34 week VENT

This morning I went to the doctor for a follow-up from being discharged from the hospital a day and a half ago. It wasn't the best appointment.

For starters, I was feeling rather rough again this morning, but I really thought I could fake it through my appointment. Turns out, those darn nurses and midwives and blood pressure machines are pretty smart. My blood pressure was higher than it's ever been this morning, and it was due to the fact that I was sitting in the doctor's office in pre-term labor yet again. Seriously? You've got to be kidding me. I knew that I was having some discomfort, but really???

So I am monitored and "checked out" and I am told that I need to go back to the hospital. Well, that was too much for this over-it-and-on-the-edge mama to take. I just started crying. Wasn't I JUST discharged??? I begged and pleaded, and cried. There is nothing good about being in the hospital. Nothing. And the fact that I'm going to have to be there longer after Porter is born is NOT a benefit of a c-section. Waaaaa!

The doctor and midwife want to "re-evaluate" my due date and bump me back a week since I am still measuring "so small." OK, seriously? I have been on the same small growth curve this entire pregnancy, and even though I did gain more weight with Ella Beth and Landon and grow a few more centimeters...I still just have little babies. Sometimes I feel like the people who should know better forget to add common sense into their evaluations. And, it's just driving me crazy. Waaaaa!

They sent me to the hospital for pre-term labor last Thursday, but then sent me home 3 days later b/c my blood pressure was rising due to my swelling and continuous medications. Today, they want to ignore the blood pressure and send me back to the hospital b/c I am in pre-term labor again. "It's finding a balance," they say.

I can't win, and this whole back-and-forth is really hard to take. Of course, I want a healthy baby boy more than anything...but if it's going to cost me my sanity, they are just going to have to fully sedate me until it's time to deliver. I can't take much more of this! Not to mention that it's also really hard on Scott and the kiddos. Poor Scott has more work than he knows what to do with (which is a huge blessing being self-employeed) - just not the easiest schedule to keep right now, and the kiddos are beyond confused. I try my hardest not to wince in front of them when the contractions and cramping start, and when I left to go to the doctor this morning Ella Beth asked, "Are you coming home?" They just have such sweet spirits, and they just want their mama. Love them so much!

But, I did "win" at the doctor. I told them I just wanted to go home (there may or may not have been a runny nose and sobs involved). If more contractions start or any of the "other signs" that I am to watch for closely show, then it's back to the hospital for me - where I "will NOT be released under any circumstance." So, hopefully, Porter and I will stay out of the hospital and then next time I'm there it's to celebrate his much anticipated and glorious birthday.

I know that within a year's time, maybe even less, this whole pregnancy will be a blur and will be a thing of the past. I know that there are women who would give their right arms to be in my position - with a living baby inside their wombs; I was one of those women. I also know that God is stretching me way beyond what I thought I could endure to allow me to relinquish all control and to trust in Him. My heart and my head know this. And I truly am thankful. But sometimes it's really, really hard.

My prayer request would be that Porter stay healthy and strong, and that I will deliver in about two weeks. :)