When your heart is heavy

2012. A new year. While it has started off very well (as in nothing bad, sad, horrible, or life-altering has happened), 2012 has still started off heavy for me.

I have tried my best to be quiet and listen patiently for what the Lord is trying to tell me, but no great epiphany came. Well, at least not one that I knew of at the time...

I thought about what my new year's goals/resolutions would be this year as compared to last year. One of the biggest things that I decided to change last year was to not complain. Of course, I know that I did not go 365 days without a complaint slipping from my lips (hello! I am pregnant...and pregnancy and I aren't the greatest of friends). But, I prayed really hard that the Lord would help me with this goal. I have seen what it is to be in need, and I know that I am not. Yes, I would l-o-v-e a brand-new-fully-loaded-mini-van to show up in my driveway 2 weeks before baby boy gets here. And, since I'm being honest, I would love for that mini-van to be parked in the driveway of a bigger house...but when my mind wanders to feeling anxious about fitting three kiddos into my smaller SUV and smaller house the Lord gently reminds me that a mini-van and a larger house are not necessities. A want? Yes. A need? No. And He also reminds me to be thankful for what I do have and not to complain.

All last year I listed out many of my Thanksgivings each Monday. I had already decided that I would give it up this year because I had fulfilled my resolution and met my goal.

And that is when the heaviness started to settle within my heart. At first, it was just a minor irritation - something I couldn't quite put my finger on. Why am I in a funk at the beginning of a new year and after a truly wonderful Christmas?

In my quietness, the Lord spoke to my heart and answered the question I had not even spoken out loud. God is so good, isn't He?

As clearly as my children's laughter, my heart heard: "You have forgotten to give Me thanks. You have neglected to thank Me. And, when you don't return thanks to Me where does that leave you?"

It left me with a heavy heart. So, my New Year's (Life's?) Resolution is again to give thanks to Him from whom all things come. As I look back to the reason I chose giving thanks as a goal last year, one sentence that I typed out on simple white keys resonated with my heart -

It is hard to be discontent when you count your blessings. 

Those simple 11 words changed me, and my heart has grown closer to God during the last year more than any other time in my life. All by giving Him thanks. When my heart was heavy it was my reminder to be grateful for all He has done, has given, has not done, has taken away. Because thanking God is trusting God. And trusting God is giving Him all the Glory and Honor that He deserves.

Psalm 9:1-2: "I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonderful deeds. I will be glad and rejoice in you; I will sing the praises of your name, O Most High."

Pain reminds this heart that this is not our home

This has been one of those weeks that I wish I could undo and not have to live through. But that's not how life works, is it?

In late August I found out I was pregnant. I got pregnant on the pill. Again. For the third time; second time this year. A long miscarriage in March. I didn't know I was pregnant because I was on the pill, so I had to go through the miscarriage on my own because by the time I realized something was wrong, it was too late for a DNC. March 5-April 15 was pretty miserable.

And, now, things are hard. I went for my first prenatal appointment this past Tuesday at 8 in the morning. Scott and I had finally gotten over the shock that I am pregnant again, only to be faced with a trial that we weren't prepared for.

The doctor did an ultrasound to measure the baby and give a due date. But, we didn't get that far. Quickly into the ultrasound, the doctor told us that things didn't look good. The embryonic sack is far bigger than the baby. He said that is a high indication that my body "knows something is wrong with the baby and is trying to get rid of it." Not something any mother wants to hear - whether a pregnancy is a surprise or not. So, I was sent home to play the waiting game. The hard part.

I have been on pins and needles - will I miscarry or not? Will it be this morning? During the night? And then I start spotting yesterday. So is the inevitable underway? I call the doctor, and he says that this is not necessarily a sign that I am miscarrying, but it could be. He wants me to come in next Tuesday for another ultrasound to determine how things are progressing - toward the good or toward the end?

I hurt. I hurt physically with cramping and nausea that both last all day and into the night. And, my heart hurts. I have a tiny life inside of me - a life of which we saw a tiny heartbeat fluttering. But I could be losing it. Does the baby feel any pain? Is the baby under stress? Can that tiny life feel how much I love it? That even if we were surprised, we are still in love with a life that Scott and I have created.

We have Landon as a reminder of how special surprises are. And when we look at him, and how perfectly the surprise of him fit into our lives, we know that this baby would be just the same.

Laura Story has a beautiful song called "Blessings" - and I have been listening to it over and over.

There are so many things in this life that I do not understand. But I still trust that God is good. And this song is ministering to my heart to remind me that even when we don't understand, God is good and has our lives in the palm of His hand.

I am praying hard for this sweet life to grow, and to grow healthy. But I put all of my trust in God's will. Because I trust that His will is perfect. And my deepest yearning is to live in light of God's love - resting in Him alone - and accepting that if/when He says "no" it's for a greater purpose. To draw me closer to Him. 

"All the while you hear each spoken need, yet Love is way too much to give us lesser things. We doubt your goodness, we doubt your Love, as if every promise from Your word is not enough. What if Your blessings come through raindrops? What if you healing comes through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near?

Pain reminds this heart that this is not our home.

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy.

What if trials of this life - the rain, the storms, the hardest nights - are your mercies in disguise."

Weary

Weary: adjective, -ri·er, -ri·est, verb, -ried, -ry·ing.

–adjective

1. physically or mentally exhausted by hard work, exertion, strain, etc.; fatigued; tired: weary eyes; a weary brain.

2. characterized by or causing fatigue: a weary journey.

3. impatient or dissatisfied with something (often followed by of ): weary of excuses.

4. characterized by or causing impatience or dissatisfaction; tedious; irksome: a weary wait.

I am weary. 

I have felt this weariness setting in for a few weeks now. I am sure many most all moms feel weary at different points. 

I am weary of vacuuming at least once a day and then to have Scott move a piece of large furniture and complain that "the house we live in (the one I keep up day to day) is disgusting." I look at that 300 lb piece of furniture and I know I would have cleaned back there.....if only I could have moved it. 

I am weary of disciplining my children. There are days I feel like all I do from morning to bed time is nag, nag, nag. I understand Proverbs 29:7, "Discipline your children, and they will give you peace; they will bring you the delights you desire." Most days I am just waiting for that peace to come, and I grow weary in my waiting.

I am weary of being at home all of the time. I know that these are the most important days of my life - being with my children day in and day out, spending time with them, loving on them, guiding them. But some days, it requires so much; and sometimes I have so little.

On August 12 in Jesus Calling, I was brought to tears by what I read:

"Come to me when you are weak and weary. Rest snugly in My everlasting arms. I do not despise your weakness, My child. Actually, it draws Me closer to you, because weakness stirs up My compassion - My yearning to help. Accept yourself in your weakness, knowing that I understand how difficult your journey has been...I have gifted you with fragility, providing opportunities for your spirit to blossom in My presence. Accept this gift as a sacred treasure: delicate, yet glowing with brilliant Light. Rather than struggling to disguise or deny your weakness, allow Me to bless you richly through it."

Again I am reminded that we are called to give that hard thanks. To be thankful for the hard days, because even the most weary of days are still a gift. They are a gift of one more day to spend here on earth with loved ones; they are a gift of one more day to learn to live in the presence of Jesus. 

I am weary, yes. But I am also snugly wrapped in my Savior's compassionate, loving arms. 

"For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:10

Never Once are we alone

There are days when I feel like I'm doing it all alone. And I'm alone in my failure.

Today was a particularly rough day of homeschool. Ella Beth reached her "point" of being done before school was actually over. She needed to write her spelling words on a sheet of paper for practice. All of the words she knows how to spell. She knows them. But, she wanted to act like she didn't. And it made me so frustrated. I tried encouraging her telling her, "I know you can do this!" Didn't work. I tried reminding her that as soon as she was through writing, school would be over. Didn't work. I tried threatening her, "If you don't finish your work, you will not get the ice cream that you just picked out from Publix today for dessert." Didn't work.

I wanted to scream. I thought seriously about it.

But some where from deep within my being, self-control came. And I looked at Ella Beth as I have never looked at her before.

I felt alone, but my heart told me that I wasn't.

And I looked at Ella Beth - and I realized that she also wasn't alone. God was with us both. Granting me self-control in my most frustrated state. Granting Ella Beth love that she wasn't necessarily feeling from me at that moment.

For some reason, that exact moment has stuck with me. We are not alone. Never Once.

I've had moments where I have yelled at God - screamed at Him for unexplained illness. I've also had moments where my heart has sung His highest praise.

From all of our highs, through our lowest pits, Never Once Do We Ever Walk Alone. We are all children to our Heavenly Father. In moments where I am not reflecting His love, I am so thankful that He is faithful. That He never once leaves His children - whether they be 32, or just-turned-5.

Close your eyes and let this song minister to your heart - where ever you are, He is, too.

Fixing Our Gaze

I have mentioned before that I absolutely love my devotional, Jesus Calling. There are so many mornings when I feel that He is speaking directly to me in what I read - as if He knew the exact day I would read a certain devotion or verse, and He has catered it specifically to my heart.

Today, I really feel that way.

   "You make a practice of judging yourself, based on how you look or behave or feel. If you like what you see in the mirror, you feel a bit more worthy of My Love. When things are going smoothly and your performance seems adequate, you find it easier to believe you are My beloved child. When you feel discouraged, you tend to look inward so you can correct whatever is wrong.
    Instead of trying to "fix" yourself, fix your gaze on Me, the Lover of your soul. Rather than using your energy to judge yourself, redirect it to praising Me. Remember that I see you clothed in My righteousness, radiant in My perfect Love."

I had to stop at the very first sentence and stay right there for a few minutes: "You make a practice of judging yourself, based on how you look or behave or feel." There could never be a more direct statement at me...but I'm going to take a big assumption and say that most women fall into this practice. Is it because we feel judged by others that we judge ourselves so severely? I do believe this is part of it (and shame on us for making each other feel this way!). I also believe that we set such unrealistic standards, and when we fall short - which we are bound to do - we take it out on ourselves. And sometimes we do so harshly.

I love how Sarah Young finished this devotion, "Instead of trying to "fix" yourself, fix your gaze on Me, the Lover of your soul." I just LOVE this. When we fix our gaze on Jesus, we are saying He is greater and we are less (John 3:30). We are not allowing ourselves to consume our thoughts; we are choosing to fix our gaze on Him. We are choosing to be consumed with Him.

I don't know about you, but when I am consumed with Him, He not only consumes my thoughts, but He is there in my actions and my words as well. When I allow my gaze to remain on Jesus, who loves me, everything I do and say and how I feel are all simply better. For when my gaze is on Him, my heart is full of Him. And when my heart is full of such goodness, that goodness is bound to come out of me despite all of my own imperfections. When I think of how this affects me as a wife, as a mother, as a daughter, as a friend - it makes me all the more excited to spend time alone with my Savior. To become closer to Him, more full of Him, that He comes out of me.

My prayer this morning is that we will stop judging ourselves against unrealistic standards (our own or that of others), and that we will simply focus on Jesus. He loves us with a "Never Stopping, Never Giving Up, Unbreaking, Always and Forever Love."* When we fix our gaze on that beautiful truth, His Love is bound to show up and come out in our own lives. And that is exciting!


*http://www.jesusstorybookbible.com/

Martha, Martha, Martha

Luke 10:38-42 "As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”
 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

Martha had good intentions. She had the most honorable guest in her home, and she wanted to make things perfect. She wanted her home to be worthy of Jesus' presence. Cleanliness is next to godliness, right? Her focus was on preparing, organizing, and perfecting everything for the evening that welcomed His Presence into her home. She wanted Him to sit in the best seat, to eat the best meal, to have clean napkins, to use a clean bathroom. She had to be busy to make sure He was satisfied.

I am so much like Martha.

I busy myself daily on things that seem important, but I often neglect the most important. I prayed so long for the opportunity to be at home full time with Ella Beth and Landon. Sacrifices have been made (are still being made) to make this happen. But I often spend my days being busy instead of just being with them.

Now, my children aren't as honored guests in our home as Jesus would be, but they are still very honorable. And the time I have with them is fleeting. We have all heard grandparents say, "Enjoy them now because they grow up so fast." I hear that, and I believe that I need to enjoy them, but I allow myself to get caught up in the "doing." 

I know this story in the Bible is related to how we should prioritize our relationship with Jesus above all else, but I can only imagine the mother that Mary would have been. "Mary was so desirous to hear the words of The Lord that she was unconcerned about the situation around her. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to assist her sister in the preparing of the meal, but for her it was that she found to sit and hear the words of The Lord MORE important than busying herself about in the handling of one task after the other." Khandielse

When I compare the priorities of these two sisters - both who had good intentions - I see that one had greater intentions. Mary wanted more to enjoy the moment; to cherish time that she knew she could not get back. She didn't want to miss out on the gifts that Jesus was giving her. 

And that's what my children are: gifts.

I feel at times that I can actually hear Jesus whispering to me, "Amber, Amber, you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one." My personal relationship with Him is important, but teaching my children about Jesus is equally important. Jesus loves the little children. They are so important to God's heart. The fields are ripe for harvest. Children who are taught about Jesus from an early age, will easily accept Him into their hearts. I don't know about you, but my children learn best from example. 

I so easily slip into Martha's shoes...my intentions are good, but what example am I ultimately setting? Is cleaning the kitchen for the second time in a day more important than sitting in the floor doing puzzles? Is folding laundry more important than holding my waking children for five extra minutes in the morning? Is cleaning the bathroom more important than sharing the Truths of God's love through reading their Bible together? 

A clean kitchen, folded laundry, a clean bathroom - all are good. But what is better? 

My challenge to myself over the next week is to be fully present right where I am. If it's during my quiet time with the Lord, let me be all there. If it is sitting in peace and quiet reflection, let me be all there. And if it is with my children, let me be all there. Let them sense my full presence. And most importantly, let them sense the love of Jesus flowing from my heart straight to theirs. Let them know that I value them as the precious gifts that they are, that they are worth letting other things go. Because it really is true, time goes by so fast and I must make the most of every precious opportunity. 

Mary understood this. And I pray that my heart will, too. 

Restless

This song is such a beautiful prayer of resting in our Savior. It is my prayer that you are restless until you rest in Him alone.

Perfect In Weakness

2 Corinthians 12:9, "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."


There have been days lately when I have felt so overwhelmed that I can barely stand up, let alone put one foot in front of the other.

I have been weary.

Weary: –adjective;  1. physically or mentally exhausted by hard work, exertion, strain, etc.; fatigued; tired: weary eyes; a weary brain. 2. characterized by or causing fatigue: a weary journey. 3. impatient or dissatisfied with something.

The physical exhaustion of motherhood is nothing new. Heck, that kinda set in during Ella Beth's first week of life - I'd say I'm pretty used to that. Fatigue, yeah, used to that, too.

It's the "impatient or dissatisfied with something" that I'm struggling with. I have continually thought that my impatience has been directed at Ella Beth (which can be a challenge with a 4 year old) - but after prayer and journaling and searching with the help of the Holy Spirit I have realized that most of my impatience is directed at myself.

But why am I so hard on myself? It's called a foothold - Satan knows my weakest area is Perfectionism and he is using it against me. I've been a perfectionist for a very long time. Perfectionist in appearance, cleanliness, doing things well, doing things "right." But what I am finding is that the more I strive for perfection the more I fall short. If Ella Beth doesn't act well, then it's something I haven't done well. If Ella Beth speaks disrespectfully, it's because I've done something wrong. If Landon pitches a fit and has a complete melt down, it's a reflection of me as a mother.
 
All of those statements may in fact be true. But I can NOT allow myself any longer to believe the lie that I must be perfect. Christ says His power is made perfect in my weakness. Made perfect in weakness. But if I can't let go of my weakness - if I can't stop trying to "fix" it on my own - He can never make perfect.
 
I'm not talking about making me perfect. I'm talking about how He can use me. But, He can't if I won't let Him. My weaknesses are of use to my Heavenly Father, and I need to start seeing them as such. I need to stop beating myself up day after day about my failures, and instead give them over to Christ for Him to use. "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." When I boast about my reliance upon my Savior - my need for Him in every area of my life - only then can Christ's power rest on me.
 
I know that I'm not the only mama out there who struggles with this. So I encourage you, just as I am encouraging myself, to boast about our weaknesses. We are not to be proud of our sinful nature, but we are to show others how our reliance on Christ's grace and sufficiency is a true testament of His love.

Joy

Have you ever stopped to think how wonderful our God truly is? How everything good in our lives is completely from Him?

Have you ever stopped to think how good God truly is? Even when things are bad in our lives, are bad in the world, God is still God. And God is still good.

"The secret of being thankful is learning to see everything from [God's] perspective." Sarah Young

I love this quote because it speaks to me at my deepest core. God's perspective is so different from our own, isn't it? Our limited view disillusions us at times. Why tornadoes? Why worldwide hunger? Why massive tragedies? How does God's perspective look in light of ours?

I don't believe God likes to see tragedy strike us. We know that the world is not as He intended it to be, but sin entered and, therefore, things are not perfect.

But we can make them better.

Tornadoes, hunger, tragedies...those give us the opportunity to love others and show others who God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit are: loving, kind, generous, sacrificing, serving.

James 1:2 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds."

Easier said than done. Consider it pure joy to face trials? But, what if our perspective shifts a little? Could it be that trials allow us to see God's provision as well as the goodness of others? It does not bring God any joy to see us suffer. But what does bring Him joy is seeing His people help those who are suffering.

One way is to simply donate. Here is a website that lists different organizations and how you can donate to the relief of those affected by the tornadoes that hit the South.
http://www.examiner.com/home-living-in-atlanta/relief-efforts-continue-the-south

Another way is to get dirty and serve with your kiddos and your spouse! Talk about bringing joy to others...who doesn't like to see little ones helping others?!?! Not to mention, it would be a great memory to share together as a family. :)

Teaching littles about Easter

Easter is my most favorite holiday. Not because of decorations or good meals like at Christmas time, but simply because of Jesus. I made the decision this year to completely disregard the Easter Bunny. To me, the Easter Bunny is just irrelevant and it takes away from the entire meaning of Easter. Yes, my children will get an Easter basket (full of candy and one small gift) - but they will know it's from Mommy and Daddy. :)

I want Easter to remain focused. On Jesus! Easter is the most special day of the year, to me. While Good Friday is holy beyond words with the death of our Savior who overcame all of our sins by dying on the cross, Easter is GLORIOUS!

I have a very sensitive little girl. The first time we read through the Jesus Storybook Bible, she cried when Jesus was put on the cross. I understood her heart - how could someone so good die because of those mean people?

So we don't focus on Jesus' death too much right now. No, we exalt Easter Sunday! Isn't Easter Sunday, the third day, what sets apart Christianity from all other religions anyway?! Every other "great leader" of any religion died...but only Jesus rose again! And that is what we celebrate. Easter Sunday, He Is Risen, is our celebration!!!

One way that I have found to teach the Easter story is through Resurrection Eggs. My kids really enjoy these eggs because they tell a story and because they can touch them. :)

We sit on the floor together every day during the week leading up to Easter, and we talk through the story of Easter together. You will be surprised at how quickly little ones can remember the entire story as they hold and touch the elements that each egg represents.

Egg 1: A small branch w/ leaves for Palm Sunday
Egg 2: A small wash cloth to represent Jesus washing the disciples' feet
Egg 3: A dime to represent Judas' betrayal
Egg 4: A cracker to represent Jesus' body at the Last Supper
Egg 5: A small cup to represent Jesus' blood at the Last Supper
Egg 6: A rubber band or piece of leather to represent the whips used to beat Jesus (we touch very lightly here)
Egg 7: A small stem from a rose bush (of only thorns) to represent the crown of thorns the Roman soldiers gave Jesus to wear
Egg 8: A small cross made out of sticks (We talk about how Jesus chose to stay on the cross because He loved us so much. He could have come down at any moment, but His love kept Him there.)
Egg 9: A piece of gauze to represent the linens that Jesus wore on the cross
Egg 10: A die to represent the Roman soldiers casting lots for Jesus' linens
Egg 11: A stone to represent the one in front of the tomb
Egg 12: Empty - to represent Jesus' resurrection - He Is Risen!!!

We celebrate BIG after we open Egg 12. We sing and dance, and the kiddos say over and over He Is Risen! He Is Risen! He Is Risen Indeed!!!

I would love to hear any of your ideas that your family does to celebrate Easter and keep Jesus as the focus. :) And I just love to say...We serve such a wonderful Savior and King!

A New "Me" Resolution

It was kinda weird going to church this morning because I felt as though the pastor had read my journal and was speaking from it.

Well, kinda. I mean, Andy Stanley is a much better communicator than I am. ;)

But...his message this morning was about determining "WHO you want to be rather than determining what you want to do." His main point was that who we are determines what our actions are.

**The first resolution that I made this year was to be a better friend. Last year, Scott and I were blessed over and over again by friends (old and new). During the month of March, especially, friends brought meals to the hospital - that was WAY out of anyone's way, friends supplied meals for weeks after we were home and still adjusting (and having relapses with Ella Beth). While I was in Kenya, friends made sure Scott was never overwhelmed by having to cook anything. And, just throughout the year, many friends called to check in on the kiddos, on us, and just did what friends do.

Well, for me, I've decided to pay it forward. I want to be a friend that my friends can depend on and can look back on times and known that I was there. There are times in my life (as well as everyone's!) where I just get overly-wrapped up in my own life. I forget to call, return email, or just check in. My excuse is always that I'm too busy. But who isn't?

Therefore, one of my New "Me" Resolutions is to simply be a better friend. 

**My second resolution is to give up carbonated drinks. All year. Even DP. Oh boy.

This resolution is two-fold really. 1) To just consume less calories and sugar. 2) To save money. 

(Can I say that this may be my most difficult goal to keep? Last night I dreamed that I was out to eat and was slurping down Dr. Pepper re-fill after re-fill!!!)

**My last resolution is my favorite, and my most important.

For Christmas, I got Scott a Men's devotional Bible, and I got myself a Women's devotional Bible. :) Since they are published by the same printer (Zondervan), they both have the same reading plans.

(And, aren't they just too cute?!?! I know Scott is going to love coordinating not only his reading plans, but his stylish Bible with mine. ;)

So, my resolution is to read my Bible every day. 

This is my favorite resolution for two reasons: 1) Because spending time in God's word keeps me close to Him (even when I don't feel that closeness), reminds me of His promises, and provides the direction and encouragement that I need. 2) I am reading my Bible with my husband. We are growing together. And, that's something that makes my heart happy. This "Me" resolution is simply helping me to grow into the woman that I desire to be. A woman whose heart is after the heart of my Savior. A woman whose desires are Godly, and wants only the will of God in her life.

I feel that my other "resolutions" (to be more patient, more generous, healthier, etc.) will be a result of this "Me" Resolution. And that's all I can ask for. :)

--

Have you made any "You" Resolutions for this year?