Apparently my hormones are kicking into high gear this pregnancy. I was not emotionally hormonal at all during my pregnancy with Ella Beth, however, I've had two melt downs in less than a week.
I am so overwhelmed at the thought of having to care for two little ones. I still question why and how this happened. I am miserable in my pregnancy because I don't feel well (falling down our hard-wood stairs Monday didn't help this any), and I am exhausted all of the time. My patience is wearing very thin with Ella Beth. She has started to whine a good deal when she doesn't get her way...and I can't stand it. I would rather listen to her cry or scream than whine because she's not getting her way. I know that she doesn't understand why Mommy is tired and can't play wild and crazy with her any more; she doesn't understand why I can't "jump" her all over the house like Daddy does; she doesn't understand why it takes me two minutes to get from the living room floor to the fridge when she wants her water right then. I know that she doesn't understand. However, at the moment, my own understanding isn't making my life any easier.
We have finally started Landon's nursery. I've been looking forward to that for months. It's not boosting my outlook the way I thought it would. It is just making me more anxious about what's to come.
I feel like a horrible mother because this is my job. It's the job I chose. It's the job I always wanted. Lately, it's the only thing I want a break from.
My friend, Meredith, told me that I need "lunch breaks." She said that with every other job out there everyone gets lunch breaks. They have time to get away from their work and think about/enjoy something else. They also get weekends.
I suppose Mere is right. The longest I've ever been away from Ella Beth is 6 hours one Friday. Sometimes I think it would help me appreciate her and the time I spend with her more. But there's this catch...didn't I sign on willingly to be a full-time-mom? I feel guilty about leaving her. My mother-in-law has mentioned that I leave Ella Beth with her while I grocery shop each week. But, umm, isn't that what moms do? They do everything with their babies in tow? Then there's this other part of me who doesn't want anyone raising my baby but me - even if it's just for an hour or two. It's my job.
Okay...so my emotional rantings will stop here. I don't really feel any better now that I've "vented" but maybe someone can give me some reassurance that I will survive this. Landon's due date is 8 weeks away; I'm anticipating him arriving in less than 6.
Will my hormones get even worse? Heaven help me...and Scott...if they do.
(I'll be sure to post pics of the nursery as we progress. Right now, it's in the process of beging painted light blue.)
4 comments:
Oh, this is SO me. I am constantly torn between being my children's mom and getting a break every now and then. And while I love being a stay at home mom, and would not have it any other way, there are moments where I hover on the brink of my sanity. Two has been difficult for me. It has been a tough transition. But, just like me, you will learn what works for you and what allows you some down time - synchronizing their naps, watching a video - and it will be ok. You WILL figure it all out, and you will be a wonderful mom for your two. When I do have my 'moments' of meltdown, I feel guilty, like I'm their Mom, I shouldn't feel this way! But the longer I'm a Mom the more I realize that it's normal, it's hard, it is challenging, sometimes overwhelming to be a Mom 24/7. And it's downright impossible to do it all by yourself. Give yourself some breaks. Take your MIL up on her offer (except not to go to the grocery store; go out to lunch with a friend or get a pedicure or something fun!) for a few hours. You are a mom 24/7; it's ok to have a few hours "off" to enjoy yourself. Oh, and the transition to two? I won't sugar coat it - it will be tough, it will have its challenges, but it will be rewarding beyond what you've dreamed of. Being a mother of two still challenges me, still overwhelms me at times, but is so completely "me" that I can't imagine it any other way. And seeing my kids interacting with each other, learning how to love and share and respect and laugh....it's truly priceless. You will love it. ;)
Hang in there, we've ALL been there and continue to be there. We all have our days. You are SO not alone in your fears, feelings, etc... Let me know if you have any *spare* time before he comes that you might feel up to maybe coming over so the girls could meet and play.
I can understand completely how you feel and I just have one. I had a rough day today too, but just because I had so much to do and didn't get it all done. I know that we'll have another baby some day, if it's in God's will, and I know I'll have the same apprehensions that you do.
I understand the part about not wanting anyone else to raise your children and I think of that every Friday when Kevin's parents keep Peyton. However, it's good quality time with a grandparent who won't be around his whole life and I want him to know them and love them the way I did mine. I also see the joy they get from being around him. I need that break. When they are out of town, that's a rough month because there is no break (other than Bunco and Bible Study). For your sanity, let grandparents help when they can.
P/S...if you ever just need to get out (even though the kids are in tow) I'm at home too and would meet you anytime.
You heard my spiel (is that the correct word) at Chili's on Friday - but I'll post it so that you can read it as well. God required rest, a break, time to kick his feet up and enjoy his creation without any responsibility. I don't think that he would expect more from us with our job and responsibility. Everyone else who has a 'normal' job gets a weekend off and if taking care of Ella Beth and Landen is your job then you deserve a 'weekend' from them. It's not wrong - I think it makes you appreciate your 'job' and your children more! Anyway...love you!
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