Thankful Prayers

My devotion this morning took me by surprise. I love when that happens. When words that I have read before are read with fresh eyes and an open heart. How I can open the Bible to a verse that has already been underlined, yet it jumps off the page to me in a different way than before.

Colossians 4:2, "Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful."

The Lord wants us to bring our hearts and our requests to Him. We shouldn't feel selfish or silly to ask God for things because the Bible tells us to make our requests known to God (Phil. 4:6). He has always invited us to speak candidly to Him; to be honest and "real." We don't have to come before Him will rituals or certain words/phrases to speak to Him. He already knows our hearts, and all He wants is for us to share them with Him.

But Colossians 4:2 tells us to watch and be thankful. God wants us to thank Him for the answers that He will bring long before we ever see any proof. To thank Him with our faithfulness of knowing that He will respond. Wow, that's a game changer.

So often I just keep praying the same prayer over and over because I have had the "Devote yourself to prayer" down pat. But what God wants is me to trust in Him that He is good; that He will provide. I can go ahead and thank Him because of my faith that the answers are on the way.

To keep praying over and over for the same things is almost like doubting that He heard me the first, second, or fiftieth time. But to Thank Him over and over is to trust Him.

I love this. I love so deeply how good and loving our Father is, and how we can be our complete faith in Him.

the Best is yet to come

My heart has been so heavy this week with unspeakable loss and tragedy. It's so easy to ask "Why, God?" in the midst of it all, but that question won't be answered in this life. We don't understand - can't understand - but that's not really our task. Our task is to live in trust and allow His Glory through our messy lives.

I am reading the book Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb. Actually, I am reading it and re-reading it at the same time. It has been such a profound book for me and "where I've been" that I find that I can't read it like a typical book. I have read each chapter at least 3 times, and I am only on Chapter 8. Basically, the book is based on the idea that:

"Shattered dreams are never random. They are always a piece in a larger puzzle, a chapter in a larger story. The Holy Spirit uses the pain of shattered dreams to help us discover our desire for God, to help us begin dreaming the highest dream. They are ordained opportunities for the Spirit first to awaken, then to satisfy our highest dream."

Chapter One is titled, "My Problem With God." I knew that I was going to find this book enlightening just by that title. You see, I have had my fair share of "problems with God." Call me a brat (and it's OK if you do...nicely please...because I have called myself one before) - but in the past I've really been fed up with God because I simply haven't gotten my way.

Wow. Talk about cold reality.

I haven't been getting my way. And I've been bitter about it. You see, in my worldly opinion there's nothing wrong with My Way.

As Crabb asks, "How do we trust a sometimes disappointing, seemingly fickle God who fails to do for us what good friends, if they could, would do?"

And then he answers.

"The problem sincere Christians have with God often comes down to a wrong understanding of what this life is meant to provide. We naturally and wrongly assume we're here to experience something God has never promised...Both good hopes and best hopes are guaranteed in heaven. But fulfillment of the best hopes is not yet promised in this life."

 

The highest dream we can ever experience is being in the presence of God. We will not suffer in heaven; there will be no loss. Every imaginable dream will come true.

But this life is not meant to provide the fulfillment of the highest dream. This life is meant to "stir an appetite for a higher purpose -- the better hope of knowing God well enough to love Him above everything else...and trusting Him no matter what happens."

Trusting God above our shattered dreams.

Trusting God when we don't get our way.

Trusting God through overwhelming circumstances and loss.

Trusting God even when He seems so distant we wonder if He even cares.

It's hard.

For many of us, we have wrongly equated God blessing us with God loving us. If God gives us what we want, He must love us. If God refuses to grant our requests, He must be with-holding His love from us.

But, we couldn't be more wrong.

God doesn't want us to settle for Good when He can only provide what's Best.

 

Shattered dreams open the door to this Best Dream, a dream that we do not properly understand until those "good dreams" are destroyed.

My good dreams have been destroyed. Over and over again.

Destruction of dreams is painful. It has been tear-wrenching, fist-waving, fightin' word screaming, door slamming (me, not God) - hard.

But suffering in this world still has a purpose. It's often long; it's hard; it's trying and frustrating. But it can also bring us to the place where we no longer want to settle.

To no longer demand what's good, but to desire what's best.

Crabb envisions Jesus speaking to us in the Garden of Gethsemane saying,

"Some of your fondest dreams will shatter, and you will be tempted to lose hope. I will seem to you callous or, worse, weak -- unresponsive to your pain. You will wonder if I cannot do anything or simply will not. I will seem to withdraw from you and do nothing. BUT, a plan is unfolding that you can not clearly see. If you could see it as I do, you would still hurt [shattered dreams], but you would not lose hope. You would gladly remain faithful to me in the middle of the worst suffering."

Why?

Because we have hope of the BEST that is to come.

Everyone needs prayer

Last night we went to Chick-fil-A for supper and ran to WalMart for a laminator. As we were walking up to the front to check out we passed a lady and her daughter. The daughter had apparently been twisting one of her earrings and it fell out of her ear onto the floor and under the Back To School display. As I'm walking by, the mother says, "G-- D--it, Susanna, you stupid Mother F---er." Y'all, this little girl was 8 years old. I was in tears (am in tears right now typing this). My Birdie-girl looked up at me and said, "Mama, that mom said a bad word to her daughter." And she's thinking "stupid" was the only part that was bad. Anyway, Scott walked up to that little girl and said, "I just heard you lost an earring. Can I help you find it?" He then spent 8 minutes on the dirty floor helping find the missing earring.

1) I have an amazing husband. He looked beyond the appalling moment to see the little girl and that she needed something to make her day better.

2) We need to pray for people. I don't know what would ever possess a mother to speak to her child that way, but she's not the only one. That little girl, and so many other children, are hurting and are desperate to be loved.

I don't tell you this just so you'll have a "gosh that was awful" moment. I tell you this to encourage you to pray for people. Pray for strangers, people walking by, people who just look like they need it. We all need it, so you wouldn't waste a single prayer on anyone! If you look around at people, their eyes and their stance will tell you exactly who needs your prayers at that moment. It's so easy to get caught up in our own days. It's easy to see someone riding a bike or walking along the side of the road and think, "Well, s/he needs to get a car." But, people are hurting. People are struggling.

I encourage you to look deeper at people. Is that man who is walking along side the road dirty? Is he hot and parched? Wouldn't a prayer bless him? "Lord, please bless that man. Keep him safe on this busy road and to his destination. Father, if he doesn't know you, I pray that You will reveal Yourself to him so that his life can be changed by You. In Jesus' name, Amen."

Or the lady in the check out line with three kids all pitching a fit, "Father, hold that mother's hand right now. I've been there, and it's hard. But comfort her with Your love. Help her to love her children well, even in this moment. Bless her today. In Jesus' name, Amen."

You don't have to know people to pray for them. I pray for strangers just like this all of the time. It's OK. It's not weird. We are all in need of a Savior. And we can all bless others by praying for them. Pray for people you know, and pray for those that God allows to cross your path. Lift them up to their Heavenly Father. Maybe they gave up on God a long time ago...maybe it's because of a parent speaking in the way that the mother above spoke to her daughter. God hears our prayers and can do much more than we could ever imagine. You will probably never know how your prayers were answered for the strangers you lift up. And that's OK. The point in prayer is not seeing the results, but believing that God will show His grace and mercy and love in His way. How amazing to pray for another person and open up the flood gates of God's love.

Everyone needs compassion, a love that's never failing.

My God is Mighty to Save. He can move the mountains.

Ephesians 3:19-20, "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

http://youtu.be/-08YZF87OBQ

Satisfying the Hunger

Last week I got up at 6:15 to start my day. I woke up with such hunger to read the Word, and I went straight to my reading spot and began studying the book of James. Peanut was sleeping in my bed (after yet another stomach bug hit), so I had to be very quiet. I was reading my Bible by flashlight, constantly juggling between reading and writing down notes in my journal. At first I thought, "This is a lot of trouble." But then the Holy Spirit whispered to me, "You are blessed to be able to do this."

And just like that, I was brought to my knees. I was reminded that there are hundreds of thousands of people in China, India, Russia, all over the world who risk their lives just to read the Bible. People smuggle Bibles into underground meeting holes (literal holes dug into the ground) just to talk about Jesus, to read about Him, to worship Him.

My hunger was overwhelming on this particular morning, but I was reminded that my hunger should be insatiable every day. I live in a country with Freedom of Religion, yet I can go days without opening my Bible. I live with the knowledge that God loves me and calls me His child, yet I "forget" to spend time with Him on a daily basis.

I am ashamed because I know there are people who risk their very lives just to get a taste of Jesus; just to utter His name in secret among other fellow believers. And yet I take my own freedom for granted. I take for granted the freedom that I have to worship God and His son. I take for granted the freedom that I have found in Christ.

My heart is heavy for the moments that I have let slip away from me on days when I decided sleeping in was more needed than spending time in the Word. My heart is burdened for my brothers and sisters in Christ who put themselves in danger satisfying the hunger of their hearts to be close to our Heavenly Father. What if I lived every day truly believing that nothing else mattered other than drawing as close as possible to Christ? What if my hunger to know more about God and His love and His goodness was never satisfied? What if the only way to satisfy the hunger of my heart was to live like those who risk it all just to whisper His name...

Oh be still, my unfaithful heart. Be still in the presence of the Lord, and just allow Him to satisfy your hunger. Allow Him to be all you need. Oh, heart, you waiver daily on what is truly good; on what you truly need. But there is only One who can fill you up; only One who can satisfy you. Run after Him, my heart, as though your very life depends upon it. Because it does. Heart, you have safety in freedom to soak up His Word and His knowledge. Don't take that for granted! Be like those who risk it all simply to satisfy the hunger.

What will Heaven be like?

So many people ask the question, "What will Heaven be like." Children, adults, Christians, people who are searching for answers.

Physically, I don't know what Heaven will be like. I don't know what it will look like, where exactly Heaven will be, what exactly we will do for eternity.

But what I do know with all of my heart is that Heaven is where we all belong.

This world is not our home.

One of my current favorite songs is by Building 429.
I'm not home yet. This is not where I belong. Take this world, and give me Jesus. This is not where I belong.


Sometimes it feels like I'm watching from the outside.
Sometimes it feels like I'm breathing but am I alive?
I won't keep searching for answers that aren't here to find.
Unfairness, judgement, mistreatment, gossip, rudeness, pettiness...these things surround us here on earth. But I truly believe that when we get to Heaven, the relationships that are so hard here will be healed there.

Relationships with fathers.
Would-be sisters.
Lost friends.

I believe that though I had a love/hate relationship with my step-dad I will run into his arms once I reach Heaven and all of the wounds will have already been healed.

I believe that though I have a tough relationship with "would-be sisters" right now in my life, no apologies will be needed in Heaven.

I believe that even though I haven't seen my biological father for years and years now, that he will recognize his grandchildren and our relationships will not be awkward. Forgiveness will simply be there.

Heaven is where we all belong. Pain is a reminder that this is not our home. Pain is the revealing of a greater thirst that simply cannot be quenched outside of Heaven.

I want to be found in Jesus at the end of my time so that He can take me home. To heaven. Where I belong.

Vanity

Lately the Lord has really been working on my personal struggle with vanity. I have struggled (as many girls/women have) for years with how I view myself. I am a perfectionist in every way, so I have always been hard on myself. Especially when it comes to my appearance.

But, the Lord has been using something - or should I say someone - to really bring my vanity front and center in my life.

My daughter.

Ouch, huh?

Like most mamas, when I found out I was pregnant with a little girl I went out and bought everything girly in every shade of pink to be found. Flowers on her crib bedding? Well, duh. A soft pallet to paint her room? Well, yeah. Dresses and hair bows and tights and frilly shoes? Of course! It was like playing dress up with a real live baby doll. I remember changing her clothes multiple times a day due to her dreadful reflux and thinking, "Oh, good. Now she can wear this today, too!"

But my little girl isn't growing up to be the frilly little Miss Priss that I thought she would. Now, she does like to wear a dress to church or to somewhere special, however, at any other time she wants to wear her "mud clothes." Mud? As in wet, nasty, smelly dirt? Yes. And oh. my. word. at how my Birdie-girl hates having her hair brushed or fixed.

And it pains me. It truly does. But why?

Here is where God's tender love allows His Holy Spirit to begin to work in me. Here is where God brings front and center my own struggle with vanity. I care what my daughter looks like because I think she is a reflection of me. If she looks pretty, then that somehow makes me look prettier. If her outfit is super cute and her hair bow and shoes coordinate perfectly, then somehow that makes me look better.

But Birdie was not created to be a reflection of me. Birdie was created to be a reflection of Him.

I have heard of women who dress their daughters to the nines in silly, frilly outfits to go to preschool. Outfits that are so uncomfortable that their daughters can't concentrate on their work or can't play outside on the playground with their friends; that they need to change half way through their 4 hour stay into the dreaded "extra change of clothes."  And come on, we all know that those extra clothes are something most moms just throw together hoping will never be worn. If Birdie went to public school, I am sure that I would have been guilty of this.

Lucky for both of us, God has really brought into view my vanity. How I can get so caught up in finding my own worth in appearances that I bring my daughter into the fold as well. And that is not where I want her to be. Her great worth comes from simply being a daughter of her heavenly Father.


My focus needs to be on Birdie's heart. My mission as a mother needs to be how to touch her heart for eternity. How I value her as a person will greatly influence how she values herself. And how she values herself will greatly influence how she feels God values her.

Christy Nockels has a new CD out, and one of her songs is "For Your Splendor" -

“I’m so concerned with what I look like from the outside.
Will I blossom into what You hope I’ll be.
Yet You’re so patient just to help me see.
The blooms come from a deeper seed that You planted in me.

And I’ll grow up strong and beautiful, all for Your splendor, Lord.
So with my arms stretched out, I’m swaying to Your heartbeat.
I’m growing with the sound of Your voice calling.
You’re bringing out the beauty that You have put in me.
For Your joy and for Your glory falling.”

 My deepest prayer is that Birdie will grow up for His splendor. 

Vanity

Lately the Lord has really been working on my personal struggle with vanity. I have struggled (as many girls/women have) for years with how I view myself. I am a perfectionist in every way, so I have always been hard on myself. Especially when it comes to my appearance.

But, the Lord has been using something - or should I say someone - to really bring my vanity front and center in my life.

My daughter.

Ouch, huh?

Like most mamas, when I found out I was pregnant with a little girl I went out and bought everything girly in every shade of pink to be found. Flowers on her crib bedding? Well, duh. A soft pallet to paint her room? Well, yeah. Dresses and hair bows and tights and frilly shoes? Of course! It was like playing dress up with a real live baby doll. I remember changing her clothes multiple times a day due to her dreadful reflux and thinking, "Oh, good. Now she can wear this today, too!"

But my little girl isn't growing up to be the frilly little Miss Priss that I thought she would. Now, she does like to wear a dress to church or to somewhere special, however, at any other time she wants to wear her "mud clothes." Mud? As in wet, nasty, smelly dirt? Yes. And oh. my. word. at how Ella Beth hates having her hair brushed or fixed.

And it pains me. It truly does. But why?

Here is where God's tender love allows His Holy Spirit to begin to work in me. Here is where God brings front and center my own struggle with vanity. I care what my daughter looks like because I think she is a reflection of me. If she looks pretty, then that somehow makes me look prettier. If her outfit is super cute and her hair bow and shoes coordinate perfectly, then somehow that makes me look better.

But Ella Beth was not created to be a reflection of me. Ella Beth was created to be a reflection of Him.

I have heard of women who dress their daughters to the nines in silly, frilly outfits to go to preschool. Outfits that are so uncomfortable that their daughters can't concentrate on their work or can't play outside on the playground with their friends; that they need to change half way through their 4 hour stay into the dreaded "extra change of clothes."  And come on, we all know that those extra clothes are something most moms just throw together hoping will never be worn. If Ella Beth went to public school, I am sure that I would have been guilty of this.

Lucky for both of us, God has really brought into view my vanity. How I can get so caught up in finding my own worth in appearances that I bring my daughter into the fold as well. And that is not where I want her to be. Her great worth comes from simply being a daughter of her heavenly Father.


My focus needs to be on Ella Beth's heart. My mission as a mother needs to be how to touch her heart for eternity. How I value her as a person will greatly influence how she values herself. And how she values herself will greatly influence how she feels God values her.

Christy Nockels has a new CD out, and one of her songs is "For Your Splendor" -

“I’m so concerned with what I look like from the outside.
Will I blossom into what You hope I’ll be.
Yet You’re so patient just to help me see.
The blooms come from a deeper seed that You planted in me.

And I’ll grow up strong and beautiful, all for Your splendor, Lord.
So with my arms stretched out, I’m swaying to Your heartbeat.
I’m growing with the sound of Your voice calling.
You’re bringing out the beauty that You have put in me.
For Your joy and for Your glory falling.”

 My deepest prayer is that Ella Beth will grow up for His splendor. 

A miracle

As I sit here going into the third hour with Porter sleeping on my chest, I am overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed with the love that has again multiplied in my heart to surround my third child. Overwhelmed that this tiny fella was just inside of my womb, and now he's here breathing on my chest.

And I am overwhelmed with the goodness of God. I don't want to sound foolish, but I was brought to my knees this morning at the complete realization that God worked a miracle in my life. There are many who will tell you that miracles don't happen; life is full of coincidences, some of which turn out well. I am not one of those people. I have seen the works of God in my life, in Porter's life.

*Sometime in the beginning of August I became pregnant - on the pill.

*On September 13, 2011, my OB told Scott and me not to "get attached" to our pregnancy.

*A week later, we were given a 20% chance of a "viable pregnancy."

*A week later, a large hemorrhage formed on my uterus and I had a lot of bleeding for many weeks. During that time, my OB also told me that there was still a high chance of losing our baby because the hemorrhage was growing.

*At 18 weeks, we found out that Porter was a boy, but he was "measuring small."

*At 23 weeks, Porter was still measuring small, a new "accessory placenta" was growing, and my contractions started.

*At 26 weeks, I went to the hospital for the first time for pre-term labor.

*Again at 28 weeks.

*Again at 31 weeks.

*Again at 33 weeks, 3 days.

*Porter was born at 33 weeks, 4 days. Weighing 4 lb, 2 oz; barely on the growth chart at 1%.

His weight went down to 3 lb, 9 oz, and he spent 19 days in the NICU - on a ventilator, IV, PICC line, antibiotics, photo therapy, and feeding tube.

And yet, here I sit with this precious life breathing in and out, in and out, on my chest. Full of life in spite of all the odds. Full of life in spite of what science and doctors had to say from the very beginning. As I look at Porter, I wonder what God has in store for this tiny fella. Surely it must be good. I'm not talking about being the president, or discovering a new planet with life. No, much bigger than that. That Porter will be a man after God's own heart. 

A missionary who devotes his entire life to others that they may know and love God?
A business man who fights against corruption though it costs him promotions?
A father who leads his family closer and deeper in their relationship with God?
A husband who is devoted, loyal, gentle, a leader?

I feel that God has now given me a mission. I have always wanted and prayed to be a good Christian example for my children, though I fail more often than I care to admit. But, now God has placed another life in my hands - one that He and I had to fight for. 

There were many times during my pregnancy where I would have a bad day (i.e. little patience, negative/mean tone of voice, selfishness), and I would cry out to God, "Why did you allow me to get pregnant again? I fail too often, and I don't want to keep failing. I am not good enough to be a mother again." I would be in tears for fear that not only was I going to mess up the lives and hearts of Ella Beth and Landon, but now another life and another heart was going to be put in my hands that I would be responsible and accountable for. And it scared me.

It still scares me. But, the miracle of Porter's life is not meant to condemn me. No, God is Good. The miracle of Porter's life is meant to be a blessing to me as his mother and as a blessing to our family. My prayer is that my heart will be broken for my children, all three of them. That their hearts will be my first concern each morning and my last at night. Their greatness is up to God, but I pray that I will faithfully lead them and love them as the mother He has called me to be.

Don't throw those away!!!

Each year we receive wonderful picture Christmas cards, and we display the photo cards on this crazy contraption. It's actually a Christmas tree made out of wires that is made to hold cards - it's just difficult to make out when it's all covered up under cards on top of cards on top of cards. :)

But what to do with them when Christmas is over? Throw them away? Recycle them? No, they are just too pretty!

So last year we decided to keep them in a simple wire basket in our kitchen, and each week during dinner we pray as a family for the family on the card. It has grown into a nice ritual we do as a family, and most of all we are teaching our children to pray for others.



During the week that we are praying for a specific family, I try to remember to send out an email to someone in the family to let them know that they are being prayed for. One of the best things about praying for others without them knowing it is that sometimes after sending out an email, a surprising response will come. More than once during the last year, I would get an email back saying "Thank you" because that family had been going through a rough patch, or that they had an answered prayer during that week. It has been a blessing to us as a family to pray for others. And, one thing that is really touching is when we come in contact with the specific family Ella Beth will often say something like, "Hey, we've been praying for you!" She is so proud, and that is something that I am thankful is being hidden in her heart. :)

So, before you toss all of your Christmas cards, maybe decide to pray for the families or do something else creative with them!

The Power of Prayer

To be honest, I can't believe the outcome of today's doctor appointment. When we left the doctor's office last week with very unsettling, and what seemed to be inevitable news, I really didn't expect much more than the worst.

Not that I'm a pessimist, because I am not. But because I typically trust what the doctor has to say. So when the doctor said, "your body probably knows something is wrong and is trying to get rid of it [baby]" - I took the news at face value.

And I waited. And waited. And the bleeding started. I called, and was told to wait just a little longer because the earliest I could come in was Tuesday (today). So, I waited. It was hard.

I prayed for this baby, but more than anything I prayed for God's will. And that I would trust His will.

Many other people were praying, too. Friends, family, strangers, neighbors. People were praying for me and for this tiny life within me.

And, I am amazed. Amazed at the thought of being lifted up to our Heavenly Father over and over again. Little ol' me. Amazed that friends are so dear and they call repeatedly to check in and see if there is anything they could do. Amazed that they really meant their offers, too.

But, above all else, I am amazed that God would choose to work another miracle inside my womb.

Because, I am pregnant!

The baby looks great!

And, the bleeding has been caused by a subchorionic hematoma on my uterus. The doctor said that it should "bleed out" on its own. Of course this isn't the best news because a subchorionic hematoma is very rare - occuring in only 1% of pregnancies. But, I am just trusting.

Trusting that God is in control.

And trusting in the power of prayer.

Pain reminds this heart that this is not our home

This has been one of those weeks that I wish I could undo and not have to live through. But that's not how life works, is it?

In late August I found out I was pregnant. I got pregnant on the pill. Again. For the third time; second time this year. A long miscarriage in March. I didn't know I was pregnant because I was on the pill, so I had to go through the miscarriage on my own because by the time I realized something was wrong, it was too late for a DNC. March 5-April 15 was pretty miserable.

And, now, things are hard. I went for my first prenatal appointment this past Tuesday at 8 in the morning. Scott and I had finally gotten over the shock that I am pregnant again, only to be faced with a trial that we weren't prepared for.

The doctor did an ultrasound to measure the baby and give a due date. But, we didn't get that far. Quickly into the ultrasound, the doctor told us that things didn't look good. The embryonic sack is far bigger than the baby. He said that is a high indication that my body "knows something is wrong with the baby and is trying to get rid of it." Not something any mother wants to hear - whether a pregnancy is a surprise or not. So, I was sent home to play the waiting game. The hard part.

I have been on pins and needles - will I miscarry or not? Will it be this morning? During the night? And then I start spotting yesterday. So is the inevitable underway? I call the doctor, and he says that this is not necessarily a sign that I am miscarrying, but it could be. He wants me to come in next Tuesday for another ultrasound to determine how things are progressing - toward the good or toward the end?

I hurt. I hurt physically with cramping and nausea that both last all day and into the night. And, my heart hurts. I have a tiny life inside of me - a life of which we saw a tiny heartbeat fluttering. But I could be losing it. Does the baby feel any pain? Is the baby under stress? Can that tiny life feel how much I love it? That even if we were surprised, we are still in love with a life that Scott and I have created.

We have Landon as a reminder of how special surprises are. And when we look at him, and how perfectly the surprise of him fit into our lives, we know that this baby would be just the same.

Laura Story has a beautiful song called "Blessings" - and I have been listening to it over and over.

There are so many things in this life that I do not understand. But I still trust that God is good. And this song is ministering to my heart to remind me that even when we don't understand, God is good and has our lives in the palm of His hand.

I am praying hard for this sweet life to grow, and to grow healthy. But I put all of my trust in God's will. Because I trust that His will is perfect. And my deepest yearning is to live in light of God's love - resting in Him alone - and accepting that if/when He says "no" it's for a greater purpose. To draw me closer to Him. 

"All the while you hear each spoken need, yet Love is way too much to give us lesser things. We doubt your goodness, we doubt your Love, as if every promise from Your word is not enough. What if Your blessings come through raindrops? What if you healing comes through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near?

Pain reminds this heart that this is not our home.

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy.

What if trials of this life - the rain, the storms, the hardest nights - are your mercies in disguise."

Weary

Weary: adjective, -ri·er, -ri·est, verb, -ried, -ry·ing.

–adjective

1. physically or mentally exhausted by hard work, exertion, strain, etc.; fatigued; tired: weary eyes; a weary brain.

2. characterized by or causing fatigue: a weary journey.

3. impatient or dissatisfied with something (often followed by of ): weary of excuses.

4. characterized by or causing impatience or dissatisfaction; tedious; irksome: a weary wait.

I am weary. 

I have felt this weariness setting in for a few weeks now. I am sure many most all moms feel weary at different points. 

I am weary of vacuuming at least once a day and then to have Scott move a piece of large furniture and complain that "the house we live in (the one I keep up day to day) is disgusting." I look at that 300 lb piece of furniture and I know I would have cleaned back there.....if only I could have moved it. 

I am weary of disciplining my children. There are days I feel like all I do from morning to bed time is nag, nag, nag. I understand Proverbs 29:7, "Discipline your children, and they will give you peace; they will bring you the delights you desire." Most days I am just waiting for that peace to come, and I grow weary in my waiting.

I am weary of being at home all of the time. I know that these are the most important days of my life - being with my children day in and day out, spending time with them, loving on them, guiding them. But some days, it requires so much; and sometimes I have so little.

On August 12 in Jesus Calling, I was brought to tears by what I read:

"Come to me when you are weak and weary. Rest snugly in My everlasting arms. I do not despise your weakness, My child. Actually, it draws Me closer to you, because weakness stirs up My compassion - My yearning to help. Accept yourself in your weakness, knowing that I understand how difficult your journey has been...I have gifted you with fragility, providing opportunities for your spirit to blossom in My presence. Accept this gift as a sacred treasure: delicate, yet glowing with brilliant Light. Rather than struggling to disguise or deny your weakness, allow Me to bless you richly through it."

Again I am reminded that we are called to give that hard thanks. To be thankful for the hard days, because even the most weary of days are still a gift. They are a gift of one more day to spend here on earth with loved ones; they are a gift of one more day to learn to live in the presence of Jesus. 

I am weary, yes. But I am also snugly wrapped in my Savior's compassionate, loving arms. 

"For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:10

Perfect In Weakness

2 Corinthians 12:9, "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."


There have been days lately when I have felt so overwhelmed that I can barely stand up, let alone put one foot in front of the other.

I have been weary.

Weary: –adjective;  1. physically or mentally exhausted by hard work, exertion, strain, etc.; fatigued; tired: weary eyes; a weary brain. 2. characterized by or causing fatigue: a weary journey. 3. impatient or dissatisfied with something.

The physical exhaustion of motherhood is nothing new. Heck, that kinda set in during Ella Beth's first week of life - I'd say I'm pretty used to that. Fatigue, yeah, used to that, too.

It's the "impatient or dissatisfied with something" that I'm struggling with. I have continually thought that my impatience has been directed at Ella Beth (which can be a challenge with a 4 year old) - but after prayer and journaling and searching with the help of the Holy Spirit I have realized that most of my impatience is directed at myself.

But why am I so hard on myself? It's called a foothold - Satan knows my weakest area is Perfectionism and he is using it against me. I've been a perfectionist for a very long time. Perfectionist in appearance, cleanliness, doing things well, doing things "right." But what I am finding is that the more I strive for perfection the more I fall short. If Ella Beth doesn't act well, then it's something I haven't done well. If Ella Beth speaks disrespectfully, it's because I've done something wrong. If Landon pitches a fit and has a complete melt down, it's a reflection of me as a mother.
 
All of those statements may in fact be true. But I can NOT allow myself any longer to believe the lie that I must be perfect. Christ says His power is made perfect in my weakness. Made perfect in weakness. But if I can't let go of my weakness - if I can't stop trying to "fix" it on my own - He can never make perfect.
 
I'm not talking about making me perfect. I'm talking about how He can use me. But, He can't if I won't let Him. My weaknesses are of use to my Heavenly Father, and I need to start seeing them as such. I need to stop beating myself up day after day about my failures, and instead give them over to Christ for Him to use. "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." When I boast about my reliance upon my Savior - my need for Him in every area of my life - only then can Christ's power rest on me.
 
I know that I'm not the only mama out there who struggles with this. So I encourage you, just as I am encouraging myself, to boast about our weaknesses. We are not to be proud of our sinful nature, but we are to show others how our reliance on Christ's grace and sufficiency is a true testament of His love.

Sabbatical

I'll be hanging out <here> for a while.

I'll try to update with some pictures on this blog soon...after all, my little fella has a big day coming up.

But, for an indefinite amount of time, I need to be <here>. It won't take you long to find out why. Feel free to comment...I'm sure I need whatever you have to say.