Have you ever had to give something up? Whether it be something big or small, giving things up can be rather difficult. Painful even.
I used to have the cleanest car of anyone I knew. I kept special dust cloths in my organized console to wipe down the entire dashboard twice a week. Trash in my car? No. Food? No way. I gave that up sometime around 5 years ago! Today after getting out of the car with three kiddos, I just sighed at the crumbs, dirt, and tiny pieces of paper all over the floorboard. Do I wish I still had a spotlessly clean car? Absolutely. But is it worth the fight? Absolutely not!
However, there is something else that I am having to give up these days. And I know I'm not the only one who has, or maybe who needs to? I am having to give up the time I spend on the computer and phone because I am finding that it is not the healthiest place for me to be. In this age of technology, it's so easy to get caught up in what everyone else is doing and comparing that to what I'm not doing. Or what I am doing - just doing "wrong."
Comparing ourselves to others is something that most (all?) women deal with. I think a lot of the pressure is what we put on ourselves.
As a mama, I want so badly to do things "right." But I can look just about anywhere and find someone else who seems to be doing it better, cooler, more fun, more right.
God really convicted me the other night with that simple word: seems. It's all in what *I* assume is better.
God has spoken very clearly to my heart lately about simply focusing on my own family and what we are doing. I don't need to look other places for ideas of what makes a happy home or to be convicted if I'm not doing a good job. The Lord has given me my children and has made me their mama. We can come up with our own ideas of what to do as a family instead of trying to live out someone else's. And I have also come to know that the Lord will convict my heart if something is amiss; I don't need to feel guilty or that I'm not good enough based on what others are or are not doing. He will gently bring into focus areas that truly need attention.
So for me, I am having to really limit the time I spend blog surfing or on Facebook. I am redirecting that energy to pouring into the family that I have, rather than the one I think I need to re-create.
I came upon this quote just the other day:
When one consistently chooses cyberspace over holy space — life becomes a hollow place.
Coincidence? I think not...and I am letting this thought, this Holy conviction, sink into my heart so that I can be the mama God has called me to be for my children and my family.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Multitudes on Monday
1016. Newborn stretches and grunts
1017. Quiet moments of prayer throughout the day when quiet times are rare
1018. The mercy of God
1019. Hearing Ella Beth tell what she has learned about salvation at church and knowing that her heart is so close to truly understanding it
1020. That Landon's eye injury was not a millimeter closer or serious damage could have been done to his vision and/or eye
1021. Cameras to capture sweet family memories forever
1022. Cotton-waisted pants while still recovering from a horrible c-section experience
1023. Taking my first walk with Porter in the stroller
1024. Ella Beth's mama-heart that wants to take care of Porter
1025. Landon's most tender kisses on Porter's tiny head
1026. Heart to heart talks with Scott - even if they involve a newborn burp, diaper change, and sibling interruptions
1027. The way Porter has already started holding my hair while he's nursing
1028. God's new mercies each morning - whether it was leaving the NICU or now getting out of bed each morning to tend to the children He has blessed me with.
1017. Quiet moments of prayer throughout the day when quiet times are rare
1018. The mercy of God
1019. Hearing Ella Beth tell what she has learned about salvation at church and knowing that her heart is so close to truly understanding it
1020. That Landon's eye injury was not a millimeter closer or serious damage could have been done to his vision and/or eye
1021. Cameras to capture sweet family memories forever
1022. Cotton-waisted pants while still recovering from a horrible c-section experience
1023. Taking my first walk with Porter in the stroller
1024. Ella Beth's mama-heart that wants to take care of Porter
1025. Landon's most tender kisses on Porter's tiny head
1026. Heart to heart talks with Scott - even if they involve a newborn burp, diaper change, and sibling interruptions
1027. The way Porter has already started holding my hair while he's nursing
1028. God's new mercies each morning - whether it was leaving the NICU or now getting out of bed each morning to tend to the children He has blessed me with.
Psalm 106:1 "Give thanks to the Lord for He is good; His love endures forever."
Thursday, April 26, 2012
One Month
I simply Can. Not. Believe. that Porter is a month old. It seems like he just arrived. I guess, in a sense, he did just arrive at home so that makes it seem hard to believe that he's really been with us for a month. And what a month it has been! God has been so faithful to our family during this month to bring us out stronger and more content than ever. I honestly have never enjoyed being home more than I have these last few days - just having us all together. It has not only been an answered prayer, but it has been the most special blessing of my life.
I remember asking one of the NICU nurses about a week in to Porter's stay, "Are we out of the woods?" and she replied, "Not yet." To be faced with that (all of the anxieties and stress that go with it), and now to be at home healthy and all together - there are no words.
It's still amazing to me that Porter is not even "supposed" to be here yet. He's still got another two weeks before his official due date. But here he is, almost 5 weeks old!
When I found out I was pregnant with Landon I remember weeping - I mean weeping - thinking that there was no way I could ever love another child as much as I loved Ella Beth. Boy was I an inexperienced mama! Love does not divide within your heart when you have more children. No, it multiplies beyond measure to encompass all of them. I love this tiny fella so much, and his place in our family is simply perfect. Surrounded by love...and LOTS of attention. :)
When Porter was still in the NICU and Ella Beth wanted to know how big he was, I told him that he was smaller than "Laney" (her Bitty Baby doll). Here at a month, he's still smaller - almost caught up in length, but no where close in torso or legs!
Speaking of legs...he's got some pretty long bird legs. ;) I tried everything I could to get him to turn his little head to face the camera, but he was not cooperating. Apparently I should have moved Landon's snack cup to the other side of his blanket!
If Ella Beth was allowed to hold Porter as often as she wanted, this would be the scene in our house all of the time. L-O-V-E it! All three of my babies just hanging out together. :)
Porter's favorite napping spot.
Mama's favorite shirt. :)
Tired and un-showered Mama with her tiniest love. :)
Porter at 1 month weighs 5 lbs, 8.5 oz.
(Not on the growth chart, but following his own curve consistently. Right now his personality is laid back like Landon's was as a newborn and his metabolism - and dreadful reflux - are just like Ella Beth's were as a newborn.)
I remember asking one of the NICU nurses about a week in to Porter's stay, "Are we out of the woods?" and she replied, "Not yet." To be faced with that (all of the anxieties and stress that go with it), and now to be at home healthy and all together - there are no words.
It's still amazing to me that Porter is not even "supposed" to be here yet. He's still got another two weeks before his official due date. But here he is, almost 5 weeks old!
When I found out I was pregnant with Landon I remember weeping - I mean weeping - thinking that there was no way I could ever love another child as much as I loved Ella Beth. Boy was I an inexperienced mama! Love does not divide within your heart when you have more children. No, it multiplies beyond measure to encompass all of them. I love this tiny fella so much, and his place in our family is simply perfect. Surrounded by love...and LOTS of attention. :)
When Porter was still in the NICU and Ella Beth wanted to know how big he was, I told him that he was smaller than "Laney" (her Bitty Baby doll). Here at a month, he's still smaller - almost caught up in length, but no where close in torso or legs!
Speaking of legs...he's got some pretty long bird legs. ;) I tried everything I could to get him to turn his little head to face the camera, but he was not cooperating. Apparently I should have moved Landon's snack cup to the other side of his blanket!
If Ella Beth was allowed to hold Porter as often as she wanted, this would be the scene in our house all of the time. L-O-V-E it! All three of my babies just hanging out together. :)
Porter's favorite napping spot.
Tired and un-showered Mama with her tiniest love. :)
Porter at 1 month weighs 5 lbs, 8.5 oz.
(Not on the growth chart, but following his own curve consistently. Right now his personality is laid back like Landon's was as a newborn and his metabolism - and dreadful reflux - are just like Ella Beth's were as a newborn.)
Monday, April 23, 2012
Multitudes on Monday
1005. sweet smelling baby lotion
1006. a naked baby boy
1007. a naked, wet baby boy
1008. being able to comfort my tiny fella like no one else can
1009. conversations with Ella Beth
1010. glow in the dark princess puzzles
1011. folding laundry for all three kiddos and being thankful for all that God provides
1012. tasty recipes from friends that are easy to recreate
1013. beautiful cut flowers in the bathroom
1014. bouncing ideas off of other homeschooling mamas
1015. lazy, unhurried days
1006. a naked baby boy
1007. a naked, wet baby boy
1008. being able to comfort my tiny fella like no one else can
1009. conversations with Ella Beth
1010. glow in the dark princess puzzles
1011. folding laundry for all three kiddos and being thankful for all that God provides
1012. tasty recipes from friends that are easy to recreate
1013. beautiful cut flowers in the bathroom
1014. bouncing ideas off of other homeschooling mamas
1015. lazy, unhurried days
Psalm 118:19, "Open for me the gates of the righteous; I will enter and give thanks to the LORD."
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Week 1 at home
Our first week home with Porter has gone pretty well. Of course I'm quite sleep deprived (and have been for what feels like forever after spending continuous days and nights in the NICU), but for the most part things are going well. The kiddos are still in love with their new little brother...Ella Beth a little overly so at times. ;) They are big helpers when I ask them to hand me a diaper, gas drops, burp cloth, etc.
As with the older two, Porter has the dreaded reflux. But, lucky for us (I guess???) this seasoned Mama knows all of the signs so we have been through Zantac and have now moved on to Prevacid. Porter also has a milk protein allergy - aka, Mama can't eat anything. I'm starving all of the time b/c if it's not absolutely fresh (meat, veggies, fruit, nuts) then I can't eat it. I am astonished at all of the foods that milk/whey are in. This may end up being a very successful diet, but it ain't gonna be enjoyable!
OK, on with pictures. They are heavy on the tiny fella side, but goodness knows I have an over abundant supply of pics of his big sister and big brother. ;)
After a major spit up episode, Porter wanted to immediately nurse. He fell asleep before I could put clothes back on him. But I don't mind b/c I love naked babies. :)
Luckily for us, our dear friend Joanna loaned us this swing. It gets a lot of use since Porter needs to be held upright after his feedings. Otherwise things get messy. Very messy.
But there are times when he successfully naps in his bed. Ahhh, the peaceful slumber of a newborn baby.
This just made me laugh. :) Ella Beth and Landon were playing nearby, but Porter didn't seem to mind.
Oh, look. Here are those big siblings. We have tried getting into a new routine. Of course it is frequently interrupted by a tiny baby brother, but at least we are trying. (And note...getting back on track with school has proven to be a bit of a struggle. But, we are trying. And I'm trying not to give up.)
You'd think I posed this picture, but I didn't.
The aforementioned swing. Porter is in there somewhere! Now, I promise I fixed his hat as soon as I was done snapping a picture.
And my favorite picture from week 1. Not because of it's photo quality (obviously), but this picture shows just how tiny Porter is. I keep telling Scott that I think Porter is getting bigger. Apparently it's because I'm with him all day because this picture shows that he's still just as tiny as last week. ;)
Praying for patience about every 30 minutes, but enjoying being at home with all three kiddos together. It ain't easy, it ain't always pretty, I don't always get a shower, but it's life and it's family - and I love it!
As with the older two, Porter has the dreaded reflux. But, lucky for us (I guess???) this seasoned Mama knows all of the signs so we have been through Zantac and have now moved on to Prevacid. Porter also has a milk protein allergy - aka, Mama can't eat anything. I'm starving all of the time b/c if it's not absolutely fresh (meat, veggies, fruit, nuts) then I can't eat it. I am astonished at all of the foods that milk/whey are in. This may end up being a very successful diet, but it ain't gonna be enjoyable!
OK, on with pictures. They are heavy on the tiny fella side, but goodness knows I have an over abundant supply of pics of his big sister and big brother. ;)
After a major spit up episode, Porter wanted to immediately nurse. He fell asleep before I could put clothes back on him. But I don't mind b/c I love naked babies. :)
Luckily for us, our dear friend Joanna loaned us this swing. It gets a lot of use since Porter needs to be held upright after his feedings. Otherwise things get messy. Very messy.
But there are times when he successfully naps in his bed. Ahhh, the peaceful slumber of a newborn baby.
This just made me laugh. :) Ella Beth and Landon were playing nearby, but Porter didn't seem to mind.
Oh, look. Here are those big siblings. We have tried getting into a new routine. Of course it is frequently interrupted by a tiny baby brother, but at least we are trying. (And note...getting back on track with school has proven to be a bit of a struggle. But, we are trying. And I'm trying not to give up.)
You'd think I posed this picture, but I didn't.
The aforementioned swing. Porter is in there somewhere! Now, I promise I fixed his hat as soon as I was done snapping a picture.
And my favorite picture from week 1. Not because of it's photo quality (obviously), but this picture shows just how tiny Porter is. I keep telling Scott that I think Porter is getting bigger. Apparently it's because I'm with him all day because this picture shows that he's still just as tiny as last week. ;)
Praying for patience about every 30 minutes, but enjoying being at home with all three kiddos together. It ain't easy, it ain't always pretty, I don't always get a shower, but it's life and it's family - and I love it!
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
A miracle
As I sit here going into the third hour with Porter sleeping on my chest, I am overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed with the love that has again multiplied in my heart to surround my third child. Overwhelmed that this tiny fella was just inside of my womb, and now he's here breathing on my chest.
And I am overwhelmed with the goodness of God. I don't want to sound foolish, but I was brought to my knees this morning at the complete realization that God worked a miracle in my life. There are many who will tell you that miracles don't happen; life is full of coincidences, some of which turn out well. I am not one of those people. I have seen the works of God in my life, in Porter's life.
*Sometime in the beginning of August I became pregnant - on the pill.
*On September 13, 2011, my OB told Scott and me not to "get attached" to our pregnancy.
*A week later, we were given a 20% chance of a "viable pregnancy."
*A week later, a large hemorrhage formed on my uterus and I had a lot of bleeding for many weeks. During that time, my OB also told me that there was still a high chance of losing our baby because the hemorrhage was growing.
*At 18 weeks, we found out that Porter was a boy, but he was "measuring small."
*At 23 weeks, Porter was still measuring small, a new "accessory placenta" was growing, and my contractions started.
*At 26 weeks, I went to the hospital for the first time for pre-term labor.
*Again at 28 weeks.
*Again at 31 weeks.
*Again at 33 weeks, 3 days.
*Porter was born at 33 weeks, 4 days. Weighing 4 lb, 2 oz; barely on the growth chart at 1%.
His weight went down to 3 lb, 9 oz, and he spent 19 days in the NICU - on a ventilator, IV, PICC line, antibiotics, photo therapy, and feeding tube.
And yet, here I sit with this precious life breathing in and out, in and out, on my chest. Full of life in spite of all the odds. Full of life in spite of what science and doctors had to say from the very beginning. As I look at Porter, I wonder what God has in store for this tiny fella. Surely it must be good. I'm not talking about being the president, or discovering a new planet with life. No, much bigger than that. That Porter will be a man after God's own heart.
A missionary who devotes his entire life to others that they may know and love God?
A business man who fights against corruption though it costs him promotions?
A father who leads his family closer and deeper in their relationship with God?
A husband who is devoted, loyal, gentle, a leader?
I feel that God has now given me a mission. I have always wanted and prayed to be a good Christian example for my children, though I fail more often than I care to admit. But, now God has placed another life in my hands - one that He and I had to fight for.
There were many times during my pregnancy where I would have a bad day (i.e. little patience, negative/mean tone of voice, selfishness), and I would cry out to God, "Why did you allow me to get pregnant again? I fail too often, and I don't want to keep failing. I am not good enough to be a mother again." I would be in tears for fear that not only was I going to mess up the lives and hearts of Ella Beth and Landon, but now another life and another heart was going to be put in my hands that I would be responsible and accountable for. And it scared me.
It still scares me. But, the miracle of Porter's life is not meant to condemn me. No, God is Good. The miracle of Porter's life is meant to be a blessing to me as his mother and as a blessing to our family. My prayer is that my heart will be broken for my children, all three of them. That their hearts will be my first concern each morning and my last at night. Their greatness is up to God, but I pray that I will faithfully lead them and love them as the mother He has called me to be.
And I am overwhelmed with the goodness of God. I don't want to sound foolish, but I was brought to my knees this morning at the complete realization that God worked a miracle in my life. There are many who will tell you that miracles don't happen; life is full of coincidences, some of which turn out well. I am not one of those people. I have seen the works of God in my life, in Porter's life.
*Sometime in the beginning of August I became pregnant - on the pill.
*On September 13, 2011, my OB told Scott and me not to "get attached" to our pregnancy.
*A week later, we were given a 20% chance of a "viable pregnancy."
*A week later, a large hemorrhage formed on my uterus and I had a lot of bleeding for many weeks. During that time, my OB also told me that there was still a high chance of losing our baby because the hemorrhage was growing.
*At 18 weeks, we found out that Porter was a boy, but he was "measuring small."
*At 23 weeks, Porter was still measuring small, a new "accessory placenta" was growing, and my contractions started.
*At 26 weeks, I went to the hospital for the first time for pre-term labor.
*Again at 28 weeks.
*Again at 31 weeks.
*Again at 33 weeks, 3 days.
*Porter was born at 33 weeks, 4 days. Weighing 4 lb, 2 oz; barely on the growth chart at 1%.
His weight went down to 3 lb, 9 oz, and he spent 19 days in the NICU - on a ventilator, IV, PICC line, antibiotics, photo therapy, and feeding tube.
And yet, here I sit with this precious life breathing in and out, in and out, on my chest. Full of life in spite of all the odds. Full of life in spite of what science and doctors had to say from the very beginning. As I look at Porter, I wonder what God has in store for this tiny fella. Surely it must be good. I'm not talking about being the president, or discovering a new planet with life. No, much bigger than that. That Porter will be a man after God's own heart.
A missionary who devotes his entire life to others that they may know and love God?
A business man who fights against corruption though it costs him promotions?
A father who leads his family closer and deeper in their relationship with God?
A husband who is devoted, loyal, gentle, a leader?
I feel that God has now given me a mission. I have always wanted and prayed to be a good Christian example for my children, though I fail more often than I care to admit. But, now God has placed another life in my hands - one that He and I had to fight for.
There were many times during my pregnancy where I would have a bad day (i.e. little patience, negative/mean tone of voice, selfishness), and I would cry out to God, "Why did you allow me to get pregnant again? I fail too often, and I don't want to keep failing. I am not good enough to be a mother again." I would be in tears for fear that not only was I going to mess up the lives and hearts of Ella Beth and Landon, but now another life and another heart was going to be put in my hands that I would be responsible and accountable for. And it scared me.
It still scares me. But, the miracle of Porter's life is not meant to condemn me. No, God is Good. The miracle of Porter's life is meant to be a blessing to me as his mother and as a blessing to our family. My prayer is that my heart will be broken for my children, all three of them. That their hearts will be my first concern each morning and my last at night. Their greatness is up to God, but I pray that I will faithfully lead them and love them as the mother He has called me to be.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Multitudes on Monday
990. being HOME as a FAMILY after 19 long days
991. soft baby blankets
992. preemie clothes - they are so stinkin' tiny and cute
993. the sweet noises Porter makes while he's nursing
994. Porter smiling in his sleep
995. Ella Beth's love for her new baby brother
996. watching Landon hold Porter - I really thought he would be a little uninterested in Porter, and it's a nice surprise that he's not
997. Ella Beth and Landon's help when Mama's hands are full (usually with wet clothes AND a dirty diaper!)
998. surprises in the mail
999. fried chicken from Publix - it's been a very long time since I've had fried chicken. Yum!
1000. photo sessions at home
1001. tiny baby feet
1002. tiny baby hands
1003. friends who check in often
1004. the prayers sent up for Porter...who has proven to be quite the little miracle
991. soft baby blankets
992. preemie clothes - they are so stinkin' tiny and cute
993. the sweet noises Porter makes while he's nursing
994. Porter smiling in his sleep
995. Ella Beth's love for her new baby brother
996. watching Landon hold Porter - I really thought he would be a little uninterested in Porter, and it's a nice surprise that he's not
997. Ella Beth and Landon's help when Mama's hands are full (usually with wet clothes AND a dirty diaper!)
998. surprises in the mail
999. fried chicken from Publix - it's been a very long time since I've had fried chicken. Yum!
1000. photo sessions at home
1001. tiny baby feet
1002. tiny baby hands
1003. friends who check in often
1004. the prayers sent up for Porter...who has proven to be quite the little miracle
Psalm 9:1, "I will give thanks to you, LORD, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonderful deeds."
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