Teachable Moments

I love teachable moments. Perhaps it is because I have always been a teacher at heart. Perhaps it is because I really enjoyed teaching middle schoolers for five years before coming home to be a Mama and homeschool teacher. Whatever it is, I love those moments when a real learning connection happens that makes a positive change. While teachable moments are not always the most fun to endure at the time (think: first speeding ticket at the age of 18 and watching insurance rate increase - ouch!), those moments cause change that is ultimately for the best.

Jesus was a wonderful teacher to his disciples. He used teachable moments over and over again throughout His ministry and time on earth. I think so many parents are caught up on the word "discipline" these days. Discipline = Punishment, right? Well, no, not really. The definition of discipline is: systematic instruction intended to train a person, sometimes literally called a disciple, in a craft, trade or other activity, or to follow a particular code of conduct. The true definition of discipline is not about punishment. It is about training. And when training is done in love and respect, positive changes can occur.

The other day Buddy-Ro had a friend over to play, and play they did! They had a lot of fun being boys. And making a very big mess. Before time to say goodbye, both of us moms asked the boys to clean up and asked at one point, "Are y'all cleaning up there?" The answer was a resounding YES! So when both boys come bounding down the stairs two minutes later, we walked out the door and said our goodbyes. Fast forward to bed time when I finally went upstairs and actually saw the playroom. There were at least 400 Legos strewn across the floor, cars everywhere, Don't Spill the Beans everywhere, guns and bullets everywhere. Oh boy. My first reaction was to blow a gasket, I'll be honest. But I chose a teachable moment instead.

I called Buddy-Ro into the playroom with me and asked him to look at the mess. He definitely had his tail between his legs, so to speak, because he could see what a disaster the room was. In talking to him I learned that the boys had been having racing car contests trying to knock over towers that they built from Legos. Oh, they certainly knocked them over. Ahem. They played "bad guys/good guys" and when they ran out of ammo they used beans. All in the name of fun, and I have no problem with fun! But the mess was still there, and it wasn't fair to make Mama clean it up. And the more I thought about it the more I felt that it wasn't fair to make Buddy-Ro clean it up by himself either. I let Buddy-Ro go off to bed and told him we'd deal with it the next day. As I thought of what the best solution would be, I kept thinking that if Buddy-Ro helped to make a big mess like that at his friend's house I would want him to help clean it up.

The next morning I called my friend and asked if her son could come over and help clean up the mess. Now, before anyone starts thinking I am Cruela de'Ville, I had every intention to make this a fun teachable moment for both boys. We were actually playing outside when the mom dropped off her son, so we had a very leisurely discussion about the day and tennis shoes -- you know, the important things. ;) Then we go inside and walk up to the playroom together. I said, "So I hear that you and Buddy-Ro had a really fun time making this mess, huh?!" And he agreed and added some extra fun details about a ramp they had built for the race cars. :) Then we talked about cleaning and how we want him to be able to come over often since we are neighbors and the boys had such a great time together...so how about cleaning up next time so that all the fun won't be ruined by a colossal mess.

The boys chose a time that they thought they could beat, so I set the timer for 10 minutes. Well, they had so much fun cleaning and laughing and acting like super heroes that Birdie ran in and started helping!! They had those Legos and Beans and cars and guns picked up in 8 mins and 42 seconds, and they all thought they were big stuff. What's even better is that I had made cookies ahead of time as their reward.

A teachable moment. Discipline. Those two things do not have to equate with negative reinforcement. As Scott and I grow as parents, we have learned again and again that moments matter.  It's not what we say, what we demand that sticks -- it's what we teach. It's why I didn't ground Buddy-Ro and forbid his friend from coming over ever again. That would be punishment. Discipline meant talking to, and helping to train the boys to clean up, and then to reinforce the positive behavior that I really hope to see in the future with something good. In this case, homemade peanut butter cookies. :)

This is one of the things I love about our Heavenly Father so much. He does not strike down my mistakes with punishment. Yes, there are consequences that may befall a bad decision, but His wrath is not something that I fear. He is a gentle, meek, humble, patient God who disciplines me through love and by helping me learn to make a better choice the next time. And that is the kind of Mama I strive to be.

Multitudes on What I've Learned as a Mama

3160. I've learned that it's really hard to get a picture where all three kiddos are looking and smiling...but it's OK because I've still been blessed to be their Mama



3161. I've learned that sometimes it's easier to just let the little ones sleep in bed with us occasionally, because they will be too old and too big before we know it

3162. I've learned that I can make promises all day long, but until I carry them out my children won't feel love and learn to trust

3163. I've learned that it's really hard for just one person to take care of three children 100% of the time, so it's OK to ask for help

3164. I've learned that my children are as long-suffering as I am, and after a bad day we can still come together with love, forgiveness, hugs, and good books



3165. I've learned that discipline looks a lot less like spanking and a lot more like long walks holding hands and talking through things

3166. I've learned that a soft answer turns away wrath and is much more effective at calming a situation than yelling back

3167. I've learned that my kiddos need a lot less stuff, and they need a lot more books, outdoor time, and attention

3168. I've learned that it's OK to need a "Mom's Night Out" to refresh myself occasionally

3169. I've learned that I need consistent prayer and time with my Savior to make it through any day as a Mama



3170. I have learned that being a good Mama is the hardest thing that I have ever done. It is hard to continually lay my own needs and desires aside in order to put three children and their Daddy first. It is hard to lose sleep night after night, to go to bed late and get up early, to cancel dates with friends because my kiddos need me more. It's hard to find time to shower, or read a good book, or get my hair done, and I haven't had a mani/pedi in I don't know how long.

But the difficulties of being a mother are a blessing because I am the one they call for in the middle of the night. I am the one they tell that they are hungry. I am the one they cry for when they hurt. I am the one woman they need and love most. I am the only one they call Mama.

And I am thankful.

1 Corinthians 13 for Moms

I heard this poem at a conference that I went to a few weeks ago, and I loved it. It spoke directly to my heart. It helped me to realized that the "perfect Mama" is unattainable, and that if I go looking for it I will miss the wonderful memories that come from the normal, messy, everyday life.

1 Corinthians 13 for Moms

If I live in a house of spotless beauty with everything in its place,
but have not love,
I am a housekeeper not a homemaker.



If I have time for waxing, polishing, and decorative achievements,
but have not love,
my children learn cleanliness not godliness.

If I scream at my children when they don’t follow instructions,
get frustrated and fault them for every mess in our house,
and have no grace and love,
my children learn that Mom cares more about having things done exactly her way
than about listening to the needs and hearts of her children.



Love leaves the dust in search of a child’s laugh.
Love smiles at the tiny fingerprints on a newly cleaned window.
Love wipes away the tears before it wipes up the spilled milk.
Love picks up the child before it picks up the toys.



Love accepts the fact that I am the ever-present “mommy,”
the taxi-driver to every childhood event,
the counselor when my children fail or are hurt.

Love crawls with the baby, walks with the toddler, and runs with the child,
then stands aside to let the youth walk into adulthood.



Before I became a mother I took glory in having it altogether.
Now I glory in knowing that God’s in control, and His grace is sufficient for each day.

All the projections I had for my house and my children
have faded away into insignificance,
And what remain are the memories of my kids.

Now there abides in my home scratches on most of the furniture,
dishes with missing place settings,
and bedroom walls full of stickers, posters, and markings,
But the greatest of all is the Love
that permeates my relationships with my children.



-adapted from 1 Corinthians 13 by Jim Fowler

Before You Judge

We as parents all know what it's like to be judged. We are certainly judged by those without children all of the time. For anyone who is reading this who doesn't have children, here's a warning: For all of the times you say or think, "My child will never..." or "If my child ever acts like that s/he will be punished." - If/when you have your own children - You will eat your words ten-fold! That's a fact.....isn't it, Mamas?!?

But perhaps the most painful judgements come from other mothers. People without kids, they just don't know better. But people with their own children - they do know better. And their judgements hurt.

The other day I was at Chick-fil-A with all three of my kiddos eating lunch. It was a day that we had a peaceful meal - no drinks were spilled, no food knocked off the table, no one complained about what s/he got to eat. It was a successful lunch! But there was this other mother who did not have such a peaceful CFA outing. Her kiddos were rowdy at the table, spilled their food, and caused the mother a bit of stress. To top it off, she had to take her two small kiddos to the bathroom by herself. Now this is never an easy task, but for this mama it was monstrous ordeal. Her little boy who was probably around the age of 3 was not happy at all about being in the bathroom. He pitched a fit and screamed so loud that the entire restaurant could hear him. The entire restaurant.

As I looked around, I saw the same thing: huge eyes on other parents, looks of "What in the world?" passing back and forth between people, and the shaking of heads in judgement. It was as if all of the other people in CFA had forgotten their own child's last tantrum. They had forgotten how difficult it was just to get to CFA with children in tow, just an hour after their own child pitched a fit about putting on his shoes or her jacket.

That poor mama did not need judgement. What she needed was a standing ovation for surviving the bathroom with two small children and the ability to come out with her head held high!

Why is it that we are so quick to judge others? Why do we forget that we struggle with our children and their meltdowns? Why do we forget that being a mama is hard? No matter what stage we are in with our kiddos, challenges are always there. Is it because we want so badly to portray a "perfect image" that we put up a front of judgement toward others? Are we too proud to recognize our own faults, but not too proud to point out those of others?

I'm not sure exactly what it is, but Ann Voskamp calls this the "measuring stick" that women use. Whether it's used to cut someone else down or to build ourselves up, "measuring sticks always become weapons."

Comparison robs you of the joys of your own life, and it robs others of the encouragement and support that they need. That we all so desperately need.

Before you judge, dear one, look to the One who is the ultimate Judge. Look to the One who knows your inner heart and see what He may want to expose in you. Look to the One who knows the inner heart of that other mama and see how He may want you to encourage her.

Life is too precious to judge others, so before you judge look out from your heart. No one needs more judgement in her life. We judge ourselves harshly enough anyway.

"So then, let us follow after things which make for peace, and things by which we may build one another up." Romans 14:19

Right now

This week has been stressful. For no other reason than I have three kiddos, a house that refuses to clean itself, clothes that refuse to put themselves away, and mouths that keep getting hungry. :)

I am thankful for all of these things. Truly.

But, right now I wish I was here:



I've gone so far as to make this the background on my phone. I just wish I was Mary Poppins and could jump into the picture!

Mighty. Mother.

I have no words, only tears.

We are mighty, because we mother. Go to battle and be not broken!

http://youtu.be/Xa-7jtvi7J4

 

This boy

This boy made me a better Mama.



With the first two, I was so anxious to do things "right." To let them cry enough so as not to spoil them. To get them to go to sleep "on their own." To teach them to be independent early. I read all of the books {multiple times}, followed strict schedules, and tried very hard to make my babies little adults. Instead of following my heart, I followed books written by strangers. (It gave me great joy to burn one specific book when Birdie-girl was about 13 months old...and I was 4 months pregnant with #2!)

The third time around, there are no books to be found in our home with the how-tos of being a good mom. There are no strict schedules where I fret if we are off by 15 minutes. And there is no chance of me making my baby grow up too fast.

I suppose it comes with having more children, but experience is really the best teacher. I don't need a book to tell me what the baby's cries mean - I can listen my with my own ears and decipher. I don't need a book with a formula for how to structure my day. We simply have a routine and go with it. I have come to learn that I can't expect the baby to be tired or hungry at the exact same time every day - because I surely am not! :)

With experience comes confidence, I suppose. I now have the confidence I need to follow my instincts. To follow my heart. When the baby is tired, I rock him. Goodness knows I wish I could go back and rock my older babies more than I did. When my baby wants to be held, I hold him. I now know to be true what everyone told me: Time goes by fast. My two older kiddos are now too big to hold and tote around, and it breaks my heart. They still need me, they still want to cuddle on my bed and read together...but they are now too big to hold against my chest. Too big to cover them with kisses any time I want to.

So this boy, he has made me a better Mama. Not a perfect one - not even close - but a better one. I am relishing in every day with him because I know they will be gone all too soon. I spend more time in the floor playing so that I can hear him laugh and watch him learn. I spend less time worrying about this and that and instead enjoy just being Mama. I spend more time playing with his two big siblings. I spend more time listening to them and being in their company. They don't feel that they missed out on their Mama's love because they can't remember me fretting to do it "right." But I remember.

And this go 'round, with This Boy, I'm turning into the mother I wish I had been all along.

Five Minute Fridays: Rhythm

The rhythm of my heart starts at the beginning of each day. As I wake and roll over in my bed, the choice is mine.

It's a hard choice to make most mornings, I'll be honest there. 9 out of 10 mornings, I'd rather turn the alarm off and go back to sleep. Goodness knows I can always use extra rest! But when I choose extra sleep instead of purposefully starting my day, my rhythm is always off.

There are so many instances in the Bible of God meeting with His children in the morning. I don't think that's a coincidence. Our hearts and minds are empty each morning, waiting to be filled with something. When I choose to fill my heart and mind with God's love and His promises each morning, the rhythm of my day is so, so, so much better. I've had "Me Time," so I feel able to freely lavish time and energy on my three kiddos. I've been filled with grace and love and {gasp!} patience, so I have much more to give my children.

The rhythm of Mama's day so often sets the rhythm of my family's day. I don't want to take that lightly.

--

Linked up with Lisa Jo's Five Minute Fridays

Desperate

Desperate. adj.1.reckless or dangerous because of despair or urgency; 2. having an urgent need, desire, etc.; 3. leaving little or no hope; very serious or dangerous; 4. extremely bad; intolerable or shocking; 5. extreme or excessive.

The part of this definition that I relate the most to is having an urgent need, desire. More than anything, I want to be a good Mama. I have a desire each morning to get up and be the best Mama that I can be. I have a sense of urgency about being a Mama because I understand just how fast time goes by.

But there are mornings when reality slaps me in the face; when I feel overwhelmed and I lie in bed later than I should thinking, "I just can't be a mother today." I feel so desperate that just getting out of bed and taking on the challenges of raising my children feels like more than I can do.

I am reading this book called, ahem, Desperate by Sarah Mae and Sally Clarkson. It is so good. And it is so, so honest. I was taken in before the book actually began by the introduction. "Down to the bone, to the deepest part of my soul, is the love I have for my children. Every day of my life is imperfectly offered to them. But the little years, they're hard and oftentimes lonely...Let me pull back the curtain on the idea that just because you love and are thankful to be a mother, parenting will come easily or naturally. The lifetime commitment that is motherhood will, many days, stretch you beyond what you think you can handle."

I can relate to this. I used to think that I was the only Mama on earth who felt overwhelmed. I don't struggle with loving my children, but sometimes I struggle with liking my children. Liking them when they talk back, repeatedly make messes, lie, act unkindly, are selfish. Liking them when they sin.

One time Sally was complaining to her husband, Clay Clarkson, about her children's behavior and that everything she was doing to train them wasn't working. Clay said to her, "Honey, at what age did you stop sinning? Because that's when our children will stop." And just like that, my eyes were opened and my heart poured out. I need Jesus every day because I mess up. A lot. I often speak in an unkindly tone, am selfish, lose my patience. I'm not better than my kiddos, I'm in this together with them. I've been a sinner for a lot longer than my children, so in all honesty that makes me the bigger sinner, right? All of us {young and old} have hearts that want to be bad. We live in a sin-infested world with "sin-infested DNA." As a Mama, I need to understand that the reality of it is that my children will be selfish and demanding - and I must prepare myself for that. Somehow, I bought into the lie that if I train them enough, they will just "learn how to act." But that is not truth. If it were, then I wouldn't do anything wrong because, by golly, I should have learned how to act a long time ago!

Chapter 4 says this: So often I get angry, and I yell and give them "hard face" looks and sigh when they want me again. I can be so ugly. Their little spirits are filled with much more grace than mine is. They are quick to forgive me and love me in spite of my bad behavior toward them. They teach me how to love well. I want to be a safe place for my children. I want them to see that my arms are open and I love them no matter what they do. I want them to have confidence that their Mama is on their team, whether they spill a glass of milk and break my favorite mug, or whether they scream at their siblings with harsh words, or whether they get out of bed fifty times, or whether they lie to me about something, I'm still on their team. I get them. I am them. We are all just a work in progress.

So I'm desperate. I'm desperate to love my children well, and desperate to teach their hearts how much God loves them.

My kids don't need to see a supermama. They need to see a mama who needs a Super God. ~ Ann Voskamp

 

Multitudes on being a Mama

Being a Mama has changed almost everything about me. Mostly in a good way, although there are always areas of improvement. ;)

1769. Being a Mama has taught me about sacrifice, and I am thankful for that. I want new clothes or shoes, but the kiddos need them.

1770. Being a Mama has taught me about patience, and although this is the area that I still need work, I am thankful.

1771. Being a Mama has taught me the gift of endurance, and I am thankful for that. Days are long; days are hard. But getting through them together teaches me that endurance pays off. Continually working on tone of voice with Birdie is hard, but times when I hear her speak to others with kindness reminds my heart that she is learning. It just takes time.

1772. Being a Mama has taught me the appreciation of rest, and I am thankful for it. Before having kiddos I took naps and 8 solid hours of sleep at night for granted. Now there are kids to clean up after during the day, sick children to comfort in the night, nightmares to be shoo-ed away. I know fully what it means now to "Come to me all you who are heavy burdened and I {Jesus} will give you rest." Many days the only rest I get is during quiet moments spent with Him.

1773. Being a Mama has taught me how to play, and I am thankful. I used to be self-conscious about acting silly. Now, it's just part of my every day. The Daddy has been the best teacher of this for me. Our kiddos respond to our silly antics and think it's a hoot when Mama and Daddy act like monsters, play freeze tag, sing in silly voices. My kiddos have helped me lighten up. :)

1774. Being a Mama has also taught me to give myself grace, and I am so thankful for this. Where I used to see imperfections every time I looked in a mirror, now I see evidence of being a Mama. Wrinkles? It's because I smile and laugh so hard with my kiddos every day. Flabby parts? It's because I'm making memories in the kitchen so often with my kiddos instead of working out for those 45 minutes.

1775. Being a Mama has taught me about compassion, and I am thankful. I tend to get aggravated when my kiddos get hurt doing something they shouldn't be doing. When they trip on the stairs, my first reaction is often, "You know you shouldn't play on the stairs!" But the Holy Spirit convicted me not so long ago. When I do something wrong and cry out to God, His response is not, "Well, I told you so." No, it's of forgiveness, grace, and compassion. He doesn't shake His finger at me and condemn me. He wraps His love around me in a blanket of compassion.

1776. Being a Mama has taught me the most about unconditional love, and for this I am the most thankful. Kiddos are hard work. There are days when I have wanted to throw in the towel, let someone else raise them during the day instead of homeschooling them. Days when dropping them off at Nana's house or calling Mimi to get them for the weekend would give me time to focus on ME and just not deal with them for a while. But oh, how glad I am that God doesn't do that to me. And I am able to look at my children through His eyes of love. I am reminded that they are not truly my children, but they are His. Oh, when I see my children as His children my heart can change in an instant. I am brought to my knees by His love for them as His children.....and His love for me as His child.

1777. Being a Mama is hard work. But it's also the most rewarding and most precious experience. Being a Mama has forced me to take my eyes off of myself and turn them towards my Savior like nothing else before. And because of that, I am the most grateful to be a Mother.



Psalm 92:1-3, "What a beautiful thing, God, to give thanks, to sing an anthem to you, the High God! To announce your love each daybreak, sing your faithful presence all through the night."

When selfishness gets in my way

“[Motherhood as a mission field] is giving up yourself. Lay yourself down. Sacrifice yourself here, now. Cheerfully wipe the nose for the fiftieth time today. Make dinner again for the people who don’t like the green beans. Laugh when your plans are thwarted by a vomiting child. Lay yourself down for the people here with you, the people who annoy you, the people who get in your way, the people who take up so much of your time that you can’t read anymore. Rejoice in them. Sacrifice for them. Gain that which you cannot lose in them.“ Rachel Jankovic

--

Giving up yourself.

Lay yourself down.

Cheerfully.

Again.

Plans thwarted.

Sacrifice.

Are any of those easy for you, because none of those come naturally to me. If you had asked me before I became a mother if I was willing to sacrifice everything for my children, I would have said without a doubt or hesitation, "Yes!"

And then I became a mother.

And then I became a mother again. And now as I await sweet baby boy who will make me a mother yet again, that whole idea of sacrifice becomes harder.

When I just had Birdie-girl I honestly didn't have to sacrifice all that much. If I wanted to do something for myself, I had her nap times to do it by golly! Then when Buddy-Ro came along, if I wanted to do something for myself, I had their shared nap times to do it. That was until Birdie stopped napping. And then, Buddy-Ro stopped napping. And now, when do I make time for myself? What about me? Me, me, me!

Oh, wow. I think I have become a more selfish person since having kids. How in the world did that happen? 

Yesterday, I was resting on my bed while the kiddos were watching 30 minutes of TV. As I "rested" I checked my email, checked FB, played Words With Friends. And, I asked myself (or quite possibly it was the Spirit asking), "What would you be doing if you didn't have that smart phone of yours?"

 

Ouch.

It hurt because I knew the answer as soon as the question was asked. I would be doing something with my kiddos. Whether it be snuggling as we watched TV together, or playing a game, or baking together, or teaching them to fold/clean/etc.

 

It all comes back to giving myself up. Laying myself down. Sacrificing. And, we are called to do it cheerfully. Out of love. Because we love.

Why is it so hard? For me, I think it is because I tend to focus on the negatives - "the people who annoy you, the people who get in your way, the people who take up so much of your time that you can’t read anymore." Whew! Those descriptions made me laugh because I can so relate. However, I tend to forget that my children are not an inconvenience; they are the children that God has given unto my care, trusted me with, to raise and love.

I don't want to be the mother who looks back 13 years from now when Birdie moves out and heads off to college and wishes that I had done things differently. No, I want to look back and see that I have done a great work. That I loved my children as much as I could; I spent as much time with them as possible; I enjoyed them to the fullest.

Will I take a break every now and then? Yes! In just 3 days I will be leaving for a mother's weekend retreat where I will be refreshed and strengthened. But, those breaks will be few and far between. I can not be a mother who feels entitled to "her space" and "her freedom" - because my children would be left without their mama (whether physically, mentally, or spiritually) way too often if I allowed myself to believe the lie that "Mama is entitled, so just leave me alone." Sure, I am 6 months pregnant and I am physically exhausted, but I can't waste the time that I have been given now. It is so hard on many days to make this choice. But I must.

"The days are long but the years are short." 

So I will give myself up.

I will lay myself down.

I will choose to sacrifice myself.

Again.

And again.

And again.

Cheerfully.