Have you ever had to give something up? Whether it be something big or small, giving things up can be rather difficult. Painful even.
I used to have the cleanest car of anyone I knew. I kept special dust cloths in my organized console to wipe down the entire dashboard twice a week. Trash in my car? No. Food? No way. I gave that up sometime around 5 years ago! Today after getting out of the car with three kiddos, I just sighed at the crumbs, dirt, and tiny pieces of paper all over the floorboard. Do I wish I still had a spotlessly clean car? Absolutely. But is it worth the fight? Absolutely not!
However, there is something else that I am having to give up these days. And I know I'm not the only one who has, or maybe who needs to? I am having to give up the time I spend on the computer and phone because I am finding that it is not the healthiest place for me to be. In this age of technology, it's so easy to get caught up in what everyone else is doing and comparing that to what I'm not doing. Or what I am doing - just doing "wrong."
Comparing ourselves to others is something that most (all?) women deal with. I think a lot of the pressure is what we put on ourselves.
As a mama, I want so badly to do things "right." But I can look just about anywhere and find someone else who seems to be doing it better, cooler, more fun, more right.
God really convicted me the other night with that simple word: seems. It's all in what *I* assume is better.
God has spoken very clearly to my heart lately about simply focusing on my own family and what we are doing. I don't need to look other places for ideas of what makes a happy home or to be convicted if I'm not doing a good job. The Lord has given me my children and has made me their mama. We can come up with our own ideas of what to do as a family instead of trying to live out someone else's. And I have also come to know that the Lord will convict my heart if something is amiss; I don't need to feel guilty or that I'm not good enough based on what others are or are not doing. He will gently bring into focus areas that truly need attention.
So for me, I am having to really limit the time I spend blog surfing or on Facebook. I am redirecting that energy to pouring into the family that I have, rather than the one I think I need to re-create.
I came upon this quote just the other day:
When one consistently chooses cyberspace over holy space — life becomes a hollow place.
Coincidence? I think not...and I am letting this thought, this Holy conviction, sink into my heart so that I can be the mama God has called me to be for my children and my family.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Multitudes on Monday
1016. Newborn stretches and grunts
1017. Quiet moments of prayer throughout the day when quiet times are rare
1018. The mercy of God
1019. Hearing Ella Beth tell what she has learned about salvation at church and knowing that her heart is so close to truly understanding it
1020. That Landon's eye injury was not a millimeter closer or serious damage could have been done to his vision and/or eye
1021. Cameras to capture sweet family memories forever
1022. Cotton-waisted pants while still recovering from a horrible c-section experience
1023. Taking my first walk with Porter in the stroller
1024. Ella Beth's mama-heart that wants to take care of Porter
1025. Landon's most tender kisses on Porter's tiny head
1026. Heart to heart talks with Scott - even if they involve a newborn burp, diaper change, and sibling interruptions
1027. The way Porter has already started holding my hair while he's nursing
1028. God's new mercies each morning - whether it was leaving the NICU or now getting out of bed each morning to tend to the children He has blessed me with.
1017. Quiet moments of prayer throughout the day when quiet times are rare
1018. The mercy of God
1019. Hearing Ella Beth tell what she has learned about salvation at church and knowing that her heart is so close to truly understanding it
1020. That Landon's eye injury was not a millimeter closer or serious damage could have been done to his vision and/or eye
1021. Cameras to capture sweet family memories forever
1022. Cotton-waisted pants while still recovering from a horrible c-section experience
1023. Taking my first walk with Porter in the stroller
1024. Ella Beth's mama-heart that wants to take care of Porter
1025. Landon's most tender kisses on Porter's tiny head
1026. Heart to heart talks with Scott - even if they involve a newborn burp, diaper change, and sibling interruptions
1027. The way Porter has already started holding my hair while he's nursing
1028. God's new mercies each morning - whether it was leaving the NICU or now getting out of bed each morning to tend to the children He has blessed me with.
Psalm 106:1 "Give thanks to the Lord for He is good; His love endures forever."
Thursday, April 26, 2012
One Month
I simply Can. Not. Believe. that Porter is a month old. It seems like he just arrived. I guess, in a sense, he did just arrive at home so that makes it seem hard to believe that he's really been with us for a month. And what a month it has been! God has been so faithful to our family during this month to bring us out stronger and more content than ever. I honestly have never enjoyed being home more than I have these last few days - just having us all together. It has not only been an answered prayer, but it has been the most special blessing of my life.
I remember asking one of the NICU nurses about a week in to Porter's stay, "Are we out of the woods?" and she replied, "Not yet." To be faced with that (all of the anxieties and stress that go with it), and now to be at home healthy and all together - there are no words.
It's still amazing to me that Porter is not even "supposed" to be here yet. He's still got another two weeks before his official due date. But here he is, almost 5 weeks old!
When I found out I was pregnant with Landon I remember weeping - I mean weeping - thinking that there was no way I could ever love another child as much as I loved Ella Beth. Boy was I an inexperienced mama! Love does not divide within your heart when you have more children. No, it multiplies beyond measure to encompass all of them. I love this tiny fella so much, and his place in our family is simply perfect. Surrounded by love...and LOTS of attention. :)
When Porter was still in the NICU and Ella Beth wanted to know how big he was, I told him that he was smaller than "Laney" (her Bitty Baby doll). Here at a month, he's still smaller - almost caught up in length, but no where close in torso or legs!
Speaking of legs...he's got some pretty long bird legs. ;) I tried everything I could to get him to turn his little head to face the camera, but he was not cooperating. Apparently I should have moved Landon's snack cup to the other side of his blanket!
If Ella Beth was allowed to hold Porter as often as she wanted, this would be the scene in our house all of the time. L-O-V-E it! All three of my babies just hanging out together. :)
Porter's favorite napping spot.
Mama's favorite shirt. :)
Tired and un-showered Mama with her tiniest love. :)
Porter at 1 month weighs 5 lbs, 8.5 oz.
(Not on the growth chart, but following his own curve consistently. Right now his personality is laid back like Landon's was as a newborn and his metabolism - and dreadful reflux - are just like Ella Beth's were as a newborn.)
I remember asking one of the NICU nurses about a week in to Porter's stay, "Are we out of the woods?" and she replied, "Not yet." To be faced with that (all of the anxieties and stress that go with it), and now to be at home healthy and all together - there are no words.
It's still amazing to me that Porter is not even "supposed" to be here yet. He's still got another two weeks before his official due date. But here he is, almost 5 weeks old!
When I found out I was pregnant with Landon I remember weeping - I mean weeping - thinking that there was no way I could ever love another child as much as I loved Ella Beth. Boy was I an inexperienced mama! Love does not divide within your heart when you have more children. No, it multiplies beyond measure to encompass all of them. I love this tiny fella so much, and his place in our family is simply perfect. Surrounded by love...and LOTS of attention. :)
When Porter was still in the NICU and Ella Beth wanted to know how big he was, I told him that he was smaller than "Laney" (her Bitty Baby doll). Here at a month, he's still smaller - almost caught up in length, but no where close in torso or legs!
Speaking of legs...he's got some pretty long bird legs. ;) I tried everything I could to get him to turn his little head to face the camera, but he was not cooperating. Apparently I should have moved Landon's snack cup to the other side of his blanket!
If Ella Beth was allowed to hold Porter as often as she wanted, this would be the scene in our house all of the time. L-O-V-E it! All three of my babies just hanging out together. :)
Porter's favorite napping spot.
Tired and un-showered Mama with her tiniest love. :)
Porter at 1 month weighs 5 lbs, 8.5 oz.
(Not on the growth chart, but following his own curve consistently. Right now his personality is laid back like Landon's was as a newborn and his metabolism - and dreadful reflux - are just like Ella Beth's were as a newborn.)
Monday, April 23, 2012
Multitudes on Monday
1005. sweet smelling baby lotion
1006. a naked baby boy
1007. a naked, wet baby boy
1008. being able to comfort my tiny fella like no one else can
1009. conversations with Ella Beth
1010. glow in the dark princess puzzles
1011. folding laundry for all three kiddos and being thankful for all that God provides
1012. tasty recipes from friends that are easy to recreate
1013. beautiful cut flowers in the bathroom
1014. bouncing ideas off of other homeschooling mamas
1015. lazy, unhurried days
1006. a naked baby boy
1007. a naked, wet baby boy
1008. being able to comfort my tiny fella like no one else can
1009. conversations with Ella Beth
1010. glow in the dark princess puzzles
1011. folding laundry for all three kiddos and being thankful for all that God provides
1012. tasty recipes from friends that are easy to recreate
1013. beautiful cut flowers in the bathroom
1014. bouncing ideas off of other homeschooling mamas
1015. lazy, unhurried days
Psalm 118:19, "Open for me the gates of the righteous; I will enter and give thanks to the LORD."
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Week 1 at home
Our first week home with Porter has gone pretty well. Of course I'm quite sleep deprived (and have been for what feels like forever after spending continuous days and nights in the NICU), but for the most part things are going well. The kiddos are still in love with their new little brother...Ella Beth a little overly so at times. ;) They are big helpers when I ask them to hand me a diaper, gas drops, burp cloth, etc.
As with the older two, Porter has the dreaded reflux. But, lucky for us (I guess???) this seasoned Mama knows all of the signs so we have been through Zantac and have now moved on to Prevacid. Porter also has a milk protein allergy - aka, Mama can't eat anything. I'm starving all of the time b/c if it's not absolutely fresh (meat, veggies, fruit, nuts) then I can't eat it. I am astonished at all of the foods that milk/whey are in. This may end up being a very successful diet, but it ain't gonna be enjoyable!
OK, on with pictures. They are heavy on the tiny fella side, but goodness knows I have an over abundant supply of pics of his big sister and big brother. ;)
After a major spit up episode, Porter wanted to immediately nurse. He fell asleep before I could put clothes back on him. But I don't mind b/c I love naked babies. :)
Luckily for us, our dear friend Joanna loaned us this swing. It gets a lot of use since Porter needs to be held upright after his feedings. Otherwise things get messy. Very messy.
But there are times when he successfully naps in his bed. Ahhh, the peaceful slumber of a newborn baby.
This just made me laugh. :) Ella Beth and Landon were playing nearby, but Porter didn't seem to mind.
Oh, look. Here are those big siblings. We have tried getting into a new routine. Of course it is frequently interrupted by a tiny baby brother, but at least we are trying. (And note...getting back on track with school has proven to be a bit of a struggle. But, we are trying. And I'm trying not to give up.)
You'd think I posed this picture, but I didn't.
The aforementioned swing. Porter is in there somewhere! Now, I promise I fixed his hat as soon as I was done snapping a picture.
And my favorite picture from week 1. Not because of it's photo quality (obviously), but this picture shows just how tiny Porter is. I keep telling Scott that I think Porter is getting bigger. Apparently it's because I'm with him all day because this picture shows that he's still just as tiny as last week. ;)
Praying for patience about every 30 minutes, but enjoying being at home with all three kiddos together. It ain't easy, it ain't always pretty, I don't always get a shower, but it's life and it's family - and I love it!
As with the older two, Porter has the dreaded reflux. But, lucky for us (I guess???) this seasoned Mama knows all of the signs so we have been through Zantac and have now moved on to Prevacid. Porter also has a milk protein allergy - aka, Mama can't eat anything. I'm starving all of the time b/c if it's not absolutely fresh (meat, veggies, fruit, nuts) then I can't eat it. I am astonished at all of the foods that milk/whey are in. This may end up being a very successful diet, but it ain't gonna be enjoyable!
OK, on with pictures. They are heavy on the tiny fella side, but goodness knows I have an over abundant supply of pics of his big sister and big brother. ;)
After a major spit up episode, Porter wanted to immediately nurse. He fell asleep before I could put clothes back on him. But I don't mind b/c I love naked babies. :)
Luckily for us, our dear friend Joanna loaned us this swing. It gets a lot of use since Porter needs to be held upright after his feedings. Otherwise things get messy. Very messy.
But there are times when he successfully naps in his bed. Ahhh, the peaceful slumber of a newborn baby.
This just made me laugh. :) Ella Beth and Landon were playing nearby, but Porter didn't seem to mind.
Oh, look. Here are those big siblings. We have tried getting into a new routine. Of course it is frequently interrupted by a tiny baby brother, but at least we are trying. (And note...getting back on track with school has proven to be a bit of a struggle. But, we are trying. And I'm trying not to give up.)
You'd think I posed this picture, but I didn't.
The aforementioned swing. Porter is in there somewhere! Now, I promise I fixed his hat as soon as I was done snapping a picture.
And my favorite picture from week 1. Not because of it's photo quality (obviously), but this picture shows just how tiny Porter is. I keep telling Scott that I think Porter is getting bigger. Apparently it's because I'm with him all day because this picture shows that he's still just as tiny as last week. ;)
Praying for patience about every 30 minutes, but enjoying being at home with all three kiddos together. It ain't easy, it ain't always pretty, I don't always get a shower, but it's life and it's family - and I love it!
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
A miracle
As I sit here going into the third hour with Porter sleeping on my chest, I am overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed with the love that has again multiplied in my heart to surround my third child. Overwhelmed that this tiny fella was just inside of my womb, and now he's here breathing on my chest.
And I am overwhelmed with the goodness of God. I don't want to sound foolish, but I was brought to my knees this morning at the complete realization that God worked a miracle in my life. There are many who will tell you that miracles don't happen; life is full of coincidences, some of which turn out well. I am not one of those people. I have seen the works of God in my life, in Porter's life.
*Sometime in the beginning of August I became pregnant - on the pill.
*On September 13, 2011, my OB told Scott and me not to "get attached" to our pregnancy.
*A week later, we were given a 20% chance of a "viable pregnancy."
*A week later, a large hemorrhage formed on my uterus and I had a lot of bleeding for many weeks. During that time, my OB also told me that there was still a high chance of losing our baby because the hemorrhage was growing.
*At 18 weeks, we found out that Porter was a boy, but he was "measuring small."
*At 23 weeks, Porter was still measuring small, a new "accessory placenta" was growing, and my contractions started.
*At 26 weeks, I went to the hospital for the first time for pre-term labor.
*Again at 28 weeks.
*Again at 31 weeks.
*Again at 33 weeks, 3 days.
*Porter was born at 33 weeks, 4 days. Weighing 4 lb, 2 oz; barely on the growth chart at 1%.
His weight went down to 3 lb, 9 oz, and he spent 19 days in the NICU - on a ventilator, IV, PICC line, antibiotics, photo therapy, and feeding tube.
And yet, here I sit with this precious life breathing in and out, in and out, on my chest. Full of life in spite of all the odds. Full of life in spite of what science and doctors had to say from the very beginning. As I look at Porter, I wonder what God has in store for this tiny fella. Surely it must be good. I'm not talking about being the president, or discovering a new planet with life. No, much bigger than that. That Porter will be a man after God's own heart.
A missionary who devotes his entire life to others that they may know and love God?
A business man who fights against corruption though it costs him promotions?
A father who leads his family closer and deeper in their relationship with God?
A husband who is devoted, loyal, gentle, a leader?
I feel that God has now given me a mission. I have always wanted and prayed to be a good Christian example for my children, though I fail more often than I care to admit. But, now God has placed another life in my hands - one that He and I had to fight for.
There were many times during my pregnancy where I would have a bad day (i.e. little patience, negative/mean tone of voice, selfishness), and I would cry out to God, "Why did you allow me to get pregnant again? I fail too often, and I don't want to keep failing. I am not good enough to be a mother again." I would be in tears for fear that not only was I going to mess up the lives and hearts of Ella Beth and Landon, but now another life and another heart was going to be put in my hands that I would be responsible and accountable for. And it scared me.
It still scares me. But, the miracle of Porter's life is not meant to condemn me. No, God is Good. The miracle of Porter's life is meant to be a blessing to me as his mother and as a blessing to our family. My prayer is that my heart will be broken for my children, all three of them. That their hearts will be my first concern each morning and my last at night. Their greatness is up to God, but I pray that I will faithfully lead them and love them as the mother He has called me to be.
And I am overwhelmed with the goodness of God. I don't want to sound foolish, but I was brought to my knees this morning at the complete realization that God worked a miracle in my life. There are many who will tell you that miracles don't happen; life is full of coincidences, some of which turn out well. I am not one of those people. I have seen the works of God in my life, in Porter's life.
*Sometime in the beginning of August I became pregnant - on the pill.
*On September 13, 2011, my OB told Scott and me not to "get attached" to our pregnancy.
*A week later, we were given a 20% chance of a "viable pregnancy."
*A week later, a large hemorrhage formed on my uterus and I had a lot of bleeding for many weeks. During that time, my OB also told me that there was still a high chance of losing our baby because the hemorrhage was growing.
*At 18 weeks, we found out that Porter was a boy, but he was "measuring small."
*At 23 weeks, Porter was still measuring small, a new "accessory placenta" was growing, and my contractions started.
*At 26 weeks, I went to the hospital for the first time for pre-term labor.
*Again at 28 weeks.
*Again at 31 weeks.
*Again at 33 weeks, 3 days.
*Porter was born at 33 weeks, 4 days. Weighing 4 lb, 2 oz; barely on the growth chart at 1%.
His weight went down to 3 lb, 9 oz, and he spent 19 days in the NICU - on a ventilator, IV, PICC line, antibiotics, photo therapy, and feeding tube.
And yet, here I sit with this precious life breathing in and out, in and out, on my chest. Full of life in spite of all the odds. Full of life in spite of what science and doctors had to say from the very beginning. As I look at Porter, I wonder what God has in store for this tiny fella. Surely it must be good. I'm not talking about being the president, or discovering a new planet with life. No, much bigger than that. That Porter will be a man after God's own heart.
A missionary who devotes his entire life to others that they may know and love God?
A business man who fights against corruption though it costs him promotions?
A father who leads his family closer and deeper in their relationship with God?
A husband who is devoted, loyal, gentle, a leader?
I feel that God has now given me a mission. I have always wanted and prayed to be a good Christian example for my children, though I fail more often than I care to admit. But, now God has placed another life in my hands - one that He and I had to fight for.
There were many times during my pregnancy where I would have a bad day (i.e. little patience, negative/mean tone of voice, selfishness), and I would cry out to God, "Why did you allow me to get pregnant again? I fail too often, and I don't want to keep failing. I am not good enough to be a mother again." I would be in tears for fear that not only was I going to mess up the lives and hearts of Ella Beth and Landon, but now another life and another heart was going to be put in my hands that I would be responsible and accountable for. And it scared me.
It still scares me. But, the miracle of Porter's life is not meant to condemn me. No, God is Good. The miracle of Porter's life is meant to be a blessing to me as his mother and as a blessing to our family. My prayer is that my heart will be broken for my children, all three of them. That their hearts will be my first concern each morning and my last at night. Their greatness is up to God, but I pray that I will faithfully lead them and love them as the mother He has called me to be.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Multitudes on Monday
990. being HOME as a FAMILY after 19 long days
991. soft baby blankets
992. preemie clothes - they are so stinkin' tiny and cute
993. the sweet noises Porter makes while he's nursing
994. Porter smiling in his sleep
995. Ella Beth's love for her new baby brother
996. watching Landon hold Porter - I really thought he would be a little uninterested in Porter, and it's a nice surprise that he's not
997. Ella Beth and Landon's help when Mama's hands are full (usually with wet clothes AND a dirty diaper!)
998. surprises in the mail
999. fried chicken from Publix - it's been a very long time since I've had fried chicken. Yum!
1000. photo sessions at home
1001. tiny baby feet
1002. tiny baby hands
1003. friends who check in often
1004. the prayers sent up for Porter...who has proven to be quite the little miracle
991. soft baby blankets
992. preemie clothes - they are so stinkin' tiny and cute
993. the sweet noises Porter makes while he's nursing
994. Porter smiling in his sleep
995. Ella Beth's love for her new baby brother
996. watching Landon hold Porter - I really thought he would be a little uninterested in Porter, and it's a nice surprise that he's not
997. Ella Beth and Landon's help when Mama's hands are full (usually with wet clothes AND a dirty diaper!)
998. surprises in the mail
999. fried chicken from Publix - it's been a very long time since I've had fried chicken. Yum!
1000. photo sessions at home
1001. tiny baby feet
1002. tiny baby hands
1003. friends who check in often
1004. the prayers sent up for Porter...who has proven to be quite the little miracle
Psalm 9:1, "I will give thanks to you, LORD, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonderful deeds."
Saturday, April 14, 2012
The boys
Porter - 3 weeks old in these pictures, 4 lb and 12 oz
Landon - 3 days old in these pictures, 5 lb and 9 oz
Landon - 3 days old in these pictures, 5 lb and 9 oz
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Home
We are home. We are all together.
And the Big Sister and Big Brother couldn't be more proud. And this Mama couldn't be happier. :)
Porter seems pretty content with being home, too. :)
God has been so good, so faithful.
And we are thankful.
And the Big Sister and Big Brother couldn't be more proud. And this Mama couldn't be happier. :)
Porter seems pretty content with being home, too. :)
God has been so good, so faithful.
And we are thankful.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Round Three, part 4
Sometimes life is just plain hard. And there's no way around it.
Just 7 days after being discharged from my c-section, I am alone with two rambunctious kiddos. And everything that could go wrong, does.
Scott ran me to the hospital this morning so that I could drop off my milk for Porter. We came home and Scott had literally just walked out the door for work when I realized I didn't have any more storage bottles for my breast milk. The NICU is very strict about how breast milk is handled and they require moms to use fresh storage bottles each time we pump. We are not allowed to reuse them, so when I realized I didn't have any more there was only one thing to do. I had to drive myself to the hospital with the kiddos in tow. I'm not supposed to be driving. I called my neighbor, but her kiddos were napping. I called a couple of other friends who were either unavailable at the time or the call went to voice mail. I had less than two hours until my next pumping session, so driving was inevitable.
Both Ella Beth and Landon are completely on edge right now. Telling them to load back up into the car was like telling them they could never have dessert again. Not to mention the slightest correction from me and they are a mess of tears. I wish their little hearts could have been protected from so much during the last 12 weeks of this crazy year, but this is a fallen world and sometimes life is just plain hard. Even for our children. They have missed the normalcy of life; the ease of being 5 and 4. Homeschooling on a routine schedule, field trips every week or so, playing outside on beautiful days, having Mama home all of the time. But life hasn't been routine or normal here for quite some time. And they still haven't met their baby brother who they pray for every day. I know it's hard on them.
It's hard on me.
Every day for the last 10 days I have been without my youngest son. I didn't get to see him for more than 12 hours after he was born, and every day since I have had to leave the NICU without him. In my post-partum room I could hear other babies crying in their mothers' rooms, only to be picked up and comforted. Those mamas gave birth and got to be with their babies right away. It's unfair to be separated from my tiny baby that I just brought into this world. No matter how "prepared" I was for our NICU stay from over two months of preterm labor, it is almost unbearable. Sometimes I don't know where the strength comes from for me to stand up and keep going; nothing is easy emotionally or physically.
The pain of healing from a c-section is rough, but add on top of that going back and forth to the hospital on a daily basis, caring for two emotionally strung out kiddos, and pumping every 3 hours around the clock...and the pain just adds up. I know I should be doing less and resting more, I just don't know how to work either of those into my life right now. When I am home, I have two needy children who want to be by my side every single minute. They want to "help" with everything, they want me to play, get them food and drinks, go outside; they get sad when I can't do it all, and they don't understand why. Ella Beth often says, "I wish it was like before when your belly didn't hurt and you could play with me." :( When I am at the hospital, there is a tiny little fella who needs his Mama. Or is it his Mama that needs him? Alarms and monitors are always going off, sweet nurses are coming in and out, I am pumping or nursing (or both) every 3 hours around the clock there, too. I don't know how to fit resting and healing into my days. And it hurts.
Tonight I had to give the kiddos a bath on my own. I got them in the tub with just the right amount of water and bubbles. It was time to pump, yet again, so I left them alone for all of 10 minutes. Now usually there will be a little water on the side of the tub from innocent playing, but not tonight. No, tonight there was a huge mess. Landon went to the potty before he got in the tub, but his little bladder decided he needed to go again. So he peed in a play cup. Instead of just leaving it until Mama came, he and Ella Beth decided to pour it into the potty. Well, they missed. I walked in to find a huge puddle of pee all over the floor next to and behind the toilet. Unfortunately for me, a puddle of pee is not something that can just sit until Daddy is home to clean it up. And letting the kiddos clean it up just wasn't an option. So here I am on all fours cleaning up pee all around the toilet. I am having to stretch and reach, and I can just feel my incision screaming at me. I am fighting off tears as much as possible because I have two overly sensitive kiddos watching my every move.
I want to scream at them for making me have to do this. I want to curl up into a ball and just cry over the pain and frustration that I feel. I want to shake my fists and just get mad.
But what's the point? Sometimes life is just plain hard.
And it is at times like these when I can do nothing more than cry out to God for mercy. To let Him know that I have reached my limit. At least for today. Tomorrow will bring its own set of trials, but I can't think of those tonight. Tonight, I just have to choose to believe that God is molding me with fire. Fire is hot, and it's unrelenting. But in the end it can produce great things, great outcomes. So I make up my mind over and over and over again to trust that God knows what He's doing.
"When you can't see God's hand, trust His heart."
Just 7 days after being discharged from my c-section, I am alone with two rambunctious kiddos. And everything that could go wrong, does.
Scott ran me to the hospital this morning so that I could drop off my milk for Porter. We came home and Scott had literally just walked out the door for work when I realized I didn't have any more storage bottles for my breast milk. The NICU is very strict about how breast milk is handled and they require moms to use fresh storage bottles each time we pump. We are not allowed to reuse them, so when I realized I didn't have any more there was only one thing to do. I had to drive myself to the hospital with the kiddos in tow. I'm not supposed to be driving. I called my neighbor, but her kiddos were napping. I called a couple of other friends who were either unavailable at the time or the call went to voice mail. I had less than two hours until my next pumping session, so driving was inevitable.
Both Ella Beth and Landon are completely on edge right now. Telling them to load back up into the car was like telling them they could never have dessert again. Not to mention the slightest correction from me and they are a mess of tears. I wish their little hearts could have been protected from so much during the last 12 weeks of this crazy year, but this is a fallen world and sometimes life is just plain hard. Even for our children. They have missed the normalcy of life; the ease of being 5 and 4. Homeschooling on a routine schedule, field trips every week or so, playing outside on beautiful days, having Mama home all of the time. But life hasn't been routine or normal here for quite some time. And they still haven't met their baby brother who they pray for every day. I know it's hard on them.
It's hard on me.
Every day for the last 10 days I have been without my youngest son. I didn't get to see him for more than 12 hours after he was born, and every day since I have had to leave the NICU without him. In my post-partum room I could hear other babies crying in their mothers' rooms, only to be picked up and comforted. Those mamas gave birth and got to be with their babies right away. It's unfair to be separated from my tiny baby that I just brought into this world. No matter how "prepared" I was for our NICU stay from over two months of preterm labor, it is almost unbearable. Sometimes I don't know where the strength comes from for me to stand up and keep going; nothing is easy emotionally or physically.
The pain of healing from a c-section is rough, but add on top of that going back and forth to the hospital on a daily basis, caring for two emotionally strung out kiddos, and pumping every 3 hours around the clock...and the pain just adds up. I know I should be doing less and resting more, I just don't know how to work either of those into my life right now. When I am home, I have two needy children who want to be by my side every single minute. They want to "help" with everything, they want me to play, get them food and drinks, go outside; they get sad when I can't do it all, and they don't understand why. Ella Beth often says, "I wish it was like before when your belly didn't hurt and you could play with me." :( When I am at the hospital, there is a tiny little fella who needs his Mama. Or is it his Mama that needs him? Alarms and monitors are always going off, sweet nurses are coming in and out, I am pumping or nursing (or both) every 3 hours around the clock there, too. I don't know how to fit resting and healing into my days. And it hurts.
Tonight I had to give the kiddos a bath on my own. I got them in the tub with just the right amount of water and bubbles. It was time to pump, yet again, so I left them alone for all of 10 minutes. Now usually there will be a little water on the side of the tub from innocent playing, but not tonight. No, tonight there was a huge mess. Landon went to the potty before he got in the tub, but his little bladder decided he needed to go again. So he peed in a play cup. Instead of just leaving it until Mama came, he and Ella Beth decided to pour it into the potty. Well, they missed. I walked in to find a huge puddle of pee all over the floor next to and behind the toilet. Unfortunately for me, a puddle of pee is not something that can just sit until Daddy is home to clean it up. And letting the kiddos clean it up just wasn't an option. So here I am on all fours cleaning up pee all around the toilet. I am having to stretch and reach, and I can just feel my incision screaming at me. I am fighting off tears as much as possible because I have two overly sensitive kiddos watching my every move.
I want to scream at them for making me have to do this. I want to curl up into a ball and just cry over the pain and frustration that I feel. I want to shake my fists and just get mad.
But what's the point? Sometimes life is just plain hard.
And it is at times like these when I can do nothing more than cry out to God for mercy. To let Him know that I have reached my limit. At least for today. Tomorrow will bring its own set of trials, but I can't think of those tonight. Tonight, I just have to choose to believe that God is molding me with fire. Fire is hot, and it's unrelenting. But in the end it can produce great things, great outcomes. So I make up my mind over and over and over again to trust that God knows what He's doing.
"When you can't see God's hand, trust His heart."
Our Tiny Fella
Most of the pictures that I post with updates on Facebook don't do any justice to Porter's tiny size. I am almost always holding him in my arms while I'm with him at the hospital, so all of the pictures I snap with my iPhone are very close up.
But, yesterday, I took my "real camera" and took some pictures. I want to always remember how tiny my littlest fella was, because I know he will grow up and it will be hard to remember just how ity bity Porter ever was.
Here is Porter in his very first outfit. It's a preemie sleeper, and he's just a swimmin' in it. ;)
A very tired Mama and Porter. :) He has the skinniest little arms!
Now, I have very small hands. My hand is about 6 inches from the tip of my middle finger to the heel of my palm. Porter's shoulders and body are only about 4 inches wide. And you can see that Porter's tiny arm is barely bigger than my finger!
Here is Porter's hospital crib. He is swaddled in two blankets in these pictures, and his little feet are only about 2/3 of the way down. It really is amazing that Porter is 18 1/2 inches long - most preemies at 33/34 weeks are somewhere between 15-16 inches long. His length makes him SO SKINNY. I'll have to get some pictures of him in a onesie b/c it's just too cute. :)
Any picture of Porter and Scott's hand really put into perspective just how tiny Porter is. Scott's hand literally swallows Porter's body, even here swaddled in two blankets.
Two of my favorite pictures. You can see in this picture that Scott's long and lean fingers really are bigger than Porter's tiny arms. Porter's hand is too small to even make it all the way around Scott's finger!
A smile from our happy tiny fella. :) We are all in LOVE with Porter Lane, and we are praying without ceasing that he will be home with us very soon!
But, yesterday, I took my "real camera" and took some pictures. I want to always remember how tiny my littlest fella was, because I know he will grow up and it will be hard to remember just how ity bity Porter ever was.
Here is Porter in his very first outfit. It's a preemie sleeper, and he's just a swimmin' in it. ;)
A very tired Mama and Porter. :) He has the skinniest little arms!
Now, I have very small hands. My hand is about 6 inches from the tip of my middle finger to the heel of my palm. Porter's shoulders and body are only about 4 inches wide. And you can see that Porter's tiny arm is barely bigger than my finger!
Here is Porter's hospital crib. He is swaddled in two blankets in these pictures, and his little feet are only about 2/3 of the way down. It really is amazing that Porter is 18 1/2 inches long - most preemies at 33/34 weeks are somewhere between 15-16 inches long. His length makes him SO SKINNY. I'll have to get some pictures of him in a onesie b/c it's just too cute. :)
Any picture of Porter and Scott's hand really put into perspective just how tiny Porter is. Scott's hand literally swallows Porter's body, even here swaddled in two blankets.
Look at Porter's beautiful head! I just love it - it's so perfectly perfect. :)
Two of my favorite pictures. You can see in this picture that Scott's long and lean fingers really are bigger than Porter's tiny arms. Porter's hand is too small to even make it all the way around Scott's finger!
A smile from our happy tiny fella. :) We are all in LOVE with Porter Lane, and we are praying without ceasing that he will be home with us very soon!
Monday, April 2, 2012
Multitudes on Monday
971. Porter's arrival!
972. holding Porter in my arms
973. nursing Porter
974. watching how Porter responds to Scott's voice and mine
975. that Porter does not have any other health issues or problems from being premature
976. that NICU nurses are so doting on my little fella when I can't be here
977. the strength that Ella Beth has shown during this huge trial for our family
978. the continuing anticipation of Ella Beth and Landon finally meeting their little brother
979. friends and family who pray without ceasing for Porter's health and strength
980. friends and family who pray without ceasing for this Mama's strength and sanity
981. sunshine and warm days that the kiddos can get outside and be distracted from all that's going on
982. watching the kiddos playing baseball in the backyard with Scott - Ella Beth thinks every hit she gets is a homerun and loves to run the bases :)
983. meals that I don't have to cook
984. Porter's beautiful head - one positive of having a c-section
985. another Toe-Head to join the family
986. how much Porter looks like Landon did when he was born
987. Porter got Mama's dimples :)
988. my mom being here to hang out with and spoil Ella Beth and Landon
989. singing, "Lord, I need you; oh I need you. Every hour I need you. My one defense, my righteousness - Oh, God, how I need you. When I can not stand, I fall on You. Jesus, You're my Hope and Stay." Knowing that He is always here with me. Even when I can't feel it, I still trust it.
2 Corinthians 9:15, "Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift!"
972. holding Porter in my arms
973. nursing Porter
974. watching how Porter responds to Scott's voice and mine
975. that Porter does not have any other health issues or problems from being premature
976. that NICU nurses are so doting on my little fella when I can't be here
977. the strength that Ella Beth has shown during this huge trial for our family
978. the continuing anticipation of Ella Beth and Landon finally meeting their little brother
979. friends and family who pray without ceasing for Porter's health and strength
980. friends and family who pray without ceasing for this Mama's strength and sanity
981. sunshine and warm days that the kiddos can get outside and be distracted from all that's going on
982. watching the kiddos playing baseball in the backyard with Scott - Ella Beth thinks every hit she gets is a homerun and loves to run the bases :)
983. meals that I don't have to cook
984. Porter's beautiful head - one positive of having a c-section
985. another Toe-Head to join the family
986. how much Porter looks like Landon did when he was born
987. Porter got Mama's dimples :)
988. my mom being here to hang out with and spoil Ella Beth and Landon
989. singing, "Lord, I need you; oh I need you. Every hour I need you. My one defense, my righteousness - Oh, God, how I need you. When I can not stand, I fall on You. Jesus, You're my Hope and Stay." Knowing that He is always here with me. Even when I can't feel it, I still trust it.
2 Corinthians 9:15, "Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift!"
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