scott was able to be with him as much as possible because even after Ella Beth and Landon's births, if they left our room to go anywhere Scott went with them. We never sent the older kiddos to the nursery during the night, so if they went to be weighed or have any test/procedure run Scott was the one wheeling the bassinet down the halls. And, call us crazy, but that's just how we liked it. Our children are with us in just about everything we do day to day, and it really started on day 1 when we became parents.
So having Porter in the NICU is completely different from anything we've experienced before. I will admit that we have gotten better rest as a whole not having a newborn in the room with us, but I would trade that out immediately. I'd love to be sitting in my room, holding him in my arms, and listening to his sweet little newborn sounds - no matter how exhausted I was from a sleepless night. It's also been really hard not to have had Ella Beth and Landon meet their baby brother. For Landon, I honestly think he kinda just associates mama being in the hospital as kinda "normal" at this point since I was here 4 times in the last two months. But for sweet Ella Beth, she just wants to see her baby brother. Oh her little mama heart is just aching to see him and talk to him and kiss him. I hate that she has missed out on that so far, but I know that there will be years and years to come of her loving all over him!
Porter is in his NICU bed all day, except for when Scott and I are allowed to hold him during his feedings every three hours. During the time between feedings is when his body rests and he does all of his growing. His tiny little body expends a lot of energy and calories when he is awake, so allowing him to rest is of utmost importance at this stage. The nurses and doctors in the NICU are amazing. They love those sweet little babies, they talk to them, and they do everything they can for them. They are also just as amazing to the parents. They answer all of our questions and encourage us to come to Porter's room as often as we like. And we do. :)
One of the biggest challenges for me so far has been pumping. Neither Ella Beth nor Landon ever received formula because I nursed them from the moment they were born. It's much different this time. Most of Porter's feedings have been formula, but the nurses mix in whatever amount of breast milk I have been able to pump into his feedings. The stimulation of a breast pump is nothing like a baby latching on, so my milk is coming in slower. However, it is coming! I've been drinking so much water, and I'm trying to pump on Porter's eating schedule to work up my supply. Hopefully when I am discharged today I'll be able to get some herbs and tea to also bump up my supply. I'd love for Porter's formula feedings to be over completely. Not that I think formula is bad for him (or any other baby), but breast milk is just the best. And it's especially best for preemies because it is so much more easily digested by their tiny and sensitive systems. Porter has already shown a preference for my milk's sweet taste, too. :)
The hardest hurdle will be faced tonight when I am discharged to go home and Porter is not. Of course I know that Porter is getting the absolute best care possible here, and this is exactly where he needs to be. But knowing that doesn't make it any easier to leave the hospital without my baby boy in my arms. It's going to be emotional, it's going to break my heart. But I'll be back tomorrow and every day until he comes home because I'll need to nurse him and drop off milk each day.
Going home is also going to be difficult. A c-section is really worse than I thought it would be. Most people told me it would be the opposite, but it just hasn't been. Of course, my operation was a little more invasive than a typical c-section because they had to scrape my uterus where the placenta had calcified and also because I had my tubes tied. I was encouraged by the doctor who treated me for preterm labor the third time to go ahead and get my tubes tied because the likelihood of my body ever carrying another successful pregnancy after what my body has been through this time was highly unlikely. Scott and I tended to agree. Everything that my body has been through during the last 8 months has taken its toll. And, hey, we sure did end with a bang!
But going home is going to be rough. The kiddos are careful around Mama, but they are 5 and 4, and their first thoughts are not how careful they can be. They have energy, they love to play, and they are going to be so happy to have me home. Which will be wonderful. It's just going to be rather difficult. Good thing we have a great Daddy at home. :)
And we are looking forward to having all FIVE of us home together soon!
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Round Three, part 1
Seems like some where I heard that "third time's a charm." Well, it's proven to be a DOOZEY for us. Goodness...where to begin!
Most of the day Friday I just didn't feel "right." It had gotten to the point really that I didn't know what "right" really felt like any more, but Friday seemed to feel even more "not right." I drank my water, walked around, laid on my left side, sat in the floor, etc. Nothing seemed to work. :( Of course it was a night that the kiddos wanted to camp-out in the living room, so Scott set up their cots and got them all ready to camp while I tried to rest in our bedroom. But, I knew the inevitable was coming; I was just trying to put it off. After the kiddos fell asleep Scott came into the room and asked how I was. Well, I started crying (which would turn out to be the first of MANY tears and crying spells over the next 48 hours). I told him that if I called they would tell me to go to the hospital. I really, really didn't want to go.
But I finally called at 11 p.m. Guess what they said? "Go immediately to labor and delivery."
We were checked in and admitted to a Pre-Op room right from the get go. If I was in labor and it couldn't be stopped, they needed me to have easy access to the operating room. Turns out, it was needed. But more on that later. I was once again hooked up to an IV and monitors. Despite the fact that it was my forth time being admitted for pre-term labor, it really didn't make it any easier.
The third time I was in for pre-term labor (just one week earlier), I had a bad reaction to Terbutaline. So this time they put me on Magnesium Sulfate. Oh. My. Word. I don't even know how to describe how awful Mag made me feel. There really are no words because Wretched and Horrible and Miserable don't even come close. Bring on the tears for Major Meltdown #1. It was about 4 a.m. and Scott and I were finally trying to get settled for the night. Maybe it was the darkness settling in; maybe it was nerves; maybe it was both combined with the Mag. I don't know what started it exactly, but what I do know is that I started crying inconsolably. I couldn't even talk and explain to Scott why I was crying. It was bad. I was so overwhelmed with being in the hospital again and being pumped full of these drugs that made me feel so bad. How could something that made me feel so wretched possibly be good for Porter? Everything that went into my system passed through to him, and my Mama Bear instinct just reared its head. I wanted to rip out my IV so that it would just end.
Well, Scott and the nurses finally calmed me down enough to where I agreed to be a good patient and keep my IV in. The Mag started working to control my contractions, so after about 3 hours they stopped it. Of course, 10 minutes later the contractions were back and I had to go back on. There may or may not have been more tears... I literally just had to make up my mind to trust God, and I laid the situation at His feet.
So the doctor on call comes around to "check" me about 7o'clock that morning. I was 3+ cm and 50% effaced - meaning I was in labor and the contractions were working. She wanted to continue me on the Mag a little longer, but then stopped it around lunch time to see if the contractions would kick back in. I was able to eat a little something once the Mag started wearing off and the doctor came back in to "check" me again around 1 p.m. Well, she did and she asked, "Has your water broken?" I told her I wasn't sure, but I thought it may have. She immediately did an ultrasound in the room, expressed her concerns about Porter's size, and then noticed calcification on my placenta. They did a test for amniotic fluid leakage, and then we had to wait.
But not for very long. About 30 minutes later a nurse came in and said, "The test for amniotic fluid came back positive. Since you just ate lunch, your c-section has been scheduled for 8:30 tonight." And then she left the room. I was nervous and excited all at the same time. Excited that it was finally time for all of this to be over, excited to meet my little fella, but nervous as everything about the c-section. Unfortunately for me, I had all day to wait and let those nerves build and build.
At 8 p.m. Scott is told to put on his scrubs and the anesthesiologist comes in to administer my epidural. I had done an epidural before, so in my mind things were still normal. But all that ended when they told me to lay back down on the gurney and they started rolling me down the hall. I had a really nice nurse named Mary who asked, "Are you doing OK?" as we were going down the hall...and I said, "No."
Here's when the tears really started.
I cried from that moment until after my surgery was complete. I had puddles of tears in my ears. Seriously!
While I was being maneuvered from the gurney to the operating table, the tears were coming. The nurses and techs kept asking if I was alright, and I just shook my head no. Because I wasn't. When the blue curtain went up, more tears came. When the doctor said, "I'll talk to you and tell you everything that I'm doing," tears came. They just never stopped. All I could think was this isn't natural; this is not the way my baby is supposed to come into the world. This is not how a mama's body is made to deliver. This is not what I wanted for my third birth.
Lucky for me I have the best husband that God could have given me. Lucky for me, my man of few words decided that he needed to talk to me non-stop from the moment surgery began until the time it ended. Lucky for me, Scott showed me how much he loved me when I needed it most. I am one lucky, truly blessed lady.
So Porter was born just a screamin'! Those rounds of steroid shots really did their job. :) It was very hard to be able to hear him, but not be able to see him. Because of his pre-maturity there was none of the stuff that you see on A Baby Story where the doctor holds him up over the curtain or the nurse brings him over to my face. Nope, there was a team of doctors and nurses waiting in the corner of the operating room and they took him immediately once he was out. While I was being stitched up, the neonatologist came and got Scott. We decided beforehand, no matter how I was emotionally, Scott was to go with Porter. It was hard to let Scott go, but nurse Mary came over and took Scott's place.
Mary was with me every second during recovery, and Scott made a couple of appearances. He was as good as he could have been - running back and forth between two floors to check on me and stay connected with what was going on with Porter. He brought pictures to show me what was going on in the NICU while I stayed with Mary.
So about an hour later I was taken to my post-partum room, and in came Scott. Ahhhh! :)
OK, if you're queasy, you may not want to read this...but I want to document everything so I don't forget. Although, I don't think I could forget this if I tried.
Not too long after being in my post-partum room my new nurse was checking me out and noticed that my incision was bleeding A LOT. She called for the doctor who did my surgery to come in.
Start tears. Again.
Now, my epidural was still in, but don't think of it as the same level of epidural that I had during surgery to block everything. Don't even think of it as an epidural during a vaginal delivery to ease that pain. No, the epidural was now more of a "take the edge off." And it really wasn't working at all.
So the doctor told me that she was going to have to drain my incision - all 8 inches of it - by hand. Meaning, she had to push on and pinch my JUST OVER AN HOUR OLD SURGICAL INCISION to drain all of the blood that was pooling up in my abdomen. It was the most excruciating pain I have ever been in. All I could do in my head was scream not to throw up because that would be the only thing that could make the pain worse. It lasted for almost 15 minutes, and when it was over Scott told me he had the utmost respect for me after watching the doctor do that. It was excruciating.
After that, things settled down. Pain has become manageable. A c-section is a completely new experience for me. With Ella Beth and Landon I literally had the best labor experiences of anyone I have ever known. Easy recoveries, great hospital stays, ready to leave and go home.
This time...it's really, really hard. The pain is bad, and I am constantly trying out different pain tolerance plans - 2 percocet at night, 1 every four hours during the day + 2 Aleve every twelve hours. Sometimes if I walk too much, it's 2 Percocet a couple of times during the day. There's no easy way to get in or out of the bed, or go to the bathroom, or get dressed, or shower. It's just a whole new ballgame. And I am terrified of going home tomorrow night! I'm not ready!!! I want to stay another week to recover more and get the pain under control. Here Ella Beth and Landon visit, but then they go to Nana's. It's hard to stay out of the danger zone when the kiddos are around. They are right at my incision level, and Lord help all of us if they were to hit my incision. Terrified to go home!!!
But, insurance says I must go tomorrow. Gulp!
--
So that's part 1 of "Round Three." Tomorrow I'll update on how things have been with having a baby in the NICU. That's a whole new ballgame in and of itself, too.
Most of the day Friday I just didn't feel "right." It had gotten to the point really that I didn't know what "right" really felt like any more, but Friday seemed to feel even more "not right." I drank my water, walked around, laid on my left side, sat in the floor, etc. Nothing seemed to work. :( Of course it was a night that the kiddos wanted to camp-out in the living room, so Scott set up their cots and got them all ready to camp while I tried to rest in our bedroom. But, I knew the inevitable was coming; I was just trying to put it off. After the kiddos fell asleep Scott came into the room and asked how I was. Well, I started crying (which would turn out to be the first of MANY tears and crying spells over the next 48 hours). I told him that if I called they would tell me to go to the hospital. I really, really didn't want to go.
But I finally called at 11 p.m. Guess what they said? "Go immediately to labor and delivery."
We were checked in and admitted to a Pre-Op room right from the get go. If I was in labor and it couldn't be stopped, they needed me to have easy access to the operating room. Turns out, it was needed. But more on that later. I was once again hooked up to an IV and monitors. Despite the fact that it was my forth time being admitted for pre-term labor, it really didn't make it any easier.
The third time I was in for pre-term labor (just one week earlier), I had a bad reaction to Terbutaline. So this time they put me on Magnesium Sulfate. Oh. My. Word. I don't even know how to describe how awful Mag made me feel. There really are no words because Wretched and Horrible and Miserable don't even come close. Bring on the tears for Major Meltdown #1. It was about 4 a.m. and Scott and I were finally trying to get settled for the night. Maybe it was the darkness settling in; maybe it was nerves; maybe it was both combined with the Mag. I don't know what started it exactly, but what I do know is that I started crying inconsolably. I couldn't even talk and explain to Scott why I was crying. It was bad. I was so overwhelmed with being in the hospital again and being pumped full of these drugs that made me feel so bad. How could something that made me feel so wretched possibly be good for Porter? Everything that went into my system passed through to him, and my Mama Bear instinct just reared its head. I wanted to rip out my IV so that it would just end.
Well, Scott and the nurses finally calmed me down enough to where I agreed to be a good patient and keep my IV in. The Mag started working to control my contractions, so after about 3 hours they stopped it. Of course, 10 minutes later the contractions were back and I had to go back on. There may or may not have been more tears... I literally just had to make up my mind to trust God, and I laid the situation at His feet.
So the doctor on call comes around to "check" me about 7o'clock that morning. I was 3+ cm and 50% effaced - meaning I was in labor and the contractions were working. She wanted to continue me on the Mag a little longer, but then stopped it around lunch time to see if the contractions would kick back in. I was able to eat a little something once the Mag started wearing off and the doctor came back in to "check" me again around 1 p.m. Well, she did and she asked, "Has your water broken?" I told her I wasn't sure, but I thought it may have. She immediately did an ultrasound in the room, expressed her concerns about Porter's size, and then noticed calcification on my placenta. They did a test for amniotic fluid leakage, and then we had to wait.
But not for very long. About 30 minutes later a nurse came in and said, "The test for amniotic fluid came back positive. Since you just ate lunch, your c-section has been scheduled for 8:30 tonight." And then she left the room. I was nervous and excited all at the same time. Excited that it was finally time for all of this to be over, excited to meet my little fella, but nervous as everything about the c-section. Unfortunately for me, I had all day to wait and let those nerves build and build.
At 8 p.m. Scott is told to put on his scrubs and the anesthesiologist comes in to administer my epidural. I had done an epidural before, so in my mind things were still normal. But all that ended when they told me to lay back down on the gurney and they started rolling me down the hall. I had a really nice nurse named Mary who asked, "Are you doing OK?" as we were going down the hall...and I said, "No."
Here's when the tears really started.
I cried from that moment until after my surgery was complete. I had puddles of tears in my ears. Seriously!
While I was being maneuvered from the gurney to the operating table, the tears were coming. The nurses and techs kept asking if I was alright, and I just shook my head no. Because I wasn't. When the blue curtain went up, more tears came. When the doctor said, "I'll talk to you and tell you everything that I'm doing," tears came. They just never stopped. All I could think was this isn't natural; this is not the way my baby is supposed to come into the world. This is not how a mama's body is made to deliver. This is not what I wanted for my third birth.
Lucky for me I have the best husband that God could have given me. Lucky for me, my man of few words decided that he needed to talk to me non-stop from the moment surgery began until the time it ended. Lucky for me, Scott showed me how much he loved me when I needed it most. I am one lucky, truly blessed lady.
So Porter was born just a screamin'! Those rounds of steroid shots really did their job. :) It was very hard to be able to hear him, but not be able to see him. Because of his pre-maturity there was none of the stuff that you see on A Baby Story where the doctor holds him up over the curtain or the nurse brings him over to my face. Nope, there was a team of doctors and nurses waiting in the corner of the operating room and they took him immediately once he was out. While I was being stitched up, the neonatologist came and got Scott. We decided beforehand, no matter how I was emotionally, Scott was to go with Porter. It was hard to let Scott go, but nurse Mary came over and took Scott's place.
Mary was with me every second during recovery, and Scott made a couple of appearances. He was as good as he could have been - running back and forth between two floors to check on me and stay connected with what was going on with Porter. He brought pictures to show me what was going on in the NICU while I stayed with Mary.
So about an hour later I was taken to my post-partum room, and in came Scott. Ahhhh! :)
OK, if you're queasy, you may not want to read this...but I want to document everything so I don't forget. Although, I don't think I could forget this if I tried.
Not too long after being in my post-partum room my new nurse was checking me out and noticed that my incision was bleeding A LOT. She called for the doctor who did my surgery to come in.
Start tears. Again.
Now, my epidural was still in, but don't think of it as the same level of epidural that I had during surgery to block everything. Don't even think of it as an epidural during a vaginal delivery to ease that pain. No, the epidural was now more of a "take the edge off." And it really wasn't working at all.
So the doctor told me that she was going to have to drain my incision - all 8 inches of it - by hand. Meaning, she had to push on and pinch my JUST OVER AN HOUR OLD SURGICAL INCISION to drain all of the blood that was pooling up in my abdomen. It was the most excruciating pain I have ever been in. All I could do in my head was scream not to throw up because that would be the only thing that could make the pain worse. It lasted for almost 15 minutes, and when it was over Scott told me he had the utmost respect for me after watching the doctor do that. It was excruciating.
After that, things settled down. Pain has become manageable. A c-section is a completely new experience for me. With Ella Beth and Landon I literally had the best labor experiences of anyone I have ever known. Easy recoveries, great hospital stays, ready to leave and go home.
This time...it's really, really hard. The pain is bad, and I am constantly trying out different pain tolerance plans - 2 percocet at night, 1 every four hours during the day + 2 Aleve every twelve hours. Sometimes if I walk too much, it's 2 Percocet a couple of times during the day. There's no easy way to get in or out of the bed, or go to the bathroom, or get dressed, or shower. It's just a whole new ballgame. And I am terrified of going home tomorrow night! I'm not ready!!! I want to stay another week to recover more and get the pain under control. Here Ella Beth and Landon visit, but then they go to Nana's. It's hard to stay out of the danger zone when the kiddos are around. They are right at my incision level, and Lord help all of us if they were to hit my incision. Terrified to go home!!!
But, insurance says I must go tomorrow. Gulp!
--
So that's part 1 of "Round Three." Tomorrow I'll update on how things have been with having a baby in the NICU. That's a whole new ballgame in and of itself, too.
Monday, March 19, 2012
34 week VENT
This morning I went to the doctor for a follow-up from being discharged from the hospital a day and a half ago. It wasn't the best appointment.
For starters, I was feeling rather rough again this morning, but I really thought I could fake it through my appointment. Turns out, those darn nurses and midwives and blood pressure machines are pretty smart. My blood pressure was higher than it's ever been this morning, and it was due to the fact that I was sitting in the doctor's office in pre-term labor yet again. Seriously? You've got to be kidding me. I knew that I was having some discomfort, but really???
So I am monitored and "checked out" and I am told that I need to go back to the hospital. Well, that was too much for this over-it-and-on-the-edge mama to take. I just started crying. Wasn't I JUST discharged??? I begged and pleaded, and cried. There is nothing good about being in the hospital. Nothing. And the fact that I'm going to have to be there longer after Porter is born is NOT a benefit of a c-section. Waaaaa!
The doctor and midwife want to "re-evaluate" my due date and bump me back a week since I am still measuring "so small." OK, seriously? I have been on the same small growth curve this entire pregnancy, and even though I did gain more weight with Ella Beth and Landon and grow a few more centimeters...I still just have little babies. Sometimes I feel like the people who should know better forget to add common sense into their evaluations. And, it's just driving me crazy. Waaaaa!
They sent me to the hospital for pre-term labor last Thursday, but then sent me home 3 days later b/c my blood pressure was rising due to my swelling and continuous medications. Today, they want to ignore the blood pressure and send me back to the hospital b/c I am in pre-term labor again. "It's finding a balance," they say.
I can't win, and this whole back-and-forth is really hard to take. Of course, I want a healthy baby boy more than anything...but if it's going to cost me my sanity, they are just going to have to fully sedate me until it's time to deliver. I can't take much more of this! Not to mention that it's also really hard on Scott and the kiddos. Poor Scott has more work than he knows what to do with (which is a huge blessing being self-employeed) - just not the easiest schedule to keep right now, and the kiddos are beyond confused. I try my hardest not to wince in front of them when the contractions and cramping start, and when I left to go to the doctor this morning Ella Beth asked, "Are you coming home?" They just have such sweet spirits, and they just want their mama. Love them so much!
But, I did "win" at the doctor. I told them I just wanted to go home (there may or may not have been a runny nose and sobs involved). If more contractions start or any of the "other signs" that I am to watch for closely show, then it's back to the hospital for me - where I "will NOT be released under any circumstance." So, hopefully, Porter and I will stay out of the hospital and then next time I'm there it's to celebrate his much anticipated and glorious birthday.
I know that within a year's time, maybe even less, this whole pregnancy will be a blur and will be a thing of the past. I know that there are women who would give their right arms to be in my position - with a living baby inside their wombs; I was one of those women. I also know that God is stretching me way beyond what I thought I could endure to allow me to relinquish all control and to trust in Him. My heart and my head know this. And I truly am thankful. But sometimes it's really, really hard.
My prayer request would be that Porter stay healthy and strong, and that I will deliver in about two weeks. :)
For starters, I was feeling rather rough again this morning, but I really thought I could fake it through my appointment. Turns out, those darn nurses and midwives and blood pressure machines are pretty smart. My blood pressure was higher than it's ever been this morning, and it was due to the fact that I was sitting in the doctor's office in pre-term labor yet again. Seriously? You've got to be kidding me. I knew that I was having some discomfort, but really???
So I am monitored and "checked out" and I am told that I need to go back to the hospital. Well, that was too much for this over-it-and-on-the-edge mama to take. I just started crying. Wasn't I JUST discharged??? I begged and pleaded, and cried. There is nothing good about being in the hospital. Nothing. And the fact that I'm going to have to be there longer after Porter is born is NOT a benefit of a c-section. Waaaaa!
The doctor and midwife want to "re-evaluate" my due date and bump me back a week since I am still measuring "so small." OK, seriously? I have been on the same small growth curve this entire pregnancy, and even though I did gain more weight with Ella Beth and Landon and grow a few more centimeters...I still just have little babies. Sometimes I feel like the people who should know better forget to add common sense into their evaluations. And, it's just driving me crazy. Waaaaa!
They sent me to the hospital for pre-term labor last Thursday, but then sent me home 3 days later b/c my blood pressure was rising due to my swelling and continuous medications. Today, they want to ignore the blood pressure and send me back to the hospital b/c I am in pre-term labor again. "It's finding a balance," they say.
I can't win, and this whole back-and-forth is really hard to take. Of course, I want a healthy baby boy more than anything...but if it's going to cost me my sanity, they are just going to have to fully sedate me until it's time to deliver. I can't take much more of this! Not to mention that it's also really hard on Scott and the kiddos. Poor Scott has more work than he knows what to do with (which is a huge blessing being self-employeed) - just not the easiest schedule to keep right now, and the kiddos are beyond confused. I try my hardest not to wince in front of them when the contractions and cramping start, and when I left to go to the doctor this morning Ella Beth asked, "Are you coming home?" They just have such sweet spirits, and they just want their mama. Love them so much!
But, I did "win" at the doctor. I told them I just wanted to go home (there may or may not have been a runny nose and sobs involved). If more contractions start or any of the "other signs" that I am to watch for closely show, then it's back to the hospital for me - where I "will NOT be released under any circumstance." So, hopefully, Porter and I will stay out of the hospital and then next time I'm there it's to celebrate his much anticipated and glorious birthday.
I know that within a year's time, maybe even less, this whole pregnancy will be a blur and will be a thing of the past. I know that there are women who would give their right arms to be in my position - with a living baby inside their wombs; I was one of those women. I also know that God is stretching me way beyond what I thought I could endure to allow me to relinquish all control and to trust in Him. My heart and my head know this. And I truly am thankful. But sometimes it's really, really hard.
My prayer request would be that Porter stay healthy and strong, and that I will deliver in about two weeks. :)
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Home Sweet Home
Believe me when I say that no one was more shocked than me when the doctor came in this morning, talked to me for about 20 minutes, and then asked if I wanted to go home. What?!?! After the last couple of days, Scott and the nurses had me convinced that I'd be in the hospital until it was time to deliver. Shocked! In all honesty, other than just being out of the hospital, I am so glad to be here for Ella Beth's sake. She is such my little sensitive and intuitive little girl, so having me gone for days and in the hospital has been hard on her. Happy to be here where I'm needed. :)
This morning, the doctor checked me out and noticed that I was swelling a LOT. Of course it is due to the continuous IV fluids and the fact that I was only allowed out of bed to go to the bathroom. Even with my feet constantly raised and sexy compression leggins (ha!), the swelling was getting worse by the hour. Because I am already high risk, extra fluid building up (especially when it was happening so fast) could put me at an even higher risk for pre-eclampsia. The doctor wants to avoid adding that on to my body at all costs!
I was sent home with 187 pills of Procardia to help lessen my contractions and strict instructions. I am 2 cm dilated and 30% effaced, so the contractions are definitely changing me. I was told that the next time they see me, whether it be Monday or in three weeks...Porter will be delivered. Hoping for at least another week or two to keep him baking! I go back to my OB on Monday, and they will check me out to see if anything has progressed since my release fromprison the hospital. ;)
So I am home resting on the couch while my mama took the kiddos out for a little while. As I walked into our home, my first thought was, "Our house may be small, but it's still home and I am so happy to be here with my family!"
This morning, the doctor checked me out and noticed that I was swelling a LOT. Of course it is due to the continuous IV fluids and the fact that I was only allowed out of bed to go to the bathroom. Even with my feet constantly raised and sexy compression leggins (ha!), the swelling was getting worse by the hour. Because I am already high risk, extra fluid building up (especially when it was happening so fast) could put me at an even higher risk for pre-eclampsia. The doctor wants to avoid adding that on to my body at all costs!
I was sent home with 187 pills of Procardia to help lessen my contractions and strict instructions. I am 2 cm dilated and 30% effaced, so the contractions are definitely changing me. I was told that the next time they see me, whether it be Monday or in three weeks...Porter will be delivered. Hoping for at least another week or two to keep him baking! I go back to my OB on Monday, and they will check me out to see if anything has progressed since my release from
So I am home resting on the couch while my mama took the kiddos out for a little while. As I walked into our home, my first thought was, "Our house may be small, but it's still home and I am so happy to be here with my family!"
Friday, March 16, 2012
Hospital bedrest and updates
So...hospital bedrest is much different than bedrest at home. Turns out, I should have enjoyed/appreciated bedrest at home a lot more. Ha!
I guess the hardest things about being in the hospital is that I am here alone much more than ever being at home. Scott has been in and out for the last two days, but with two other kiddos it's not like both of us can drop everything for an indefinite amount of time. Landon had his 4 year old check up today, so Scott left early this morning to go home and shower before taking Landon at 10 a.m. This is the first appointment that I've never gone to for either one of the kiddos; it was a little sad. But Scott has to work all weekend to make up for not working yesterday and today, so alone I'll be. Hopefully, I will have two little toe-heads popping in a time or two to brighten my days. :)
For right now, I am here until "at least Monday." I will be 34 weeks on Monday, which is good. If I can make it to 35 weeks that would be really good! The contractions haven't stopped, but they are being managed by medications. I was being given Terburtaline, but started having pretty serious side effects so they switched me to Procardia. They have had to increase my dosage because it was wearing off about 3 hours into the 8 hour dose; so now I take it every 4 hours. As someone who doesn't take meds very often, it's kinda hard to take drugs over and over - especially being pregnant. But as one of my nurses told me, "We are in the business of making babies healthy so everything we give you and do to you is for baby's best interest." Trusting, trusting, trusting!
I saw the perinatologist yesterday. It was a good appointment, and it was a little disheartening all in one. Porter looks good - measuring right at 4 lbs even, so he has kept his growth pattern consistent. The perinatologist said he if he were to make it to the same fetal age as Landon, he would be about the same size. But, it was disheartening to know that Porter is not only still in the frank breech position, but his tushy has "lodged into my pelvis and isn't going anywhere." Therefore, unless a huge miracle were to move this little fella out of his comfort zone, I will be having a c-section. I must say that there were tears shed because a c-section is just not what I had in mind. After two incredibly easy vaginal deliveries, I definitely didn't expect to have to change that. But, I am thankful that God has prepared me ahead of time. The more I talk about it with Scott, and the more I hear the doctors talk about it, the more the reality is sinking in. I am also researching a lot online and with friends who have had c-sections to prepare myself for what happens afterward. It's going to be tricky nursing at first, being in pain and on (more) drugs to manage pain, not being able to move easily or drive or go up/down stairs, etc...it's all going to be very different. But, I'm just thankful to prepare myself as much as possible.
It's so funny how the LESS I do the MORE tired I am. Of course, my body has been working hard in contracting multiple times an hour...but since I'm not allowed to even walk the halls, it's just hard to believe how tired I am. That being said...I think I'll try to catch a little shut-eye. Well, until the nurses come in and wake me up. ;)
Thank you, thank you for your prayers! They are appreciated and valued more than I can explain.
I guess the hardest things about being in the hospital is that I am here alone much more than ever being at home. Scott has been in and out for the last two days, but with two other kiddos it's not like both of us can drop everything for an indefinite amount of time. Landon had his 4 year old check up today, so Scott left early this morning to go home and shower before taking Landon at 10 a.m. This is the first appointment that I've never gone to for either one of the kiddos; it was a little sad. But Scott has to work all weekend to make up for not working yesterday and today, so alone I'll be. Hopefully, I will have two little toe-heads popping in a time or two to brighten my days. :)
For right now, I am here until "at least Monday." I will be 34 weeks on Monday, which is good. If I can make it to 35 weeks that would be really good! The contractions haven't stopped, but they are being managed by medications. I was being given Terburtaline, but started having pretty serious side effects so they switched me to Procardia. They have had to increase my dosage because it was wearing off about 3 hours into the 8 hour dose; so now I take it every 4 hours. As someone who doesn't take meds very often, it's kinda hard to take drugs over and over - especially being pregnant. But as one of my nurses told me, "We are in the business of making babies healthy so everything we give you and do to you is for baby's best interest." Trusting, trusting, trusting!
I saw the perinatologist yesterday. It was a good appointment, and it was a little disheartening all in one. Porter looks good - measuring right at 4 lbs even, so he has kept his growth pattern consistent. The perinatologist said he if he were to make it to the same fetal age as Landon, he would be about the same size. But, it was disheartening to know that Porter is not only still in the frank breech position, but his tushy has "lodged into my pelvis and isn't going anywhere." Therefore, unless a huge miracle were to move this little fella out of his comfort zone, I will be having a c-section. I must say that there were tears shed because a c-section is just not what I had in mind. After two incredibly easy vaginal deliveries, I definitely didn't expect to have to change that. But, I am thankful that God has prepared me ahead of time. The more I talk about it with Scott, and the more I hear the doctors talk about it, the more the reality is sinking in. I am also researching a lot online and with friends who have had c-sections to prepare myself for what happens afterward. It's going to be tricky nursing at first, being in pain and on (more) drugs to manage pain, not being able to move easily or drive or go up/down stairs, etc...it's all going to be very different. But, I'm just thankful to prepare myself as much as possible.
It's so funny how the LESS I do the MORE tired I am. Of course, my body has been working hard in contracting multiple times an hour...but since I'm not allowed to even walk the halls, it's just hard to believe how tired I am. That being said...I think I'll try to catch a little shut-eye. Well, until the nurses come in and wake me up. ;)
Thank you, thank you for your prayers! They are appreciated and valued more than I can explain.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Pregnancy update :: 33 weeks
I am 33 weeks pregnant. I honestly can't believe we've made it this far, but I am thankful! There are "signs" that things have started happening for impending labor, but only time will tell.
Heartburn? Rarely these days, so that's a plus.
Maternity clothes? I think we've covered this...but YES. I still have a hard time finding things to fit (being very petite does have downsides), and I seriously wear the same 6 shirts over and over. But, with the weather warming up to the high 70s low - 80s this week, I'm just having to wear whatever I can - whether it's fashionable or not. ;)
Weight gain? Yes. I've had lots of tummy issues with this pregnancy, so my weight has shifted dramatically between my recent appointments.
Swelling? Up until this weekend, just normal swelling. But, with the warming temps, my fingers are very swollen and my feet look a little pudgy to me. My face also looks like it's fattened up again. I'll blame that on the heat, too. Can't believe I want to turn the AC on in March!
Cravings? Pineapple, pineapple, pineapple. And, chips and salsa.
Feeling movement? Yes, although his movements have changed from punches to rolling around these days. I'm just hoping he's rolled into a head DOWN position by now.
Tired? Yawn, I mean Yes. It's an early bed time for this mama every night.
"Pluses" from this pregnancy: 1) I again do not have the dark line down my belly. I wonder if it's hormonal because I had it with Ella Beth, but have not had it with either of the boys' pregnancies. 2) While my back has started aching, I have not had sciatica. I had it with Ella Beth, but not this go 'round. 3) I haven't cut my hair! I cut my hair to a short bob at the end of my two previous pregnancies, and I promised myself I wouldn't do it again.
Favorite pregnancy moment this month? Ella Beth's love of her little brother is one of my favorite memories for this entire pregnancy. She is going to be SUCH a great big, big sister and is going to be such a great help to me. She runs up and hugs Porter a number of times each day. She talks to him and about him. She will say, "Mommy, you go sit down and rest so you and Porter will feel well" throughout the day. And she's just so excited about his arrival. She prays for him daily and nightly, and it's just so sweet the bond that she already has with him. I can't wait for them to meet and to watch Ella Beth's "little mama" come into action! (Of course, I'm already preparing myself mentally for the extra "help" that she is going to bring - but I know that she will be doing everything with the sweetest of intentions, and that melts my heart. )
--
Pictures:
There are two belly shots this month. I can't believe I actually post these pics. Whew, look at that belly!!!
Heartburn? Rarely these days, so that's a plus.
Maternity clothes? I think we've covered this...but YES. I still have a hard time finding things to fit (being very petite does have downsides), and I seriously wear the same 6 shirts over and over. But, with the weather warming up to the high 70s low - 80s this week, I'm just having to wear whatever I can - whether it's fashionable or not. ;)
Weight gain? Yes. I've had lots of tummy issues with this pregnancy, so my weight has shifted dramatically between my recent appointments.
Swelling? Up until this weekend, just normal swelling. But, with the warming temps, my fingers are very swollen and my feet look a little pudgy to me. My face also looks like it's fattened up again. I'll blame that on the heat, too. Can't believe I want to turn the AC on in March!
Cravings? Pineapple, pineapple, pineapple. And, chips and salsa.
Feeling movement? Yes, although his movements have changed from punches to rolling around these days. I'm just hoping he's rolled into a head DOWN position by now.
Tired? Yawn, I mean Yes. It's an early bed time for this mama every night.
"Pluses" from this pregnancy: 1) I again do not have the dark line down my belly. I wonder if it's hormonal because I had it with Ella Beth, but have not had it with either of the boys' pregnancies. 2) While my back has started aching, I have not had sciatica. I had it with Ella Beth, but not this go 'round. 3) I haven't cut my hair! I cut my hair to a short bob at the end of my two previous pregnancies, and I promised myself I wouldn't do it again.
Favorite pregnancy moment this month? Ella Beth's love of her little brother is one of my favorite memories for this entire pregnancy. She is going to be SUCH a great big, big sister and is going to be such a great help to me. She runs up and hugs Porter a number of times each day. She talks to him and about him. She will say, "Mommy, you go sit down and rest so you and Porter will feel well" throughout the day. And she's just so excited about his arrival. She prays for him daily and nightly, and it's just so sweet the bond that she already has with him. I can't wait for them to meet and to watch Ella Beth's "little mama" come into action! (Of course, I'm already preparing myself mentally for the extra "help" that she is going to bring - but I know that she will be doing everything with the sweetest of intentions, and that melts my heart. )
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Pictures:
There are two belly shots this month. I can't believe I actually post these pics. Whew, look at that belly!!!
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Thank you
First, let me just say that I am thankful for being allowed to be honest. It's not always easy for me (or anyone) to be completely vulnerable. But, I was and it was good for me.
So here I am now and as I told my friend, Chelsea - I have cried myself a river, built myself a bridge, and now it's time to just get over it.
This pregnancy is a LOT like motherhood. It's just plain hard. But I can't lay in bed each morning scared of getting up because it's too hard. No, I have to embrace it for what it is and dive fully in.
Lest anyone think that I'm not happy to have another sweet baby on the way, let me say that is NOT the case. Sure, this pregnancy was a surprise...but so was Landon's. And boy do I love that kid!!! I am grateful for the opportunity to bring another sweet life into this world and be called his mama. Believe me, no one could think worse things about me than I have thought of myself. I have fought with feeling selfish, stupid, ungrateful, whiny, weak - believe me the list could go on. But, I'm choosing to get on that bridge and get over it.
Besides, I have a sweet little boy who is turning 4 in just 5 short days. What better distraction could I ask for?
So here I am now and as I told my friend, Chelsea - I have cried myself a river, built myself a bridge, and now it's time to just get over it.
This pregnancy is a LOT like motherhood. It's just plain hard. But I can't lay in bed each morning scared of getting up because it's too hard. No, I have to embrace it for what it is and dive fully in.
Lest anyone think that I'm not happy to have another sweet baby on the way, let me say that is NOT the case. Sure, this pregnancy was a surprise...but so was Landon's. And boy do I love that kid!!! I am grateful for the opportunity to bring another sweet life into this world and be called his mama. Believe me, no one could think worse things about me than I have thought of myself. I have fought with feeling selfish, stupid, ungrateful, whiny, weak - believe me the list could go on. But, I'm choosing to get on that bridge and get over it.
Besides, I have a sweet little boy who is turning 4 in just 5 short days. What better distraction could I ask for?
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Pity Party
I really just need to get this over with. I am going to throw myself a pity party because maybe, just maybe, if I get it all out I'll feel better. I'm not looking for sympathy or for anyone to feel sorry for me. I just need to get it out. It's not going to be pretty, and it's not going to be well-written. It just is what it is.
I am miserable.
There. I said it.
Everyone that I talk to these days asks how I am feeling/doing. I want to lie and tell everyone that I'm doing OK. Doing fine. Most of the time I do. I mean, I hate to be a downer and tell people that I feel horrible.
But that would be the accurate truth.
I do feel horrible. I feel awful. I can't do anything without paying for it. If I simply get the clothes out of the dryer and fold them, I hurt. If I fix the kiddos lunch, I hurt. Get a shower? Hurt. And if I get ready after getting a shower? I'm down for the count and just about done for the rest of the day. (Which is why I only get a shower every 2 or 3 days lately. So pardon the smell.)
I hate that Ella Beth and Landon have to endure this as well. Both of them have started praying every night that God will "let Porter come out of Mommy's belly so that she will feel better." That breaks my heart. I try my darnedest not to complain about the cramping and contractions in front of the kiddos b/c I don't want to scare them. But kids are smart, and they know when something is going on with their mama. Shoot, even our cat knows because he has become very affectionate and follows me around if I get up.
One of my biggest fears is that the kiddos are going to resent Porter. Resent the fact that this pregnancy is why I can't pick them up, can't wrestle, can't go for walks, can't stand for long periods of time to bake cookies and cupcakes and brownies, can't go to the park, can't....can't....can't. I try to do as much as I can with them on the couch or floor or bed, but it's not the same. A four year old boy can only handle sitting still for so long, ya know? I want them to be elated when their baby brother arrives, but life has already changed and everyone knows how much will change AFTER he gets here. I'm just nervous that once he gets here and we are STILL home bound by a newborn's schedule, that it's all going to be too much for Ella Beth and Landon to understand.
Their behavior is also taking a turn. Mostly Ella Beth's, and it's not for the better. I'm not sure if she's testing me more, or if she's just confused and doesn't know how to handle her emotions. It's probably a mixture with a heavier dose of wild emotions mixed in. I am praying every morning for the Holy Spirit to come through me; not the spirit of Amber. That His fruits of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control will not be clouded or polluted by my own icky-ness. But it gets hard as the days get longer.
And being on bedrest is just plain wretched. It may sound good for a day or two, but believe me, for any longer period it is not. Scott does SO much, and I hate the extra burden that he now has. He works all day and has to come home to setting the dinner table, preparing dinner (or doing what's necessary after someone graciously drops it off), laundry, playing with the kiddos who are wound up b/c they've been pinned up all day, vacuuming, bath time, etc. Scott is a truly wonderful man and has not complained even in the slightest tone of voice, but as his wife I hate it. I love serving him, and I hate not being able to.
And have I mentioned that I feel like I'm turning into mush??? I enjoy exercising, and not being able to even go for a walk is awful. For the first two trimesters, I worked out every other day with prenatal videos. They were great - just enough to make me feel like I was taking care of myself and helping me bounce back after Porter's arrival. Now? Well, to say that I feel like a hibernating bear who is insulating herself with layers of fat would be accurate. I know, I know, taking care of Porter is number one. I know that fully. But as someone who has always dealt with body issues, it's just really hard to take.
I want to cry my eyes out every evening. But I don't. I honestly think that I'm scared to - like once they start they may never stop.
But, I am holding on - though barely it seems. I was 30 weeks pregnant yesterday. And that's a really good thing.
I am miserable.
There. I said it.
Everyone that I talk to these days asks how I am feeling/doing. I want to lie and tell everyone that I'm doing OK. Doing fine. Most of the time I do. I mean, I hate to be a downer and tell people that I feel horrible.
But that would be the accurate truth.
I do feel horrible. I feel awful. I can't do anything without paying for it. If I simply get the clothes out of the dryer and fold them, I hurt. If I fix the kiddos lunch, I hurt. Get a shower? Hurt. And if I get ready after getting a shower? I'm down for the count and just about done for the rest of the day. (Which is why I only get a shower every 2 or 3 days lately. So pardon the smell.)
I hate that Ella Beth and Landon have to endure this as well. Both of them have started praying every night that God will "let Porter come out of Mommy's belly so that she will feel better." That breaks my heart. I try my darnedest not to complain about the cramping and contractions in front of the kiddos b/c I don't want to scare them. But kids are smart, and they know when something is going on with their mama. Shoot, even our cat knows because he has become very affectionate and follows me around if I get up.
One of my biggest fears is that the kiddos are going to resent Porter. Resent the fact that this pregnancy is why I can't pick them up, can't wrestle, can't go for walks, can't stand for long periods of time to bake cookies and cupcakes and brownies, can't go to the park, can't....can't....can't. I try to do as much as I can with them on the couch or floor or bed, but it's not the same. A four year old boy can only handle sitting still for so long, ya know? I want them to be elated when their baby brother arrives, but life has already changed and everyone knows how much will change AFTER he gets here. I'm just nervous that once he gets here and we are STILL home bound by a newborn's schedule, that it's all going to be too much for Ella Beth and Landon to understand.
Their behavior is also taking a turn. Mostly Ella Beth's, and it's not for the better. I'm not sure if she's testing me more, or if she's just confused and doesn't know how to handle her emotions. It's probably a mixture with a heavier dose of wild emotions mixed in. I am praying every morning for the Holy Spirit to come through me; not the spirit of Amber. That His fruits of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control will not be clouded or polluted by my own icky-ness. But it gets hard as the days get longer.
And being on bedrest is just plain wretched. It may sound good for a day or two, but believe me, for any longer period it is not. Scott does SO much, and I hate the extra burden that he now has. He works all day and has to come home to setting the dinner table, preparing dinner (or doing what's necessary after someone graciously drops it off), laundry, playing with the kiddos who are wound up b/c they've been pinned up all day, vacuuming, bath time, etc. Scott is a truly wonderful man and has not complained even in the slightest tone of voice, but as his wife I hate it. I love serving him, and I hate not being able to.
And have I mentioned that I feel like I'm turning into mush??? I enjoy exercising, and not being able to even go for a walk is awful. For the first two trimesters, I worked out every other day with prenatal videos. They were great - just enough to make me feel like I was taking care of myself and helping me bounce back after Porter's arrival. Now? Well, to say that I feel like a hibernating bear who is insulating herself with layers of fat would be accurate. I know, I know, taking care of Porter is number one. I know that fully. But as someone who has always dealt with body issues, it's just really hard to take.
I want to cry my eyes out every evening. But I don't. I honestly think that I'm scared to - like once they start they may never stop.
But, I am holding on - though barely it seems. I was 30 weeks pregnant yesterday. And that's a really good thing.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Just what I needed
Oh, how I love God's timing and His purposefulness. This week has been really hard on me. Although I have felt pretty miserable, I have really allowed myself to become negative about being on bed rest. It's really hard to do nothing all of the time no matter how badly I feel, and I would never wish this on anyone. The kiddos are playing with Scott, and I can't join in their running and wrestling and tickle fights. We go outside on a nice February day, and all I can do is sit while Scott plays hide-and-seek and pushes the kiddos "as high as the sky!" I want to play, too. Waaaa!
But, today in Jesus Calling, the Lord spoke directly to my heart:
Quietness and trust enhance your awareness of My Presence with you. Do not despise these simple ways of serving Me. Although you feel cut off from the activity of the world, your quiet trust makes a powerful statement in spiritual realms. My Strength and Power show themselves most effective in weakness."
But, today in Jesus Calling, the Lord spoke directly to my heart:
"Thank Me for the conditions that are requiring you to be still. Do not spoil these quiet hours by wishing them away, waiting impatiently to be active again. Some of the greatest works in My kingdom have been done from sick beds and prison cells. Instead of resenting the limitations of a weakened body, search for My way in the midst of these very circumstances. Limitations can be liberating when your strongest desire is living close to Me.
Once again, there is the idea of giving the Hard Thanks. To give thanks in everything - everything. When things don't go my way. Give thanks. When things are hard and I feel miserable. Give thanks. When there is not an end in sight. Give thanks.
When I choose to give thanks in all circumstances, I am acknowledging God's
sovereignty in my life, AND I am allowing Him to use whatever
circumstances come and go in my life for Him.
Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him." (emphasis added)
In all things God works, and He works for the good of those who love Him.
Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him." (emphasis added)
In all things God works, and He works for the good of those who love Him.
Choosing to trust Him today, and the rest of this pregnancy.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Showered in Blue!
I had LOTS of help opening the gifts. In fact, I only got to open one because Ella Beth was there to do all of the rest. ;)
We got many cute things, like this sweet baby blue frame.
We got blankets and many practical items like wash cloths, snack cups, sippy cups, sheets, and a boo-boo sea turtle!
Ella Beth also enjoyed opening the cards and telling everyone who the gifts were from. And, goodness, look at that belly! How can I possibly be measuring so small???
A sweet little outfit from Aunt Karla.
More cute clothes!
Here I am with two of the hostesses. I can NOT believe that we didn't get a picture with my mom and mother in law. :( And...I may or may not be standing on my tippy toes to look taller between these two girls. ;)
Like I said, to say that we were blessed is an understatement. Here is a picture of everything that is not clothes or blankets.
And here is a picture of only HALF of the clothes that now make up Porter's wardrobe. HALF! And that is Landon's queen sized bed under all of those!!!
Here is Porter's new hamper over half-way filled with even more clothes. Oh. My. Word. This littlest fella has more clothes than Ella Beth and Landon combined!!!
It was so special to celebrate Porter's upcoming arrival, and we are beyond grateful for the generosity and thoughtfulness of our family and friends! Loads and loads and loads of laundry have been done this week (by Scott, of course). But, I sat in the middle of Landon's bed after each load was "fluffed" and folded and organized all of these precious little clothes. It was so much fun!!!
Thursday, February 9, 2012
28 weeks and counting!
I am 28 weeks pregnant and holding! I can hardly believe I'm in the third trimester, the home stretch! I just got home from the doctor about an hour ago. Things are still the same - measuring "small" and still contracting, but I'm not in labor yet so that's a good thing! I go back on the 24th for an ultrasound and another work-up. Looking forward to seeing my littlest man again.
Heartburn? Yes. I've never had heartburn before, and it's a bit uncomfortable. I know this probably sounds pretty silly, but since I've never had it before...it actually, um, burns. I'm having to think about what I eat b/c I really like spicy foods. Now I am eating Tums with my meals- and reminiscing about my grandparents. ;)
Maternity clothes? Yes. I still have a limited wardrobe, but since I'm rarely allowed out of the house (or off the couch for that matter) it really doesn't bother me to bum around. I am opting for comfort these days!
Weight gain? Kinda. I mean, I've gained weight this pregnancy. Obviously. But I've also lost 3 pounds in the last two weeks. So, no weight gain in the last month.
Swelling? I have started swelling a little bit in my hands and my feet. I definitely swelled more after being in the hospital over the weekend from all of the fluids that I was given, but I don't know if my feet will lose all of the swelling before delivery or not. My hands tend to fluctuate throughout the day.
Cravings? Fruit. I am definitely eating a LOT of fruit with this pregnancy. I've never really been a fruit type of gal; I like my veggies with salt! But, if there is juicy watermelon or pineapple around - or a nice Granny Smith - it doesn't last long. (Those old wives tales about Girls and Fruit have nothing on me!)
Feeling movement? Oh yes! Porter is one active little fella. :) Especially when contractions get him all riled up.
Tired? Oh. My. Word. Why is it that the less I do the more tired I am? Bed rest is definitely restful. And boring. And hard to enjoy. But, I'm trying not to complain. ;)
Favorite pregnancy moment this month? I feel a little guilty because it's been hard to come up with a favorite pregnancy moment this month with everything that has been going on. I am super THANKFUL for doctors and the intelligence they were given, I am THANKFUL for medications to stop pre-term labor and to strengthen my littlest fella's lungs, and our family is THANKFUL for sweet, sweet friends who have been such a blessing to us. But, I guess my favorite moment this month would just be getting prepared. Since we don't know day to day how things are going to go, I went ahead and packed Porter's diaper bag to take to the hospital. It was definitely sweet going through baby things and thinking about using them because it's been a long time since we've had tiny things in this house. I mean, come on, tiny diapers and socks and baby hats are some of the most precious things on the planet. And when I was packing his bag I felt like I was playing!
--
Pictures:
Only one belly shot again this month. Whew, look at that belly!!!
Heartburn? Yes. I've never had heartburn before, and it's a bit uncomfortable. I know this probably sounds pretty silly, but since I've never had it before...it actually, um, burns. I'm having to think about what I eat b/c I really like spicy foods. Now I am eating Tums with my meals- and reminiscing about my grandparents. ;)
Maternity clothes? Yes. I still have a limited wardrobe, but since I'm rarely allowed out of the house (or off the couch for that matter) it really doesn't bother me to bum around. I am opting for comfort these days!
Weight gain? Kinda. I mean, I've gained weight this pregnancy. Obviously. But I've also lost 3 pounds in the last two weeks. So, no weight gain in the last month.
Swelling? I have started swelling a little bit in my hands and my feet. I definitely swelled more after being in the hospital over the weekend from all of the fluids that I was given, but I don't know if my feet will lose all of the swelling before delivery or not. My hands tend to fluctuate throughout the day.
Cravings? Fruit. I am definitely eating a LOT of fruit with this pregnancy. I've never really been a fruit type of gal; I like my veggies with salt! But, if there is juicy watermelon or pineapple around - or a nice Granny Smith - it doesn't last long. (Those old wives tales about Girls and Fruit have nothing on me!)
Feeling movement? Oh yes! Porter is one active little fella. :) Especially when contractions get him all riled up.
Tired? Oh. My. Word. Why is it that the less I do the more tired I am? Bed rest is definitely restful. And boring. And hard to enjoy. But, I'm trying not to complain. ;)
Favorite pregnancy moment this month? I feel a little guilty because it's been hard to come up with a favorite pregnancy moment this month with everything that has been going on. I am super THANKFUL for doctors and the intelligence they were given, I am THANKFUL for medications to stop pre-term labor and to strengthen my littlest fella's lungs, and our family is THANKFUL for sweet, sweet friends who have been such a blessing to us. But, I guess my favorite moment this month would just be getting prepared. Since we don't know day to day how things are going to go, I went ahead and packed Porter's diaper bag to take to the hospital. It was definitely sweet going through baby things and thinking about using them because it's been a long time since we've had tiny things in this house. I mean, come on, tiny diapers and socks and baby hats are some of the most precious things on the planet. And when I was packing his bag I felt like I was playing!
--
Pictures:
Only one belly shot again this month. Whew, look at that belly!!!
Sunday, February 5, 2012
27 weeks, 5 days...
...and it was back to the hospital I went.
My contractions were very regular Saturday evening, but since that's been the norm I really didn't worry about it. The kiddos and I were home hanging out since Daddy was working late. I had just popped some popcorn, and we were about to cuddle up and watch Peter Pan. But Mama needed to run to the bathroom.
And I was bleeding.
To say that I was overwhelmed and a complete mess is a huge understatement. I called my OB's answering service, and as I was waiting for the nurse to call me back I called my mother-in-law who lives 3 minutes away. I could barely speak through my sobbing, and only managed to get out, "Can you come here right away?"
The nurse called as soon as I hung up with Kathy, and I could barely talk to her either. I did manage to get some deep-ish breaths in, and told her what was going on. She told me to go to the hospital right away. So when Kathy and Cleve (Scott's dad) got here, Kathy and I left.
I get to the hospital, just 7 full days after being there last week, and everything starts again. Of course this time there is bleeding involved, so things are taken extremely seriously. I am also cramping very badly by this point, but they can't do the fetal fibronectin test b/c I am bleeding. They do give me a shot of Terbutaline to make my contractions stop.
(Insert side story - Scott gets pulled over on his way to the hospital. The police officer was taking his sweet time getting out of his squad car, so Scott gets out and starts walking toward him. The officer gets on his loud speaker and orders Scott back into this truck. When the officer gets to Scott's window, he shows him my texts - my room number and all - and the officer says, "Well you had better get going then!" -- Thankful for an understanding officer and no speeding ticket.)
Scott gets to the hospital and gets updated by the nurses, and I am given my first shot of steroids. We finally hit the sack a couple of hours later. But, if you've ever spent the night in a hospital, then you can imagine how much sleep we actually got. Scott says he didn't go to sleep before 3 a.m., and I was still awake at 4 a.m. But we did sleep until almost 7, so we got a little shut-eye in.
The contractions calmed down for the most part, and once again Porter was very adgitated and didn't settle. I don't know how many times the nurses had to come in to the room and "find" him again on the monitor. Needless to say, Scott and I became experts on finding him quickly so that we could get back to sleep.
The doctor ended up giving us our second round of steriods earlier than expected. Man, what painful shots those are. I had tosqueeze remove-all-feeling-from Scott's hand b/c they were rough. But we are praying that they do their job and help Porter get ready for his probable early debut. My bleeding has almost stopped, and there is no clear conclusion as to why it happened - which, in all honesty, is not reassuring.
But we are home now, and we are thankful to be here. Modified bed rest continues for me, and I'm trying to be as good as I can. I have given myself THREE goals for the rest of February: 1) make it to my baby shower this Saturday, 2) make it to Landon's birthday party on the 26th, and 3) NOT go back to the hospital!
Thank you for your continued prayers on this crazy journey called Pregnancy #3. I am trying to remember all of the times that the Lord has been faithful to me and to our family in the past, and I am clinging to the Truth that His promises are always true. And maybe, just maybe, I'll have a new topic for my next few blog posts!
My contractions were very regular Saturday evening, but since that's been the norm I really didn't worry about it. The kiddos and I were home hanging out since Daddy was working late. I had just popped some popcorn, and we were about to cuddle up and watch Peter Pan. But Mama needed to run to the bathroom.
And I was bleeding.
To say that I was overwhelmed and a complete mess is a huge understatement. I called my OB's answering service, and as I was waiting for the nurse to call me back I called my mother-in-law who lives 3 minutes away. I could barely speak through my sobbing, and only managed to get out, "Can you come here right away?"
The nurse called as soon as I hung up with Kathy, and I could barely talk to her either. I did manage to get some deep-ish breaths in, and told her what was going on. She told me to go to the hospital right away. So when Kathy and Cleve (Scott's dad) got here, Kathy and I left.
I get to the hospital, just 7 full days after being there last week, and everything starts again. Of course this time there is bleeding involved, so things are taken extremely seriously. I am also cramping very badly by this point, but they can't do the fetal fibronectin test b/c I am bleeding. They do give me a shot of Terbutaline to make my contractions stop.
(Insert side story - Scott gets pulled over on his way to the hospital. The police officer was taking his sweet time getting out of his squad car, so Scott gets out and starts walking toward him. The officer gets on his loud speaker and orders Scott back into this truck. When the officer gets to Scott's window, he shows him my texts - my room number and all - and the officer says, "Well you had better get going then!" -- Thankful for an understanding officer and no speeding ticket.)
Scott gets to the hospital and gets updated by the nurses, and I am given my first shot of steroids. We finally hit the sack a couple of hours later. But, if you've ever spent the night in a hospital, then you can imagine how much sleep we actually got. Scott says he didn't go to sleep before 3 a.m., and I was still awake at 4 a.m. But we did sleep until almost 7, so we got a little shut-eye in.
The contractions calmed down for the most part, and once again Porter was very adgitated and didn't settle. I don't know how many times the nurses had to come in to the room and "find" him again on the monitor. Needless to say, Scott and I became experts on finding him quickly so that we could get back to sleep.
The doctor ended up giving us our second round of steriods earlier than expected. Man, what painful shots those are. I had to
But we are home now, and we are thankful to be here. Modified bed rest continues for me, and I'm trying to be as good as I can. I have given myself THREE goals for the rest of February: 1) make it to my baby shower this Saturday, 2) make it to Landon's birthday party on the 26th, and 3) NOT go back to the hospital!
Thank you for your continued prayers on this crazy journey called Pregnancy #3. I am trying to remember all of the times that the Lord has been faithful to me and to our family in the past, and I am clinging to the Truth that His promises are always true. And maybe, just maybe, I'll have a new topic for my next few blog posts!
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Dr. Appointment
27 weeks, 5 days.
I had an appointment yesterday morning with my regular OB. It went OK. I feel like I am just in this middle ground of not being in labor, but being so close that life is a little uncertain and hanging in limbo. But I'm just trying to take one day at a time and trust in God's timing.
I am still having contractions. They have not been coming as often, but they are getting more painful. I still have a couple of hours each day - sometimes around lunch, sometimes in the early evening - where I will have 10-15 contractions an hour. Those times get a little worrisome; and very uncomfortable. I am drinking so much water I feel slushy inside (and run to the bathroom every 15 minutes), so I know that I'm not dehydrated. It seems that this truly is my "normal," but it's hard to get used to.
I go back next Thursday for more tests to see if the contractions are causing any change. If they are, the doctor said my only next step would be hospital bed rest. Those are some dreaded words to think about. So let's not.
--
Things at home are going pretty well. I have surprised myself by actually slowing down. Once I did it, it was nice. It seems like our days have just taken on a new pace, and we are enjoying being at home more and more. No rushing out the door numerous times a week, just taking each day as it comes and finding fun and creative things to do at home. I am working on cutting out a LOT of hearts with my Cricut so that we have supplies to do multiple Valentine's Day crafts over the next couple of weeks. ;) School has been going really well because our schedule has relaxed a little bit. If we don't get started until 10, have to take a break in the middle of Math for lunch, and then don't finish until 2 - it's A-OK! Everything we need to get done is getting done. This whole experience could be God slowing me down on purpose to prepare me for when Porter gets here.
Thank you for your prayers, calls, emails, and the most delicious meals that have come and are on their way. Scott and I are humbled, and we are thankful.
I had an appointment yesterday morning with my regular OB. It went OK. I feel like I am just in this middle ground of not being in labor, but being so close that life is a little uncertain and hanging in limbo. But I'm just trying to take one day at a time and trust in God's timing.
I am still having contractions. They have not been coming as often, but they are getting more painful. I still have a couple of hours each day - sometimes around lunch, sometimes in the early evening - where I will have 10-15 contractions an hour. Those times get a little worrisome; and very uncomfortable. I am drinking so much water I feel slushy inside (and run to the bathroom every 15 minutes), so I know that I'm not dehydrated. It seems that this truly is my "normal," but it's hard to get used to.
I go back next Thursday for more tests to see if the contractions are causing any change. If they are, the doctor said my only next step would be hospital bed rest. Those are some dreaded words to think about. So let's not.
--
Things at home are going pretty well. I have surprised myself by actually slowing down. Once I did it, it was nice. It seems like our days have just taken on a new pace, and we are enjoying being at home more and more. No rushing out the door numerous times a week, just taking each day as it comes and finding fun and creative things to do at home. I am working on cutting out a LOT of hearts with my Cricut so that we have supplies to do multiple Valentine's Day crafts over the next couple of weeks. ;) School has been going really well because our schedule has relaxed a little bit. If we don't get started until 10, have to take a break in the middle of Math for lunch, and then don't finish until 2 - it's A-OK! Everything we need to get done is getting done. This whole experience could be God slowing me down on purpose to prepare me for when Porter gets here.
Thank you for your prayers, calls, emails, and the most delicious meals that have come and are on their way. Scott and I are humbled, and we are thankful.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
This is...
hard. And it's going to be really difficult to keep my resolution of not complaining.
This whole "taking it easy" is forthe birds someone other than me. I mean, there are crumbs all over my kitchen floor from the messiest eater on the planet who lives in our home, the school room is getting more disorganized each hour the kiddos are awake, and Ella Beth's room needs "Caution: Hazzard Area" tape hanging floor to ceiling.
But most of all, my arms are lonely. And good ol' mama-guilt is settling in.
Both of my little ones are still pretty little and hold-able, and the littlest (for now) boy really loves to be held. Not in a nagging sort of way, but in that sweet "I still love my mama" kinda way. And I hate that I have to tell him and his sister that I can't hold them for who knows how much longer.
I know, we can cuddle on the couch and floor and snuggle in bed...but there's just something unnatural about denying sweet little lifted-up arms. And it's breaking this mama's heart.
But, I'm trying really hard to follow orders. Because I have two more little arms that need to grow stronger so that they, too, can ask this mama to hold them.
This whole "taking it easy" is for
But most of all, my arms are lonely. And good ol' mama-guilt is settling in.
Both of my little ones are still pretty little and hold-able, and the littlest (for now) boy really loves to be held. Not in a nagging sort of way, but in that sweet "I still love my mama" kinda way. And I hate that I have to tell him and his sister that I can't hold them for who knows how much longer.
I know, we can cuddle on the couch and floor and snuggle in bed...but there's just something unnatural about denying sweet little lifted-up arms. And it's breaking this mama's heart.
But, I'm trying really hard to follow orders. Because I have two more little arms that need to grow stronger so that they, too, can ask this mama to hold them.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Pregnancy Update :: Multitudes on Monday
I am 27 weeks pregnant today, and this afternoon I went to the perinatologist for a "full work up." All in all, the appointment went well. It's always so amazing to me to see my baby up on a movie screen when I haven't even seen him in person yet.
I had two very thorough ultrasounds done while I was at the doctor's office. The sonographer did the first one, and she pointed out body parts, organs, the placenta, and "normal" things like that. She would give little snippets of information and tell me when she was saving a picture to be printed. :) Porter was one active little fella doing complete somersaults, rolling over and over, kicking, waving, you name it. It got pretty uncomfortable during a few minutes b/c the sonographer was really trying to look at specific areas, but Porter was not being cooperative. She would press very firmly on my belly at the same time that he would kick like crazy and THEN a full-blown contraction would hit. I had to ask her to stop at one point because I was hurting so badly.
Then she left and said the doctor would be right in. Well, "right in" means something very different at a doctor's office. About 20 minutes and a cat-nap later, the perinatologist came in and did another very thorough ultrasound. I wasn't going to complain about watching my littlest man again. ;) The doctor talked in very doctor-like terms and told me everything that he was looking at. Which, I have to admit, is much better than silence - where I'm just laying there worrying about what he's not saying. He, too, looked at the heart, spine, facial features, organs, limbs, etc. and said that everything looked good; just a little small. Porter is measuring in at 15% on the growth chart. The doctor said that as long as he stays above 10%, we won't worry.
And then the doctor tells me that he sees something. I have started growing another portion of placenta against the back wall of my uterus. It is cause of concern because the more it grows, the less room it leaves for Porter and my amniotic fluid. The doctor also made notes on my chart because I will have to pass both portions of the placenta. If either portion were to be left in it could cause a life-threatening (to me) infection. As Scott says, "It's always something." And, my cervix has already started to shorten. The contractions are now starting to be somewhat productive - just a little early.
Then it came time for the big question. The doctor looked at me, of course it was during yet another contraction, and he asked, "So how possible is it for you to be on full bed rest?" FULL bed rest??? Ugh. I kinda gave a little laugh and told him that I have two young kiddos at home. He said, "Well, you and your OB are going to have to work that out on Friday when you go back to see him." Ugh. Ugh. UGH! It would be next to impossible to be on full bed rest unless I sent Ella Beth and Landon away each day. And what about school? What about our time together? What about _______? No! I don't wanna. Waaaaaaa!
We'll see what Friday brings.
How about some pictures?!?
Porter looking and waving.
Sweet, sweet baby feet. :) Can't wait to kiss all over those tiny toes!
==
Multitudes on Monday
867. a relatively good perinatal appointment
868. God-given intelligence to doctors
869. more ultrasound pictures
870. a truly amazing group of women that God has put in my life through my mom's group
871. not having to worry about being on my feet at the end of a long day cooking supper because sweet friends have already planned to bring it
872. being humbled by generosity
873. being humbled by God's grace which is always sufficient
I had two very thorough ultrasounds done while I was at the doctor's office. The sonographer did the first one, and she pointed out body parts, organs, the placenta, and "normal" things like that. She would give little snippets of information and tell me when she was saving a picture to be printed. :) Porter was one active little fella doing complete somersaults, rolling over and over, kicking, waving, you name it. It got pretty uncomfortable during a few minutes b/c the sonographer was really trying to look at specific areas, but Porter was not being cooperative. She would press very firmly on my belly at the same time that he would kick like crazy and THEN a full-blown contraction would hit. I had to ask her to stop at one point because I was hurting so badly.
Then she left and said the doctor would be right in. Well, "right in" means something very different at a doctor's office. About 20 minutes and a cat-nap later, the perinatologist came in and did another very thorough ultrasound. I wasn't going to complain about watching my littlest man again. ;) The doctor talked in very doctor-like terms and told me everything that he was looking at. Which, I have to admit, is much better than silence - where I'm just laying there worrying about what he's not saying. He, too, looked at the heart, spine, facial features, organs, limbs, etc. and said that everything looked good; just a little small. Porter is measuring in at 15% on the growth chart. The doctor said that as long as he stays above 10%, we won't worry.
And then the doctor tells me that he sees something. I have started growing another portion of placenta against the back wall of my uterus. It is cause of concern because the more it grows, the less room it leaves for Porter and my amniotic fluid. The doctor also made notes on my chart because I will have to pass both portions of the placenta. If either portion were to be left in it could cause a life-threatening (to me) infection. As Scott says, "It's always something." And, my cervix has already started to shorten. The contractions are now starting to be somewhat productive - just a little early.
Then it came time for the big question. The doctor looked at me, of course it was during yet another contraction, and he asked, "So how possible is it for you to be on full bed rest?" FULL bed rest??? Ugh. I kinda gave a little laugh and told him that I have two young kiddos at home. He said, "Well, you and your OB are going to have to work that out on Friday when you go back to see him." Ugh. Ugh. UGH! It would be next to impossible to be on full bed rest unless I sent Ella Beth and Landon away each day. And what about school? What about our time together? What about _______? No! I don't wanna. Waaaaaaa!
We'll see what Friday brings.
How about some pictures?!?
Porter looking and waving.
Profile. And in this picture you can see the original placenta is at Porter's head, and the new placenta growth is above him.
Sweet, sweet baby feet. :) Can't wait to kiss all over those tiny toes!
==
Multitudes on Monday
867. a relatively good perinatal appointment
868. God-given intelligence to doctors
869. more ultrasound pictures
870. a truly amazing group of women that God has put in my life through my mom's group
871. not having to worry about being on my feet at the end of a long day cooking supper because sweet friends have already planned to bring it
872. being humbled by generosity
873. being humbled by God's grace which is always sufficient
Psalm 69:30: "I will praise God’s name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving."
2 Corinthians 12:9: "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."
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