Pain reminds this heart that this is not our home

This has been one of those weeks that I wish I could undo and not have to live through. But that's not how life works, is it?

In late August I found out I was pregnant. I got pregnant on the pill. Again. For the third time; second time this year. A long miscarriage in March. I didn't know I was pregnant because I was on the pill, so I had to go through the miscarriage on my own because by the time I realized something was wrong, it was too late for a DNC. March 5-April 15 was pretty miserable.

And, now, things are hard. I went for my first prenatal appointment this past Tuesday at 8 in the morning. Scott and I had finally gotten over the shock that I am pregnant again, only to be faced with a trial that we weren't prepared for.

The doctor did an ultrasound to measure the baby and give a due date. But, we didn't get that far. Quickly into the ultrasound, the doctor told us that things didn't look good. The embryonic sack is far bigger than the baby. He said that is a high indication that my body "knows something is wrong with the baby and is trying to get rid of it." Not something any mother wants to hear - whether a pregnancy is a surprise or not. So, I was sent home to play the waiting game. The hard part.

I have been on pins and needles - will I miscarry or not? Will it be this morning? During the night? And then I start spotting yesterday. So is the inevitable underway? I call the doctor, and he says that this is not necessarily a sign that I am miscarrying, but it could be. He wants me to come in next Tuesday for another ultrasound to determine how things are progressing - toward the good or toward the end?

I hurt. I hurt physically with cramping and nausea that both last all day and into the night. And, my heart hurts. I have a tiny life inside of me - a life of which we saw a tiny heartbeat fluttering. But I could be losing it. Does the baby feel any pain? Is the baby under stress? Can that tiny life feel how much I love it? That even if we were surprised, we are still in love with a life that Scott and I have created.

We have Landon as a reminder of how special surprises are. And when we look at him, and how perfectly the surprise of him fit into our lives, we know that this baby would be just the same.

Laura Story has a beautiful song called "Blessings" - and I have been listening to it over and over.

There are so many things in this life that I do not understand. But I still trust that God is good. And this song is ministering to my heart to remind me that even when we don't understand, God is good and has our lives in the palm of His hand.

I am praying hard for this sweet life to grow, and to grow healthy. But I put all of my trust in God's will. Because I trust that His will is perfect. And my deepest yearning is to live in light of God's love - resting in Him alone - and accepting that if/when He says "no" it's for a greater purpose. To draw me closer to Him. 

"All the while you hear each spoken need, yet Love is way too much to give us lesser things. We doubt your goodness, we doubt your Love, as if every promise from Your word is not enough. What if Your blessings come through raindrops? What if you healing comes through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near?

Pain reminds this heart that this is not our home.

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy.

What if trials of this life - the rain, the storms, the hardest nights - are your mercies in disguise."