As I sit here going into the third hour with Porter sleeping on my chest, I am overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed with the love that has again multiplied in my heart to surround my third child. Overwhelmed that this tiny fella was just inside of my womb, and now he's here breathing on my chest.
And I am overwhelmed with the goodness of God. I don't want to sound foolish, but I was brought to my knees this morning at the complete realization that God worked a miracle in my life. There are many who will tell you that miracles don't happen; life is full of coincidences, some of which turn out well. I am not one of those people. I have seen the works of God in my life, in Porter's life.
*Sometime in the beginning of August I became pregnant - on the pill.
*On September 13, 2011, my OB told Scott and me not to "get attached" to our pregnancy.
*A week later, we were given a 20% chance of a "viable pregnancy."
*A week later, a large hemorrhage formed on my uterus and I had a lot of bleeding for many weeks. During that time, my OB also told me that there was still a high chance of losing our baby because the hemorrhage was growing.
*At 18 weeks, we found out that Porter was a boy, but he was "measuring small."
*At 23 weeks, Porter was still measuring small, a new "accessory placenta" was growing, and my contractions started.
*At 26 weeks, I went to the hospital for the first time for pre-term labor.
*Again at 28 weeks.
*Again at 31 weeks.
*Again at 33 weeks, 3 days.
*Porter was born at 33 weeks, 4 days. Weighing 4 lb, 2 oz; barely on the growth chart at 1%.
His weight went down to 3 lb, 9 oz, and he spent 19 days in the NICU - on a ventilator, IV, PICC line, antibiotics, photo therapy, and feeding tube.
And yet, here I sit with this precious life breathing in and out, in and out, on my chest. Full of life in spite of all the odds. Full of life in spite of what science and doctors had to say from the very beginning. As I look at Porter, I wonder what God has in store for this tiny fella. Surely it must be good. I'm not talking about being the president, or discovering a new planet with life. No, much bigger than that. That Porter will be a man after God's own heart.
A missionary who devotes his entire life to others that they may know and love God?
A business man who fights against corruption though it costs him promotions?
A father who leads his family closer and deeper in their relationship with God?
A husband who is devoted, loyal, gentle, a leader?
I feel that God has now given me a mission. I have always wanted and prayed to be a good Christian example for my children, though I fail more often than I care to admit. But, now God has placed another life in my hands - one that He and I had to fight for.
There were many times during my pregnancy where I would have a bad day (i.e. little patience, negative/mean tone of voice, selfishness), and I would cry out to God, "Why did you allow me to get pregnant again? I fail too often, and I don't want to keep failing. I am not good enough to be a mother again." I would be in tears for fear that not only was I going to mess up the lives and hearts of Ella Beth and Landon, but now another life and another heart was going to be put in my hands that I would be responsible and accountable for. And it scared me.
It still scares me. But, the miracle of Porter's life is not meant to condemn me. No, God is Good. The miracle of Porter's life is meant to be a blessing to me as his mother and as a blessing to our family. My prayer is that my heart will be broken for my children, all three of them. That their hearts will be my first concern each morning and my last at night. Their greatness is up to God, but I pray that I will faithfully lead them and love them as the mother He has called me to be.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Monday, April 16, 2012
Multitudes on Monday
990. being HOME as a FAMILY after 19 long days
991. soft baby blankets
992. preemie clothes - they are so stinkin' tiny and cute
993. the sweet noises Porter makes while he's nursing
994. Porter smiling in his sleep
995. Ella Beth's love for her new baby brother
996. watching Landon hold Porter - I really thought he would be a little uninterested in Porter, and it's a nice surprise that he's not
997. Ella Beth and Landon's help when Mama's hands are full (usually with wet clothes AND a dirty diaper!)
998. surprises in the mail
999. fried chicken from Publix - it's been a very long time since I've had fried chicken. Yum!
1000. photo sessions at home
1001. tiny baby feet
1002. tiny baby hands
1003. friends who check in often
1004. the prayers sent up for Porter...who has proven to be quite the little miracle
991. soft baby blankets
992. preemie clothes - they are so stinkin' tiny and cute
993. the sweet noises Porter makes while he's nursing
994. Porter smiling in his sleep
995. Ella Beth's love for her new baby brother
996. watching Landon hold Porter - I really thought he would be a little uninterested in Porter, and it's a nice surprise that he's not
997. Ella Beth and Landon's help when Mama's hands are full (usually with wet clothes AND a dirty diaper!)
998. surprises in the mail
999. fried chicken from Publix - it's been a very long time since I've had fried chicken. Yum!
1000. photo sessions at home
1001. tiny baby feet
1002. tiny baby hands
1003. friends who check in often
1004. the prayers sent up for Porter...who has proven to be quite the little miracle
Psalm 9:1, "I will give thanks to you, LORD, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonderful deeds."
Saturday, April 14, 2012
The boys
Porter - 3 weeks old in these pictures, 4 lb and 12 oz
Landon - 3 days old in these pictures, 5 lb and 9 oz
Landon - 3 days old in these pictures, 5 lb and 9 oz
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Home
We are home. We are all together.
And the Big Sister and Big Brother couldn't be more proud. And this Mama couldn't be happier. :)
Porter seems pretty content with being home, too. :)
God has been so good, so faithful.
And we are thankful.
And the Big Sister and Big Brother couldn't be more proud. And this Mama couldn't be happier. :)
Porter seems pretty content with being home, too. :)
God has been so good, so faithful.
And we are thankful.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Round Three, part 4
Sometimes life is just plain hard. And there's no way around it.
Just 7 days after being discharged from my c-section, I am alone with two rambunctious kiddos. And everything that could go wrong, does.
Scott ran me to the hospital this morning so that I could drop off my milk for Porter. We came home and Scott had literally just walked out the door for work when I realized I didn't have any more storage bottles for my breast milk. The NICU is very strict about how breast milk is handled and they require moms to use fresh storage bottles each time we pump. We are not allowed to reuse them, so when I realized I didn't have any more there was only one thing to do. I had to drive myself to the hospital with the kiddos in tow. I'm not supposed to be driving. I called my neighbor, but her kiddos were napping. I called a couple of other friends who were either unavailable at the time or the call went to voice mail. I had less than two hours until my next pumping session, so driving was inevitable.
Both Ella Beth and Landon are completely on edge right now. Telling them to load back up into the car was like telling them they could never have dessert again. Not to mention the slightest correction from me and they are a mess of tears. I wish their little hearts could have been protected from so much during the last 12 weeks of this crazy year, but this is a fallen world and sometimes life is just plain hard. Even for our children. They have missed the normalcy of life; the ease of being 5 and 4. Homeschooling on a routine schedule, field trips every week or so, playing outside on beautiful days, having Mama home all of the time. But life hasn't been routine or normal here for quite some time. And they still haven't met their baby brother who they pray for every day. I know it's hard on them.
It's hard on me.
Every day for the last 10 days I have been without my youngest son. I didn't get to see him for more than 12 hours after he was born, and every day since I have had to leave the NICU without him. In my post-partum room I could hear other babies crying in their mothers' rooms, only to be picked up and comforted. Those mamas gave birth and got to be with their babies right away. It's unfair to be separated from my tiny baby that I just brought into this world. No matter how "prepared" I was for our NICU stay from over two months of preterm labor, it is almost unbearable. Sometimes I don't know where the strength comes from for me to stand up and keep going; nothing is easy emotionally or physically.
The pain of healing from a c-section is rough, but add on top of that going back and forth to the hospital on a daily basis, caring for two emotionally strung out kiddos, and pumping every 3 hours around the clock...and the pain just adds up. I know I should be doing less and resting more, I just don't know how to work either of those into my life right now. When I am home, I have two needy children who want to be by my side every single minute. They want to "help" with everything, they want me to play, get them food and drinks, go outside; they get sad when I can't do it all, and they don't understand why. Ella Beth often says, "I wish it was like before when your belly didn't hurt and you could play with me." :( When I am at the hospital, there is a tiny little fella who needs his Mama. Or is it his Mama that needs him? Alarms and monitors are always going off, sweet nurses are coming in and out, I am pumping or nursing (or both) every 3 hours around the clock there, too. I don't know how to fit resting and healing into my days. And it hurts.
Tonight I had to give the kiddos a bath on my own. I got them in the tub with just the right amount of water and bubbles. It was time to pump, yet again, so I left them alone for all of 10 minutes. Now usually there will be a little water on the side of the tub from innocent playing, but not tonight. No, tonight there was a huge mess. Landon went to the potty before he got in the tub, but his little bladder decided he needed to go again. So he peed in a play cup. Instead of just leaving it until Mama came, he and Ella Beth decided to pour it into the potty. Well, they missed. I walked in to find a huge puddle of pee all over the floor next to and behind the toilet. Unfortunately for me, a puddle of pee is not something that can just sit until Daddy is home to clean it up. And letting the kiddos clean it up just wasn't an option. So here I am on all fours cleaning up pee all around the toilet. I am having to stretch and reach, and I can just feel my incision screaming at me. I am fighting off tears as much as possible because I have two overly sensitive kiddos watching my every move.
I want to scream at them for making me have to do this. I want to curl up into a ball and just cry over the pain and frustration that I feel. I want to shake my fists and just get mad.
But what's the point? Sometimes life is just plain hard.
And it is at times like these when I can do nothing more than cry out to God for mercy. To let Him know that I have reached my limit. At least for today. Tomorrow will bring its own set of trials, but I can't think of those tonight. Tonight, I just have to choose to believe that God is molding me with fire. Fire is hot, and it's unrelenting. But in the end it can produce great things, great outcomes. So I make up my mind over and over and over again to trust that God knows what He's doing.
"When you can't see God's hand, trust His heart."
Just 7 days after being discharged from my c-section, I am alone with two rambunctious kiddos. And everything that could go wrong, does.
Scott ran me to the hospital this morning so that I could drop off my milk for Porter. We came home and Scott had literally just walked out the door for work when I realized I didn't have any more storage bottles for my breast milk. The NICU is very strict about how breast milk is handled and they require moms to use fresh storage bottles each time we pump. We are not allowed to reuse them, so when I realized I didn't have any more there was only one thing to do. I had to drive myself to the hospital with the kiddos in tow. I'm not supposed to be driving. I called my neighbor, but her kiddos were napping. I called a couple of other friends who were either unavailable at the time or the call went to voice mail. I had less than two hours until my next pumping session, so driving was inevitable.
Both Ella Beth and Landon are completely on edge right now. Telling them to load back up into the car was like telling them they could never have dessert again. Not to mention the slightest correction from me and they are a mess of tears. I wish their little hearts could have been protected from so much during the last 12 weeks of this crazy year, but this is a fallen world and sometimes life is just plain hard. Even for our children. They have missed the normalcy of life; the ease of being 5 and 4. Homeschooling on a routine schedule, field trips every week or so, playing outside on beautiful days, having Mama home all of the time. But life hasn't been routine or normal here for quite some time. And they still haven't met their baby brother who they pray for every day. I know it's hard on them.
It's hard on me.
Every day for the last 10 days I have been without my youngest son. I didn't get to see him for more than 12 hours after he was born, and every day since I have had to leave the NICU without him. In my post-partum room I could hear other babies crying in their mothers' rooms, only to be picked up and comforted. Those mamas gave birth and got to be with their babies right away. It's unfair to be separated from my tiny baby that I just brought into this world. No matter how "prepared" I was for our NICU stay from over two months of preterm labor, it is almost unbearable. Sometimes I don't know where the strength comes from for me to stand up and keep going; nothing is easy emotionally or physically.
The pain of healing from a c-section is rough, but add on top of that going back and forth to the hospital on a daily basis, caring for two emotionally strung out kiddos, and pumping every 3 hours around the clock...and the pain just adds up. I know I should be doing less and resting more, I just don't know how to work either of those into my life right now. When I am home, I have two needy children who want to be by my side every single minute. They want to "help" with everything, they want me to play, get them food and drinks, go outside; they get sad when I can't do it all, and they don't understand why. Ella Beth often says, "I wish it was like before when your belly didn't hurt and you could play with me." :( When I am at the hospital, there is a tiny little fella who needs his Mama. Or is it his Mama that needs him? Alarms and monitors are always going off, sweet nurses are coming in and out, I am pumping or nursing (or both) every 3 hours around the clock there, too. I don't know how to fit resting and healing into my days. And it hurts.
Tonight I had to give the kiddos a bath on my own. I got them in the tub with just the right amount of water and bubbles. It was time to pump, yet again, so I left them alone for all of 10 minutes. Now usually there will be a little water on the side of the tub from innocent playing, but not tonight. No, tonight there was a huge mess. Landon went to the potty before he got in the tub, but his little bladder decided he needed to go again. So he peed in a play cup. Instead of just leaving it until Mama came, he and Ella Beth decided to pour it into the potty. Well, they missed. I walked in to find a huge puddle of pee all over the floor next to and behind the toilet. Unfortunately for me, a puddle of pee is not something that can just sit until Daddy is home to clean it up. And letting the kiddos clean it up just wasn't an option. So here I am on all fours cleaning up pee all around the toilet. I am having to stretch and reach, and I can just feel my incision screaming at me. I am fighting off tears as much as possible because I have two overly sensitive kiddos watching my every move.
I want to scream at them for making me have to do this. I want to curl up into a ball and just cry over the pain and frustration that I feel. I want to shake my fists and just get mad.
But what's the point? Sometimes life is just plain hard.
And it is at times like these when I can do nothing more than cry out to God for mercy. To let Him know that I have reached my limit. At least for today. Tomorrow will bring its own set of trials, but I can't think of those tonight. Tonight, I just have to choose to believe that God is molding me with fire. Fire is hot, and it's unrelenting. But in the end it can produce great things, great outcomes. So I make up my mind over and over and over again to trust that God knows what He's doing.
"When you can't see God's hand, trust His heart."
Our Tiny Fella
Most of the pictures that I post with updates on Facebook don't do any justice to Porter's tiny size. I am almost always holding him in my arms while I'm with him at the hospital, so all of the pictures I snap with my iPhone are very close up.
But, yesterday, I took my "real camera" and took some pictures. I want to always remember how tiny my littlest fella was, because I know he will grow up and it will be hard to remember just how ity bity Porter ever was.
Here is Porter in his very first outfit. It's a preemie sleeper, and he's just a swimmin' in it. ;)
A very tired Mama and Porter. :) He has the skinniest little arms!
Now, I have very small hands. My hand is about 6 inches from the tip of my middle finger to the heel of my palm. Porter's shoulders and body are only about 4 inches wide. And you can see that Porter's tiny arm is barely bigger than my finger!
Here is Porter's hospital crib. He is swaddled in two blankets in these pictures, and his little feet are only about 2/3 of the way down. It really is amazing that Porter is 18 1/2 inches long - most preemies at 33/34 weeks are somewhere between 15-16 inches long. His length makes him SO SKINNY. I'll have to get some pictures of him in a onesie b/c it's just too cute. :)
Any picture of Porter and Scott's hand really put into perspective just how tiny Porter is. Scott's hand literally swallows Porter's body, even here swaddled in two blankets.
Two of my favorite pictures. You can see in this picture that Scott's long and lean fingers really are bigger than Porter's tiny arms. Porter's hand is too small to even make it all the way around Scott's finger!
A smile from our happy tiny fella. :) We are all in LOVE with Porter Lane, and we are praying without ceasing that he will be home with us very soon!
But, yesterday, I took my "real camera" and took some pictures. I want to always remember how tiny my littlest fella was, because I know he will grow up and it will be hard to remember just how ity bity Porter ever was.
Here is Porter in his very first outfit. It's a preemie sleeper, and he's just a swimmin' in it. ;)
A very tired Mama and Porter. :) He has the skinniest little arms!
Now, I have very small hands. My hand is about 6 inches from the tip of my middle finger to the heel of my palm. Porter's shoulders and body are only about 4 inches wide. And you can see that Porter's tiny arm is barely bigger than my finger!
Here is Porter's hospital crib. He is swaddled in two blankets in these pictures, and his little feet are only about 2/3 of the way down. It really is amazing that Porter is 18 1/2 inches long - most preemies at 33/34 weeks are somewhere between 15-16 inches long. His length makes him SO SKINNY. I'll have to get some pictures of him in a onesie b/c it's just too cute. :)
Any picture of Porter and Scott's hand really put into perspective just how tiny Porter is. Scott's hand literally swallows Porter's body, even here swaddled in two blankets.
Look at Porter's beautiful head! I just love it - it's so perfectly perfect. :)
Two of my favorite pictures. You can see in this picture that Scott's long and lean fingers really are bigger than Porter's tiny arms. Porter's hand is too small to even make it all the way around Scott's finger!
A smile from our happy tiny fella. :) We are all in LOVE with Porter Lane, and we are praying without ceasing that he will be home with us very soon!
Monday, April 2, 2012
Multitudes on Monday
971. Porter's arrival!
972. holding Porter in my arms
973. nursing Porter
974. watching how Porter responds to Scott's voice and mine
975. that Porter does not have any other health issues or problems from being premature
976. that NICU nurses are so doting on my little fella when I can't be here
977. the strength that Ella Beth has shown during this huge trial for our family
978. the continuing anticipation of Ella Beth and Landon finally meeting their little brother
979. friends and family who pray without ceasing for Porter's health and strength
980. friends and family who pray without ceasing for this Mama's strength and sanity
981. sunshine and warm days that the kiddos can get outside and be distracted from all that's going on
982. watching the kiddos playing baseball in the backyard with Scott - Ella Beth thinks every hit she gets is a homerun and loves to run the bases :)
983. meals that I don't have to cook
984. Porter's beautiful head - one positive of having a c-section
985. another Toe-Head to join the family
986. how much Porter looks like Landon did when he was born
987. Porter got Mama's dimples :)
988. my mom being here to hang out with and spoil Ella Beth and Landon
989. singing, "Lord, I need you; oh I need you. Every hour I need you. My one defense, my righteousness - Oh, God, how I need you. When I can not stand, I fall on You. Jesus, You're my Hope and Stay." Knowing that He is always here with me. Even when I can't feel it, I still trust it.
2 Corinthians 9:15, "Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift!"
972. holding Porter in my arms
973. nursing Porter
974. watching how Porter responds to Scott's voice and mine
975. that Porter does not have any other health issues or problems from being premature
976. that NICU nurses are so doting on my little fella when I can't be here
977. the strength that Ella Beth has shown during this huge trial for our family
978. the continuing anticipation of Ella Beth and Landon finally meeting their little brother
979. friends and family who pray without ceasing for Porter's health and strength
980. friends and family who pray without ceasing for this Mama's strength and sanity
981. sunshine and warm days that the kiddos can get outside and be distracted from all that's going on
982. watching the kiddos playing baseball in the backyard with Scott - Ella Beth thinks every hit she gets is a homerun and loves to run the bases :)
983. meals that I don't have to cook
984. Porter's beautiful head - one positive of having a c-section
985. another Toe-Head to join the family
986. how much Porter looks like Landon did when he was born
987. Porter got Mama's dimples :)
988. my mom being here to hang out with and spoil Ella Beth and Landon
989. singing, "Lord, I need you; oh I need you. Every hour I need you. My one defense, my righteousness - Oh, God, how I need you. When I can not stand, I fall on You. Jesus, You're my Hope and Stay." Knowing that He is always here with me. Even when I can't feel it, I still trust it.
2 Corinthians 9:15, "Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift!"
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