I really just need to get this over with. I am going to throw myself a pity party because maybe, just maybe, if I get it all out I'll feel better. I'm not looking for sympathy or for anyone to feel sorry for me. I just need to get it out. It's not going to be pretty, and it's not going to be well-written. It just is what it is.
I am miserable.
There. I said it.
Everyone that I talk to these days asks how I am feeling/doing. I want to lie and tell everyone that I'm doing OK. Doing fine. Most of the time I do. I mean, I hate to be a downer and tell people that I feel horrible.
But that would be the accurate truth.
I do feel horrible. I feel awful. I can't do anything without paying for it. If I simply get the clothes out of the dryer and fold them, I hurt. If I fix the kiddos lunch, I hurt. Get a shower? Hurt. And if I get ready after getting a shower? I'm down for the count and just about done for the rest of the day. (Which is why I only get a shower every 2 or 3 days lately. So pardon the smell.)
I hate that Ella Beth and Landon have to endure this as well. Both of them have started praying every night that God will "let Porter come out of Mommy's belly so that she will feel better." That breaks my heart. I try my darnedest not to complain about the cramping and contractions in front of the kiddos b/c I don't want to scare them. But kids are smart, and they know when something is going on with their mama. Shoot, even our cat knows because he has become very affectionate and follows me around if I get up.
One of my biggest fears is that the kiddos are going to resent Porter. Resent the fact that this pregnancy is why I can't pick them up, can't wrestle, can't go for walks, can't stand for long periods of time to bake cookies and cupcakes and brownies, can't go to the park, can't....can't....can't. I try to do as much as I can with them on the couch or floor or bed, but it's not the same. A four year old boy can only handle sitting still for so long, ya know? I want them to be elated when their baby brother arrives, but life has already changed and everyone knows how much will change AFTER he gets here. I'm just nervous that once he gets here and we are STILL home bound by a newborn's schedule, that it's all going to be too much for Ella Beth and Landon to understand.
Their behavior is also taking a turn. Mostly Ella Beth's, and it's not for the better. I'm not sure if she's testing me more, or if she's just confused and doesn't know how to handle her emotions. It's probably a mixture with a heavier dose of wild emotions mixed in. I am praying every morning for the Holy Spirit to come through me; not the spirit of Amber. That His fruits of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control will not be clouded or polluted by my own icky-ness. But it gets hard as the days get longer.
And being on bedrest is just plain wretched. It may sound good for a day or two, but believe me, for any longer period it is not. Scott does SO much, and I hate the extra burden that he now has. He works all day and has to come home to setting the dinner table, preparing dinner (or doing what's necessary after someone graciously drops it off), laundry, playing with the kiddos who are wound up b/c they've been pinned up all day, vacuuming, bath time, etc. Scott is a truly wonderful man and has not complained even in the slightest tone of voice, but as his wife I hate it. I love serving him, and I hate not being able to.
And have I mentioned that I feel like I'm turning into mush??? I enjoy exercising, and not being able to even go for a walk is awful. For the first two trimesters, I worked out every other day with prenatal videos. They were great - just enough to make me feel like I was taking care of myself and helping me bounce back after Porter's arrival. Now? Well, to say that I feel like a hibernating bear who is insulating herself with layers of fat would be accurate. I know, I know, taking care of Porter is number one. I know that fully. But as someone who has always dealt with body issues, it's just really hard to take.
I want to cry my eyes out every evening. But I don't. I honestly think that I'm scared to - like once they start they may never stop.
But, I am holding on - though barely it seems. I was 30 weeks pregnant yesterday. And that's a really good thing.
14 comments:
Have your pity party sweet girl! You are simply beautiful, and once sweet Porter is here nobody will resent him. I wish I lived closer...I would come take care of at least the vacuuming. :) He will be here soon enough, but in the mean time feel free to pity party blog style!
We want Ella Beth and Landon to spend the day with us tomorrow! Can I come get them at 10:00? I will bring them back tired before dinner so you can have a little time with them :) Jennifer & Chip :)))
Thank you, Amber for your honesty. I think it is helpful when we are honest with ourselves about our struggles, and it helps everyone around us know HOW to help us, (even when that is really not what we were going for).
Every minute of this dreadful waiting period will be a distant memory the moment you walk into your home with Porter for the first time. Your children will not resent him for this time, I can nearly guarantee that! You do your best just to survive now, hang onto your sanity by your finger nails if need be, but know that while it sounds like a lifetime from now... In a years' time, you will have difficulty even remembering the dreaded and painfully difficult moments of today. Do not lose heart! I am praying today for peace for you. Know that His power is made perfect in our weakness... Weakness of body image, weakness of spirit, rely on HIM for your strength... You will get through this. I know it is tough!
Amber, I know we havent talked since high school...or maybe even middle school, but your blog touched my heart (as it always does). If I can give you one piece of advice, cry. Just take some time tonight and cry. You will feel better. It's not healthy to hold it all in. You're only human and you cant "stay strong" like everyone thinks a person should. Just let it all go.
Also, I can understand your concern about Ella Beth and Landon. As you probably know, I'm a child psychologist. If you ever want them to come see me, let me know. If not, just keep reminding them how much you love them. I'm sure they are well-rounded children with a mom like you so they will bounce back. Have faith that everything will be okay.
Amber, I am so moved by your 1000 list and I'm really sorry for all that you are having to endure right now. Don't really think I have anything to say that others aren't saying but just know that our family will be praying for you guys. That has got to be just so hard and I'm glad you have a place to be honest about that. Praying for all of you right now!
Amber! I just have to say that from the FIRST time I met you at BOAW, I thought you were absolutely beautiful. I also deal with "body issues" (hate that) and I remember thinking to myself, "if only I had a cute little body like that, I wouldn't be so hard on myself!" And even when I saw you a few weeks ago, all I could think about after I saw you was how absolutely awesome you look at 28-29 weeks pregnant. I remember someone telling me I looked great around 38 weeks pregnant when I was ABSOLUTELY ginormous (um... 70 pounds added on ginormous!) and I literally felt mad at them for lying to me. So I just have to say that I am NOT lying to you and I want you to know that any "issues" you have in your mind is purely Satan eating away at your core... YOU, Amber, are beautiful. And you have such a fabulous body! Xoxo
Chelsea, Thank you. It was helpful to just get it out and now that my pity party is over I will "cry myself a river, build myself a bridge, and get over it!" You are such a sweet friend, and I do wish we lived closer!
You got 'em, and I hope you don't regret it. ;) Love you and thankful for you!
Christina, thank you for letting me be honest. I was nervous about it b/c I don't want anyone to judge me about not being thankful for this sweet baby. But the fact is, it's just really hard. I am thankful that you are someone who can keep me grounded from your own experience.
My fingernails are very worn down, but you're right that I have to keep holding on. When I pray each day I just ask God to keep Porter right in front of me. To keep me holding on for his health and his sweet little life. I trust you that Ella Beth and Landon won't resent him - that they will welcome him into our family and be overwhelmed with love for our newest member.
I am looking forward to bedrest being a memory, but of course I won't want Porter growing up too fast. ;) I *will* get over this. You're right. I will!
Asia - it's been since high school, and man that's a long time ago. We are getting old! You are correct that I need to give myself the opportunity to just get it out. And I will b/c it is honestly getting to be too much to keep in. Thank you for encouraging me to do it. So many times I just feel like I have to be strong for everyone else, but if I'm just lying to myself I'm not really doing a good job of that.
Thank you for your offer with the kiddos. If we start to feel that they need it, I will let you know. Hopefully, lots of love will keep their sweet hearts full. :)
Beth, thank you for your prayers and encouragement. It is hard, but I've just got to accept it and know that "this too shall pass." God is good, and He is in control.
We are keeping up with y'all. Austria here you come - God's timing will be perfect.
Hillary, thank you for your sweet comments. I think that we as women all struggle with body issues. From being too short, too tall, too big boned, too pudgy, too flabby, too _______. For me, being pregnant just expands my own personal issues because I feel like everything is out of my control. Now with bedrest and being forbidden to lift anything heavier than my hair brush, the acceptance of my body is not easy. Even though I know that Porter is the most important, it's still hard not to hate the "changes" that I see. And when I try to imagine fixing them after he comes, I get overwhelmed. How will I do that with three kids???
But then God, who is always good and compassionate to me, reminds me that "Man looks at the outward appearance, but He looks at the heart." And when I seek His Truth, I know that to be true. I *know* that what God sees is the most important, but I still have my own sinful eyes that look back at me with their own judgement.
But God's compassion and His mercies are new every morning - and I'm clinging to them. :)
I am praying for you, Amber! I wish I could come do some laundry or something for you. I would love that! Miss you, dear friend. You are loved!
Thank you, sweet Becca. I wish you were closer, too. NOT to do laundry or anything like that - just for your friendship and encouragement!
Post a Comment