I have only 29 days left of being 29.
In 29 s-h-o-r-t days I will officially be out of my 20s.
I'll be 30.
Just trying to brace myself for it.
You know...in case I need a walker and have permanent silver hair when I wake up on June 5.
Oh dear...
it's really coming!
Yup, you read that right - I'm moving. Blogs that is.
Be on the look out for a special message regarding the new placement of my blog. Per my husband's request (that I've been semi putting off since the beginning of the year - opps!), it will be "private" - by invitation only. ;) Just in case you're not in my normal email bank, let me know via comment on this blog if you'd like to know the new location and password for my new blog.
So...after my last post (that was quite heavy), I can give a little bit of an update.
I've still been struggling with feeling let down by God, but I have realized that this "season" is only temporary. I have realized that I am growing in my faith through this season, and that is ultimately God's purpose.
A story that my friend Ally shared with me that really helped me realize that my reaction to adversity can determine the path that it will lead me.
There
was a woman who complained to her father that her life was miserable
and that she didn't know how she was going to make it. She was tired of
fighting and struggling all the time. It seemed just as one problem was
solved, another one soon followed.
Her father, a chef, took her into
the kitchen. He filled 3 pots with water and placed each on a high
fire. After the pots were boiling, he placed potatoes in one pot, eggs
in the second pot, and ground coffee beans in the 3rd. "What is he
doing?" she thought.
After 20 min he removed the pots from the fire and
removed the contents. The father asked her what she saw and she said
"Potatoes, eggs, and coffee." The father said, "Look closely and touch
the potatoes." She did they were soft. He then asked her to break the
egg but it was hard boiled. The he asked her to sip the coffee and the
aroma brought a smile to her face.
The father explained that the
potatoes, the eggs, and coffee beans had each faced the same
adversity. However, they reacted differently. The potato went in
strong, hard, and unrelenting, but in boiling water, it becamce soft
and weak. The egg was fragile, with the thin outer shell protecting its
liquid interior until it was put in the boiling water and the inside
became hard. However, the coffee beans were unique. After they went
through the boiling water, they changed the water and became something
new.
The father asked his daughter, "Which are you? When adversity
knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a potato, an egg, or a
coffee bean?" In life, things happen around us, things happen to us,
but the only thing that truly matters is what happens within us.
I posted this the other day, but took it down about an hour later. I didn't want my lack of faith to cause anyone else to falter. But, after being up with Ella Beth as she threw up for two hours last night...maybe if I post this (and leave it up) someone might be able to give me some encouragement.
=====
As a Christian, I have had times in my life where I have struggled, but I always knew that those areas of struggle were "relatively small and simple" - nothing faith altering.
I can't say the same for how things have been going lately.
I've been struggling. Big struggles. I've been finding it hard to want to even talk to God. I've been asking myself questions like, "Does God really care about the details of our lives?" "Where is God in the day to day?"
March 9, 2009. 7:10 a.m. I was so scared. Forget doubting God during that moment. Forget remembering to brush my teeth before I ran out the door. I was terrified of losing my daughter. I was scared to buckle her in her car seat, worried that she may not make it...she may die...before I can even get her to the hospital. Ella Beth had literally been sick over 50 times during the ten hours before. She couldn't stand, could barely move any part of her body, and when she tried to speak to tell me that she didn't feel well or that she needed to be sick, her words were so slurred that I couldn't even understand her.
I suppose that's where it started. Then, of course, were the 25 attempts to get an IV into my daughter; 2 of which were successful over a 2-day period.
I remember calling out (audibly) to God asking Him to PLEASE help the nurses, technicians, specialists just find a vein. Sure, they did on the 17th try...only to have the vein blow 2 hours later, in her foot, and then to have 8 more unsuccessful sticks the next day. Next, to have nurses come in for "blood work" and have to prick and squeeze Ella Beth's fingers and toes (ALL of them), just to get a tiny tube of blood.
I just kept thinking, when does this ever end? God, are you there? Can't you just help? You're BIG, remember? Just blink an eyelash, think about her for a split second, do something to help. Please?
No answer.
Now, should that be faith-shaking? Maybe to you, not. But to me, it has been. Has God turned His back on me? Is He testing me for some reason?
I'm failing if He is testing me.
And, of course, March 9, 2009 - well, that was just the first hospital admission.
Then, there was March 20, 2009. Started all over, got worse, had more than one scare in the hospital. And, still, we have no real answers. Testing keeps going.
I just wonder where God is sometimes.
Yes, I know we live in a fallen world. But, the Bible tells us that God is always with us. It doesn't feel that way right now. I think back to the Israelites as they walked around, lost, for 400 years during the time that God did turn His back to His people. Generations lived and died, never seeing even a glimpse of God.
Their faith was way beyond my own.
Why should I pray about raising support for my mission trip to Kenya? (Which, by the way isn't coming in as fast as it needs to. Imagine that.) Why pray about the money I need to raise? It's a small detail. Does God really want to get involved in me raising money? Small Prayer Request vs. Big Prayer Request. Is that the battle?
But, I am trying my hardest to find my way back to talking with God. Despite feeling disappointed in Him, not just in the circumstances we faced, I still know He is God. I know He is a big God. I just wish He felt smaller. Not smaller in his capabilities; I still want a Big God who can pull off Big wonders. Just smaller in that He could show up and be tangible in the details.
So, really, we are just glad that we made it to Easter healthy. We had fun. We enjoyed time together. We enjoyed time with family. We celebrated our risen Savior.
I love this picture of my two favorite fellas enjoying one another's company. Scott is Landon's hero.
Landon enjoyed picking up eggs at our first egg hunt; he wasn't in any hurry about it though. ;)
Ella Beth had to open every. single. egg to see what was inside before she would put it in her bucket!
Ella Beth's Easter basket from Mimi. Lots of fun things inside!
Landon also had lots of fun things inside his basket. He didn't know what to think!
Love the fact that neither of my children feel the need to look at the camera when I actually get both of them in my lap, happy, not fighting, not crying... Oh well! Notice the new hair?!?!
Bed head on Easter morning!!! Ella Beth loved her new rocking horse.
Landon loves his Little People farm and animals. He will play with this for up to 20 minutes by himself! (Until Ella Beth comes along...)
The family kiddos ready for the last egg hunt of 2009. Next year, I think I want to limit our egg hunts to two - the one in our front yard, and the annual family hunt. Too many takes the fun out of it. Love how excited Landon looks in this shot!
Landon and Ella Beth enjoying the fruits (i.e. candy) of their labor!!!
Yes, I know that I haven't been updating like I should...but I have had SO much to catch up on that I haven't had time.
But, I'll give a very quick update:
Ella Beth went in last Thursday for blood work. A neonatal lab specialist was requested to "stick" her, and she was successful on the FIRST try!!! Yippie! She even got Ella Beth to talk to her while the blood was flowing (very slowly) out. She asked her how old she was, and Ella Beth said, "I'm two and a half." Then, she asked her when her birthday was. Well, Ella Beth really perked up, forgot about the needle in her arm and said, "My birthday is August 7th, 2006!" We all just cracked up that she actually said the 2006 part! It made her blood flow a little faster, too. :)
OK...So some of her tests have come back. She was NEGATIVE for Hepatitis A. :) Her liver readings were back within the "normal" range. :) And the test for Celiac Disease has come back NEGATIVE! :) Huge blessings there! (Of course, we've been told that there are often false negatives with Celiac...but not worrying about that. )
She goes to the GI specialist on Thursday for a physical and complete work up. Can't wait to see what they have her do during her physical. They just need to play some toddler tunes, and she'll just dance and sing her way around the office for exercise!
OK...gonna get back to work (Hi, Russell!). But, since our pediatrician just called with the results, I really wanted to get this posted. Thank you all who have called to check in on Ella Beth and Landon. So glad I finally have updates to share!
