A miracle

As I sit here going into the third hour with Porter sleeping on my chest, I am overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed with the love that has again multiplied in my heart to surround my third child. Overwhelmed that this tiny fella was just inside of my womb, and now he's here breathing on my chest.

And I am overwhelmed with the goodness of God. I don't want to sound foolish, but I was brought to my knees this morning at the complete realization that God worked a miracle in my life. There are many who will tell you that miracles don't happen; life is full of coincidences, some of which turn out well. I am not one of those people. I have seen the works of God in my life, in Porter's life.

*Sometime in the beginning of August I became pregnant - on the pill.

*On September 13, 2011, my OB told Scott and me not to "get attached" to our pregnancy.

*A week later, we were given a 20% chance of a "viable pregnancy."

*A week later, a large hemorrhage formed on my uterus and I had a lot of bleeding for many weeks. During that time, my OB also told me that there was still a high chance of losing our baby because the hemorrhage was growing.

*At 18 weeks, we found out that Porter was a boy, but he was "measuring small."

*At 23 weeks, Porter was still measuring small, a new "accessory placenta" was growing, and my contractions started.

*At 26 weeks, I went to the hospital for the first time for pre-term labor.

*Again at 28 weeks.

*Again at 31 weeks.

*Again at 33 weeks, 3 days.

*Porter was born at 33 weeks, 4 days. Weighing 4 lb, 2 oz; barely on the growth chart at 1%.

His weight went down to 3 lb, 9 oz, and he spent 19 days in the NICU - on a ventilator, IV, PICC line, antibiotics, photo therapy, and feeding tube.

And yet, here I sit with this precious life breathing in and out, in and out, on my chest. Full of life in spite of all the odds. Full of life in spite of what science and doctors had to say from the very beginning. As I look at Porter, I wonder what God has in store for this tiny fella. Surely it must be good. I'm not talking about being the president, or discovering a new planet with life. No, much bigger than that. That Porter will be a man after God's own heart. 

A missionary who devotes his entire life to others that they may know and love God?
A business man who fights against corruption though it costs him promotions?
A father who leads his family closer and deeper in their relationship with God?
A husband who is devoted, loyal, gentle, a leader?

I feel that God has now given me a mission. I have always wanted and prayed to be a good Christian example for my children, though I fail more often than I care to admit. But, now God has placed another life in my hands - one that He and I had to fight for. 

There were many times during my pregnancy where I would have a bad day (i.e. little patience, negative/mean tone of voice, selfishness), and I would cry out to God, "Why did you allow me to get pregnant again? I fail too often, and I don't want to keep failing. I am not good enough to be a mother again." I would be in tears for fear that not only was I going to mess up the lives and hearts of Ella Beth and Landon, but now another life and another heart was going to be put in my hands that I would be responsible and accountable for. And it scared me.

It still scares me. But, the miracle of Porter's life is not meant to condemn me. No, God is Good. The miracle of Porter's life is meant to be a blessing to me as his mother and as a blessing to our family. My prayer is that my heart will be broken for my children, all three of them. That their hearts will be my first concern each morning and my last at night. Their greatness is up to God, but I pray that I will faithfully lead them and love them as the mother He has called me to be.