To say that leaving the hospital without Porter was hard is a huge understatement. Scott had to work on Wednesday so I had all day to hang out with Porter in the NICU. I was there for every feeding and diaper change, I nursed him twice, and I spent time in his room just being with him while he slept during all of the times in between. I wanted to soak up as much time with him before I left. I think I convinced myself that I could store up a little quality time so that I wouldn't miss him so much; it didn't work.
It was honestly like Porter knew I was leaving because he was WIDE awake, which is very rare after a feeding, and he grabbed onto my finger and wouldn't let go. He just kept staring at me, and I told him, "You are going to have to break our staring contest first because Mommy can't do it. I'm not leaving until you are ready to let go." Melt my heart, he kept eye contact and kept holding my finger!!! He loves his mama already. :) But eye contact was finally broken, and I kissed him and told him I'd see him the next day. Then I had to will my feet to move and walk over to my wheelchair so Scott could take me downstairs to leave.
I have now been home for 36 hours without my son. Of course, I've been to the hospital twice to see Porter within that time, but being home without him is hard. There are things all over the house for Porter - the swing, his bed in our room, a book shelf in our room with tiny clothes and socks, blankets, diapers, etc, all set out for him. I'm not a glutton for punishment, but I do hold up his tiny clothes and try to imagine him in them. Always produces tears. Always engulfs my heart with the reality that part of my heart is not with me; it had to be left behind.
But having Ella Beth and Landon home with me have been great distractions. Scott had to work yesterday until about 3. Call me crazy, but I just wanted to jump back into normalcy. It's been so long since life at home has been normal! Of course, I still can't pick up the kiddos - which isn't normal - but other than that, we are getting there. I guess we will actually homeschool next week to get in another week of school before my "maternity leave" begins when Porter gets home. The flexibililty with homeschooling has been such a blessing to our family over the last 10 weeks. We have actually been able to stay on schedule, because Saturdays and evenings are always options at home. :)
Pumping is going relatively well. My milk supply is slowly increasing, and I am praying that it will double today. Porter is now completely off formula in his feeding tube and when they practice giving him a bottle - and I want to make more than enough milk so that he continues to only receive breast milk. Yesterday after noon when I went to visit Porter the first words out of his nurse's mouth were, "Well, he sure does prefer breastmilk over formula." Those were the words this mama needed to hear! If I can't be with him 24/7, at least I can feed him. I repeat those words over and over in my head while I am pumping and looking at pictures of Porter - whatever works to increase my milk. I am also now taking Fenugreek hoping to increase my milk. And praying, praying, praying!!!
The highlights of my day are definitely walking into Porter's room and seeing him for the first time. It's hard having had a c-section because my body wants to RUN once I enter the hospital, but my body can't run. I just waddle as fast as my pain tolerance will let me to get to my baby boy! Oh, I just love holding his tiny little self. He responds to my voice as soon as I speak, and my heart leaps! And I never knew how much I truly enjoyed nursing until 3 years after I thought I had stopped. Holding Porter and bonding with him in a way no one else can inflates my heart to an almost popping point. Because Porter is so tiny, I have to hold him in the "cross-over hold." I have to cup his tiny head in my hand to support him while he's nursing. Oh. My. Word. His tiny head literally fits into just the palm of hand. And his skinny little body rests against my chest. It's nice that his size really helps with nursing after a c-section. ;)
After nursing and holding him for about an hour, it's then time to place him back in his NICU bed. It ain't an easy thing to do. I always love the warm spot that lingers for a little while reminding me where his little body laid against me. I have found myself with my hand resting there as I'm walking out of the hospital. I guess I just want to hold on to whatever part of him I can as long as possible.
It's a really good thing that I have Ella Beth and Landon here to love on, spend time with, and be distracted by...otherwise I'd become a crazy person. ;)
Right now there is no specific time frame in which Porter will come home. There are just milestones that he has to meet: Maintaining body temperature, successful feedings 8 times a day, no "flat lines" on his respiratory oxygen level, steady blood pressure and heart rate, car seat inspection, and mommy and daddy passing infant CPR. It seems like so much has to happen before Porter comes home, but I pray all day every day that Porter will bust through these milestones and come home with Mama soon!
(note: all pics were taken with iPhone...it was just easy to carry around.)
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