Battles Wage

Friends,
I must be honest with you and tell you that a battle has waged against me, and I am trying to be strong. But I know that I am not strong enough on my own.

In light of choosing to stay home with my kiddos and devote 100% of myself to Scott, Ella Beth, Landon, and our home I am finding myself at battle with the enemy.

I am still at North Point until a replacement is found for my position (but, take heart, it's not an indefinite amount of time!). While I have still been at NP, a job position has come up that 4 months ago would have been my dream job here. It has been hard for me to resist.

And just TODAY, a guy that Scott knows emailed to say that a neighbor of his has a 2010 Honda Odyssey fully loaded that they are trying to sell and are looking for a later model car to trade for. So, for $24000 we could trade my car and get a brand new van w/ all available bells and whistles.

Can I just say that Satan is RELENTLESS in his attempts to try and keep me from doing God's will??? I feel like he keeps hanging "carrots" in front of me (a new job position, a great deal on a van that I really want). I need strength and courage to do what I know I am supposed to do!

My dear friend, Noelle, shared an article with me a couple of days ago. It hit home with my heart, and it reaffirmed my desire and need to be home with my kiddos. The full article is available here, but I will highlight what spoke to my heart.

"Don’t feel guilty over making your children your primary ministry investment in their early years. Your availability, sensitivity, affection, and unhurried attention are irreplaceable.

There are no neutral moments in a young child’s life. Someone is going to be influencing your children, inculcating values and imprinting standards on their impressionable young minds. Let it be you!"

Those highlighted words/phrases call so loudly to me. I am not available a lot of the time. When I am, I feel rushed in everything I do. I haven't felt successful at home b/c I don't have enough time to invest in the special time with my kiddos - because there is always something that needs to be done with work. Of course, NP has been amazing and supportive when I have needed time to devote to my family - but only to the point which they can be. I mean, they still have to prove that I've earned my salary!

And, oh, how I want to be the one who is influencing my kiddos - that's my job, not anyone else's.

Noelle reminded me today that Satan knows the importance of families and mothers willing to invest in their children and the impact that has. These things that are coming up are Satan putting up a fight for me. A job, new car aren't bad things, but the Lord will give me strength to follow through with what I am convinced is best my family. I must keep coming back to what I know to be true.

Friends, it's hard. But I know it will be worth it.

I am clinging to Jeremiah 29:11,
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

How do you fill your cup?

I came across this blog from a friend, and while perusing older posts, this one stuck out to me. I could attempt to paraphrase it or rewrite it myself, but it's just too good not to post here in its entirety.
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from Proverbs 31 Ministries.

Communing Over Chaos

Whitney Capps

"Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me." John 15:4 (NIV)

I am out-going and chatty. I like to make fun of myself. I love to laugh. I enjoy being with people - until I don't. You see, at heart I am an introvert. At some point I can sense my energy waning. I begin to crave quiet, silence and solitude.

This is why I cherish quiet time with the Lord. I love the stillness of sitting and reading the Word or a book that turns my heart toward Jesus. My husband knows that one way to fill my love tank is to give me an evening of going out to dinner alone: just me, Jesus and a good book. (All you extroverts just cringed at the thought of eating alone didn't you?) Don't get me wrong, I adore my family, but I need mental white space.

However, with three kids under age four, quiet time with the Lord is an endangered species. I don't often get to go the bathroom by myself. If the water closet isn't a quiet place, you can imagine the chaos that follows me to my prayer closet.

For a few months after our youngest was born I lived in a spiritual desert. My soul was parched. I was desperate for quiet time with Jesus and prayed earnestly for God to help me find time to be alone with Him. Faithfully, He always provided, but often my tired and flesh-wrapped spirit dozed off in prayer or got distracted by other things.

I couldn't consistently make it work. After several months of mostly failed attempts, I cried out to God, "I don't know how to be alone with You!"

"Daughter, you don't have to be alone with Me. Just be with Me. Remain in Me, and I will remain in you."

Rather than give up on being with Jesus because it's not like it used to be, my Savior is asking me to abide with Him all day. God has ordained this season of my life and He knows even better than I do how much my children demand of me. In the clamor of the sword fights and confusion in the playroom, He is my hiding place.

I am learning to seize each moment, and see it as an opportunity to fellowship with Jesus. While my kids recite "God is great; God is good," I have a chat with Jesus. When I feel alienated from girlfriends, I read an uplifting magazine article. While my kids do art at the kitchen table, I read a Psalm or two. Whenever possible I try to have praise music playing in our house. Sometimes singing those lyrics is the closest my heart may come to meaningful prayer time all day.

Please hear me. I am not suggesting that these brief moments should replace consistent, focused times of prayer and Bible study. Those habits are hallmarks of Christian discipleship and growth. I am learning, however, to rethink my ideas on fellowship with Jesus. In this season of my life it's not so much the quantity of quiet reflection as it is the steady communing over chaos. But hey, at least we are together!

Father, Your daughter longs to be with You. Remind me of Your constant presence. May I seize opportunities to enjoy You throughout my day. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Ella Beth's story

It has been interesting (weird!) how many times I have told Ella Beth's "story" within the last couple of months to women who are going through the uncertainty that Scott and I went through during my pregnancy with Ella Beth. I feel that God must surely be speaking through it, so I want to post it here.

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My last period before I became pregnant with Ella Beth was on November 2, 2005.

On March 14, 2006 I was 16 weeks pregnant with Ella Beth. I went in to the doctor's office to have the routine ultrasound and scheduled blood work where they test for different chromosomal abnormalities. During my ultrasound the doctor noticed "clusters" on Ella Beth's brain that they said were indicators of Down's. They told us this after our ultrasound was complete, but said, "It could be nothing, we'll just see what the blood work results say." On Friday, the nurse called me to tell me that my blood work came back with a 1:300 ratio for Down's, and that it should be 1:3600 for a "normal" result. They scheduled an appointment with a perinatologist for the following Wednesday.

On Wednesday, March 22, Scott and I went to the perinatologist for a very in depth and specific ultrasound. When the doctor asked me the date of my last period, I told him it was Nov. 2; he asked me if I was sure. I said that I was b/c I had just stopped a fertility drug and had a surgical procedure and I knew the exact date. He said that he needed to recalculate some things and he would be back. Since the blood work results are based off of a woman's last menstrual cycle, Scott and I were sure that the doctor was going to come back to say that everything was fine and there was just a bad calculation.

But, that's not how it went. The doctor came back and said that with the updated information, there was now a 1:26 ratio that Ella Beth would have Down's. For the doctor, that was a 1:1 shot. Because of the clusters on her brain and the results of my blood work he was convinced that Ella Beth would have Down's, and he asked us that very moment if we would like to terminate our pregnancy. I couldn't speak, so Scott responded with, "Absolutely not." The doctor went on to try to convince us that it would most likely be the "wrong" decision b/c it was almost guaranteed that she would not be the "daughter we were hoping for." I was crying and shaking and still unable to speak, so Scott told the doctor that she was already the daughter we were hoping for, and that termination was not an option. The doctor then said, "Well, at your next appointment, that will be your last chance to legally abort." Talk about a sickening statement.

Scott and I went back to the perinatologist routinely every 2 weeks to monitor Ella Beth's growth and prognosis. At 32 weeks pregnant, we went in for another ultrasound where the ultrasound technician didn't speak to us very much. When she left, I told Scott that something was up. She came back in with the doctor, and we were given a pink slip that said "Fetus cleared of Down's Syndrome."

The same doctor who tried to convince us to terminate Ella Beth's life was the same doctor who "cleared" her. I cried so hard - of course I was glad to know that Ella Beth would be OK, but I cried mostly thinking of the women who were given the same incorrect diagnosis and who chose to terminate their child's life.

Scott and I prayed so hard that God would heal Ella Beth of Down's, because we truly believe that Ella Beth did have Down's while she was in the womb - ALL scientific evidence pointed to that. For us, and hopefully for our doctor, God proved that He is bigger than science. He is bigger than any "proof" that we can see.

Most people who know Ella Beth know that she is a very intelligent little girl; she has tested "off" the brightness scales, and her little mind just blows people away. Of course, Scott and I are proud of her. But mostly, we simply see that whatever gifts she has are just our "proof" of how big God is.

Ironically, working at North Point these last 2.5 years, I have passed by that same perinatal office every morning on my way to work. I pray often for the doctors in that office to look past science. And I pray for the parents who find themselves in the same situations, facing devastating news that their child "isn't going to be who the parents were hoping for." I pray that they look at their doctors and tell them, "Oh yes she is."

Oooey, Gooey Marshmallows!

Scott and I talked about our values for our family a few months back, and one of the "tools" we wanted to focus on in order to incorporate our values in to the normalcy of our family life is by simply creating memories. Of course, vacations are *wonderful* and do create lasting memories - but, um, we can't go on a big vacation more than once a year at our house. We don't want memories to strictly be tied to vacations either, so we decided to be more intentional about what we do during the time we have with our kiddos.

Last weekend, Scott built a real, authentic fire-pit in the back yard.


Always ready for the camera these days, Ella Beth posing with my boys.


We decided to break in the fire-pit by roasting marshmallows!




Not surprising, Landon did not like the marshmallows. (He's my texture and taste little guy - gets it straight from his mama, so I'm not saying anything about it!)

However, Ella Beth devoured 5 large gooey ones!




Now, I don't know what possessed my sweet little girl to place her last marshmallow (#6) into her hands...other than she was full and didn't know what to do with it.


Once she smooshed it good (if that doesn't sound country, I don't know what does!), she pressed her hands together. This picture is of her pulling her hands apart. What it doesn't show is that once her hands got just a couple of inches further apart, the marshmallow strings snapped and wrapped around her fingers and wrists. WHAT. A. MESS. It took about 8 minutes to clean her up - with multiple, "Don't touch me!" "Don't touch your hair!" comments flying out of my mouth. ;) I couldn't even think about picking up my camera to document that b/c my camera would be sticky until Miss Thing turned 10!


But it was a great memory to make!

Wash your hands!!!

Waiting for the geese to come. It didn't take long.

Bravely sticking out hands to feed them.


Sometimes they go for fingers instead of bread. Yikes!


Surrounded.


Posted for prosperity - and proof! - that I did indeed let a goose eat from my hand.


Love pictures like this one.


Can someone please tell this little fella to stop growing up so fast?!


Always together.


Scott wasn't afraid at all. He loved showing us all how to feed the horses.


Totally out of focus..., but once again for prosperity. I was only slightly nervous about losing a finger!


Scott...not so much.


Who knew I married the Horse Whisperer?


Only slightly nervous himself, Landon got a lesson about feeding the horses, too.


See y'all again soon. Now wash your hands, because Mama said so!

A Pet For a Day

On Monday of this week, we rescued this little girl from the middle of the road.


How do we know it was a girl??? Because Ella Beth named "her" Julia. Such a nice name for a turtle...don't you think?!


Now, turtles are my favorite animal, but I was very surprised that Ella Beth picked her up. And even liked holding her.


Landon liked her much better when she was out of her shell. "Come out, Julie!" ;)


"Where'd she go?"


I know you're in there. I'm just going to wait until you come back out!


Needless to say, we let this poor girl go after a day!

The Enemy of the Best is the Good

Over the past few months (let's say 11 ;)), I've really been having a hard time figuring out what I want from life. It's been easy to look into the future and say, "in 10 years I want to be in a big house with a new mini-van in the garage and a big savings account at the bank." But looking at the right now? That's been tricky.

I've always had the mindset that the "right now" determines the future. And, while that can be the case, sometimes I have to dig a little deeper. The "right now" that I'm craving could be what leads to where I *think* I want to be in 10 years, but not necessarily.

You see, more than the materialism of what my dreams have always held for the future is God's calling in my life. And right now, it's going in the complete.opposite.direction. of where I thought it would.

Scott and I have made the (tough) decision for me to stay home. On his income. And no included benefits.

Less money = greater dreams??? For us, yes.

I'm not going to dream of that bigger and better house so that I can be content with the house that I have.

I'm not going to give all of my energy to my job so that I can give it to my husband and kiddos.

I'm not going to spend money on just anything so I can budget and save for what's important.

I'm not going to look to culture to sell me on my desires so that I can study God's word and find what His true desires are for me.

I'm not going to settle for what's good so that I can live my life for what's best.

It's not going to be easy, but it's going to be worth it.