Multitudes on Monday

909. I am 31 weeks pregnant!

910. laughing while doing interesting "techniques" in trying to turn Porter in the head DOWN position

911. hearing Scott tell jokes to Porter

912. a birthday boy who turned 4 years old!

913. reaching my last goal in February - making it to Landon's party!

914. a party that went off without a hitch

915. a really fun cake

916. a birthday crown

917.balloons for all of the kiddos at the party b/c all kids love 'em

918. a day of reprieve after Landon's party b/c I did way too much yesterday

919. a good book to curl up on the couch with and read while resting

919. the sweetest and most thoughtful gift in the mail from a very kind friend

Psalm 106:1 " Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever."

4 year old interview

{The boy loves to be upside down.}

I can't believe my baby boy is 1) about to turn 4 years old, and 2) is not going to be the baby much longer. These last four years have been so much fun with a growing boy - loud, active, wild, messy!

One of my favorite traditions once my kiddos turn four is to start their yearly interviews. Gotta love the things a 4 year old boy has to say:

(M)ama: What do you want to be when you grow up?

(L)andon: An alien!

(M): I try really hard not to laugh...An alien? Why's that?

(L): 'Cause then the super heros would come to space and find me.

(M): What is your favorite thing God has made?

(L): Christmas

(M): What is it you like about Christmas?

(L): Presents and my tool set

(M): What's your favorite color?

(L): Orangey-orangey (Note: Landon has called orange "orangey-orangey" since he learned his colors. He's never re-named another color, but "orangey-orangey" has stuck.)

(M): What is your favorite food?

(L): Cereal (Note: Landon would eat cereal for every meal and snack if we would let him. And, he doesn't mind if his cereal gets soggy. Does NOT get that from me!)

(M): What is something that you don't like to eat?

(L): Potatoes (He says this with a scrunched up, icky face.)

(M): What is your favorite song?

(L): My co-op song. (I'm not sure exactly which one he's talking about, but we did KinderMusic in his class during the Fall and he thoroughly enjoyed it!)

(M): What are you looking forward to about turning 4?

(L): Getting to chew gum.

(M): What is your favorite thing to do?

(L): Play outside and build a campfire.

(M): What is your favorite thing to wear?

(L): My snow clothes so I can play in the snow!

(M): Who is your favorite friend?

(L): Brody

(M): What is your favorite thing to do with Mama?

(L): Play with you.

(M): What is your favorite thing to do with Daddy?

(L): Wrestle!

(M): Do you like school?

(L): Yes

(M): What do you like about school?

(L): Getting to be home with you and Ella Beth, and I like to play on the computer.

(M): What is your favorite thing about Ella Beth?

(L): She plays with me. (Said in the sweetest little voice. Love it!)

(M): Where is your favorite place to go?

(L): The train station. (Note: We have never been to a train station. We are planning on going soon after Porter arrives, so maybe he's just anticipating it!)

(M): What does Daddy do all day?

(L): Work

(M): What does Mama do all day?

(L): Stay home with us and play games (Oh, I wish it was just that! ;))

(M): What is your favorite restaurant?

(L): Anywhere with pizza

(M): What do you want to eat on your birthday?

(L): Super Hero food!

(M): I love you, buddy.

(L): I love you.
--
Oh, I could just eat you up, little fella! You've got some fire in you, but Landon, you are one sweet little boy. You genuinely care about others, you are the best snuggle-bug on the planet, and I am blessed to be your mama.

Happy Birthday!

Thank you

First, let me just say that I am thankful for being allowed to be honest. It's not always easy for me (or anyone) to be completely vulnerable. But, I was and it was good for me. 

So here I am now and as I told my friend, Chelsea - I have cried myself a river, built myself a bridge, and now it's time to just get over it.

This pregnancy is a LOT like motherhood. It's just plain hard. But I can't lay in bed each morning scared of getting up because it's too hard. No, I have to embrace it for what it is and dive fully in.

Lest anyone think that I'm not happy to have another sweet baby on the way, let me say that is NOT the case. Sure, this pregnancy was a surprise...but so was Landon's. And boy do I love that kid!!! I am grateful for the opportunity to bring another sweet life into this world and be called his mama. Believe me, no one could think worse things about me than I have thought of myself. I have fought with feeling selfish, stupid, ungrateful, whiny, weak - believe me the list could go on. But, I'm choosing to get on that bridge and get over it.

Besides, I have a sweet little boy who is turning 4 in just 5 short days. What better distraction could I ask for?

Pity Party

I really just need to get this over with. I am going to throw myself a pity party because maybe, just maybe, if I get it all out I'll feel better. I'm not looking for sympathy or for anyone to feel sorry for me. I just need to get it out. It's not going to be pretty, and it's not going to be well-written. It just is what it is.

I am miserable. 

There. I said it.

Everyone that I talk to these days asks how I am feeling/doing. I want to lie and tell everyone that I'm doing OK. Doing fine. Most of the time I do. I mean, I hate to be a downer and tell people that I feel horrible.

But that would be the accurate truth. 

I do feel horrible. I feel awful. I can't do anything without paying for it. If I simply get the clothes out of the dryer and fold them, I hurt. If I fix the kiddos lunch, I hurt. Get a shower? Hurt. And if I get ready after getting a shower? I'm down for the count and just about done for the rest of the day. (Which is why I only get a shower every 2 or 3 days lately. So pardon the smell.)
 
I hate that Ella Beth and Landon have to endure this as well. Both of them have started praying every night that God will "let Porter come out of Mommy's belly so that she will feel better." That breaks my heart. I try my darnedest not to complain about the cramping and contractions in front of the kiddos b/c I don't want to scare them. But kids are smart, and they know when something is going on with their mama. Shoot, even our cat knows because he has become very affectionate and follows me around if I get up.

One of my biggest fears is that the kiddos are going to resent Porter. Resent the fact that this pregnancy is why I can't pick them up, can't wrestle, can't go for walks, can't stand for long periods of time to bake cookies and cupcakes and brownies, can't go to the park, can't....can't....can't. I try to do as much as I can with them on the couch or floor or bed, but it's not the same. A four year old boy can only handle sitting still for so long, ya know? I want them to be elated when their baby brother arrives, but life has already changed and everyone knows how much will change AFTER he gets here. I'm just nervous that once he gets here and we are STILL home bound by a newborn's schedule, that it's all going to be too much for Ella Beth and Landon to understand.

Their behavior is also taking a turn. Mostly Ella Beth's, and it's not for the better. I'm not sure if she's testing me more, or if she's just confused and doesn't know how to handle her emotions. It's probably a mixture with a heavier dose of wild emotions mixed in. I am praying every morning for the Holy Spirit to come through me; not the spirit of Amber. That His fruits of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control will not be clouded or polluted by my own icky-ness. But it gets hard as the days get longer.

And being on bedrest is just plain wretched. It may sound good for a day or two, but believe me, for any longer period it is not. Scott does SO much, and I hate the extra burden that he now has. He works all day and has to come home to setting the dinner table, preparing dinner (or doing what's necessary after someone graciously drops it off), laundry, playing with the kiddos who are wound up b/c they've been pinned up all day, vacuuming, bath time, etc. Scott is a truly wonderful man and has not complained even in the slightest tone of voice, but as his wife I hate it. I love serving him, and I hate not being able to.

And have I mentioned that I feel like I'm turning into mush??? I enjoy exercising, and not being able to even go for a walk is awful. For the first two trimesters, I worked out every other day with prenatal videos. They were great - just enough to make me feel like I was taking care of myself and helping me bounce back after Porter's arrival. Now? Well, to say that I feel like a hibernating bear who is insulating herself with layers of fat would be accurate. I know, I know, taking care of Porter is number one. I know that fully. But as someone who has always dealt with body issues, it's just really hard to take.

I want to cry my eyes out every evening. But I don't. I honestly think that I'm scared to - like once they start they may never stop.

But, I am holding on - though barely it seems. I was 30 weeks pregnant yesterday. And that's a really good thing.

Multitudes on Monday

897. I am 30 weeks pregnant!

898. bubbles in the bathtub

899. lotion that "smells like Heaven" on my babies' skin

900. soft jammies

901. feeding the birds in our backyard

902. baby toys

903. kiddos spending the night with grandparents

904. playing Yahtzee with Scott

905. playing LIFE as a family - quite entertaining with an almost 4 year old and a 5 year old :)

906. listening to Landon sing new songs from Waumba Land

907. being able to "attend" church from bed on Sunday mornings via http://www.northpointonline.tv/

908. pretty Thank You cards to send to friends and family

Psalm 100:4, "Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name."

Just what I needed

Oh, how I love God's timing and His purposefulness. This week has been really hard on me. Although I have felt pretty miserable, I have really allowed myself to become negative about being on bed rest. It's really hard to do nothing all of the time no matter how badly I feel, and I would never wish this on anyone. The kiddos are playing with Scott, and I can't join in their running and wrestling and tickle fights. We go outside on a nice February day, and all I can do is sit while Scott plays hide-and-seek and pushes the kiddos "as high as the sky!" I want to play, too. Waaaa!

But, today in Jesus Calling, the Lord spoke directly to my heart:

"Thank Me for the conditions that are requiring you to be still. Do not spoil these quiet hours by wishing them away, waiting impatiently to be active again. Some of the greatest works in My kingdom have been done from sick beds and prison cells. Instead of resenting the limitations of a weakened body, search for My way in the midst of these very circumstances. Limitations can be liberating when your strongest desire is living close to Me.

Quietness and trust enhance your awareness of My Presence with you. Do not despise these simple ways of serving Me. Although you feel cut off from the activity of the world, your quiet trust makes a powerful statement in spiritual realms. My Strength and Power show themselves most effective in weakness."

Once again, there is the idea of giving the Hard Thanks. To give thanks in everything - everything. When things don't go my way. Give thanks. When things are hard and I feel miserable. Give thanks. When there is not an end in sight. Give thanks.

When I choose to give thanks in all circumstances, I am acknowledging God's sovereignty in my life, AND I am allowing Him to use whatever circumstances come and go in my life for Him.

Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him." (emphasis added)

In all things God works, and He works for the good of those who love Him.

Choosing to trust Him today, and the rest of this pregnancy.

Showered in Blue!

Last Saturday, my mom, mother-in-law, best friend Meredith, and Amber M. threw me a baby shower for Porter. To say that we were blessed is truly an understatement. We were so overwhelmed with the love shown to us by family and sweet friends!

I had LOTS of help opening the gifts. In fact, I only got to open one because Ella Beth was there to do all of the rest. ;)

We got many cute things, like this sweet baby blue frame.

We got blankets and many practical items like wash cloths, snack cups, sippy cups, sheets, and a boo-boo sea turtle!

Ella Beth also enjoyed opening the cards and telling everyone who the gifts were from. And, goodness, look at that belly! How can I possibly be measuring so small???

A sweet little outfit from Aunt Karla.

More cute clothes!

Here I am with two of the hostesses. I can NOT believe that we didn't get a picture with my mom and mother in law. :( And...I may or may not be standing on my tippy toes to look taller between these two girls. ;)

Like I said, to say that we were blessed is an understatement. Here is a picture of everything that is not clothes or blankets.

And here is a picture of only HALF of the clothes that now make up Porter's wardrobe. HALF! And that is Landon's queen sized bed under all of those!!!

Here is Porter's new hamper over half-way filled with even more clothes. Oh. My. Word. This littlest fella has more clothes than Ella Beth and Landon combined!!! 

It was so special to celebrate Porter's upcoming arrival, and we are beyond grateful for the generosity and thoughtfulness of our family and friends! Loads and loads and loads of laundry have been done this week (by Scott, of course). But, I sat in the middle of Landon's bed after each load was "fluffed" and folded and organized all of these precious little clothes. It was so much fun!!!

True Love on Valentine's Day

I read this blog post and thought that it was absolutely perfect for Valentine's Day.

Enjoy.

http://wearethatfamily.com/2012/02/the-key-to-a-good-marriage-free-printable/

Multitudes on Monday

884. being 29 weeks pregnant (it's a wonder what a good priority shift can do to my opinions on pregnancy ;) )

885. a week of not visiting the hospital!

886. Scott who has not complained ONCE about the extra duties he has picked up

887. being showered with love and friendship at my baby shower

888. the amazing generosity of family and friends

889. tiny baby clothes

890. shades of blue

891. Ella Beth running up to give Porter hugs throughout the day

892. sunshine to warm up the house on cold, windy days

893. making funny home videos of the kiddos and their "performances"

894. hot cups of tea

895. a clean kitchen - that I didn't have to clean

896. prayers for Porter, because Scott and I truly believe it's the prayers keeping us strong

1 Corinthians 15:57, "But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ."

28 weeks and counting!

I am 28 weeks pregnant and holding! I can hardly believe I'm in the third trimester, the home stretch! I just got home from the doctor about an hour ago. Things are still the same - measuring "small" and still contracting, but I'm not in labor yet so that's a good thing! I go back on the 24th for an ultrasound and another work-up. Looking forward to seeing my littlest man again.
Heartburn? Yes. I've never had heartburn before, and it's a bit uncomfortable. I know this probably sounds pretty silly, but since I've never had it before...it actually, um, burns. I'm having to think about what I eat b/c I really like spicy foods. Now I am eating Tums with my meals- and reminiscing about my grandparents. ;)
Maternity clothes? Yes. I still have a limited wardrobe, but since I'm rarely allowed out of the house (or off the couch for that matter) it really doesn't bother me to bum around. I am opting for comfort these days!
Weight gain? Kinda. I mean, I've gained weight this pregnancy. Obviously. But I've also lost 3 pounds in the last two weeks. So, no weight gain in the last month.
Swelling? I have started swelling a little bit in my hands and my feet. I definitely swelled more after being in the hospital over the weekend from all of the fluids that I was given, but I don't know if my feet will lose all of the swelling before delivery or not. My hands tend to fluctuate throughout the day.
Cravings? Fruit. I am definitely eating a LOT of fruit with this pregnancy. I've never really been a fruit type of gal; I like my veggies with salt! But, if there is juicy watermelon or pineapple around - or a nice Granny Smith - it doesn't last long. (Those old wives tales about Girls and Fruit have nothing on me!)
Feeling movement? Oh yes! Porter is one active little fella. :) Especially when contractions get him all riled up.

Tired? Oh. My. Word. Why is it that the less I do the more tired I am? Bed rest is definitely restful. And boring. And hard to enjoy. But, I'm trying not to complain. ;)
Favorite pregnancy moment this month? I feel a little guilty because it's been hard to come up with a favorite pregnancy moment this month with everything that has been going on. I am super THANKFUL for doctors and the intelligence they were given, I am THANKFUL for medications to stop pre-term labor and to strengthen my littlest fella's lungs, and our family is THANKFUL for sweet, sweet friends who have been such a blessing to us. But, I guess my favorite moment this month would just be getting prepared. Since we don't know day to day how things are going to go, I went ahead and packed Porter's diaper bag to take to the hospital. It was definitely sweet going through baby things and thinking about using them because it's been a long time since we've had tiny things in this house. I mean, come on, tiny diapers and socks and baby hats are some of the most precious things on the planet. And when I was packing his bag I felt like I was playing!

--
Pictures:

Only one belly shot again this month. Whew, look at that belly!!!



8:07 a.m.

8:07 a.m.

Multitude on Mondays

874. finding a brand new, still sealed in the box, Graco travel system on Craig's List

875. sitting on an exercise ball during painful contractions

876. being less than 20 minutes away from the hospital when I needed to get there quickly

877. nurses who get IVs in on the first stick

878. lab techs who find a vein on the first stick, too

879. being on a fetal heart monitor for hours and hours and listening to Porter's heartbeat

880. my friend, Christina, who can keep me calm with her emails and encouragement

881. Mellow Mushroom pizza - because my mama came to visit and she loves MMP

882. the fact that Ella Beth and Landon have amazing grandparents who are so generous and sacrificing when we need them

883. Scott, because he is such a wonderful man, husband, friend, father, and care taker

Philippians 4:6, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

27 weeks, 5 days...

...and it was back to the hospital I went.

My contractions were very regular Saturday evening, but since that's been the norm I really didn't worry about it. The kiddos and I were home hanging out since Daddy was working late. I had just popped some popcorn, and we were about to cuddle up and watch Peter Pan. But Mama needed to run to the bathroom.

And I was bleeding.

To say that I was overwhelmed and a complete mess is a huge understatement. I called my OB's answering service, and as I was waiting for the nurse to call me back I called my mother-in-law who lives 3 minutes away. I could barely speak through my sobbing, and only managed to get out, "Can you come here right away?"

The nurse called as soon as I hung up with Kathy, and I could barely talk to her either. I did manage to get some deep-ish breaths in, and told her what was going on. She told me to go to the hospital right away. So when Kathy and Cleve (Scott's dad) got here, Kathy and I left.

I get to the hospital, just 7 full days after being there last week, and everything starts again. Of course this time there is bleeding involved, so things are taken extremely seriously. I am also cramping very badly by this point, but they can't do the fetal fibronectin test b/c I am bleeding. They do give me a shot of Terbutaline to make my contractions stop.

(Insert side story - Scott gets pulled over on his way to the hospital. The police officer was taking his sweet time getting out of his squad car, so Scott gets out and starts walking toward him. The officer gets on his loud speaker and orders Scott back into this truck. When the officer gets to Scott's window, he shows him my texts - my room number and all - and the officer says, "Well you had better get going then!" -- Thankful for an understanding officer and no speeding ticket.)

Scott gets to the hospital and gets updated by the nurses, and I am given my first shot of steroids. We finally hit the sack a couple of hours later. But, if you've ever spent the night in a hospital, then you can imagine how much sleep we actually got. Scott says he didn't go to sleep before 3 a.m., and I was still awake at 4 a.m. But we did sleep until almost 7, so we got a little shut-eye in.

The contractions calmed down for the most part, and once again Porter was very adgitated and didn't settle. I don't know how many times the nurses had to come in to the room and "find" him again on the monitor. Needless to say, Scott and I became experts on finding him quickly so that we could get back to sleep.

The doctor ended up giving us our second round of steriods earlier than expected. Man, what painful shots those are. I had to squeeze remove-all-feeling-from Scott's hand b/c they were rough. But we are praying that they do their job and help Porter get ready for his probable early debut. My bleeding has almost stopped, and there is no clear conclusion as to why it happened - which, in all honesty, is not reassuring.

But we are home now, and we are thankful to be here. Modified bed rest continues for me, and I'm trying to be as good as I can. I have given myself THREE goals for the rest of February: 1) make it to my baby shower this Saturday, 2) make it to Landon's birthday party on the 26th, and 3) NOT go back to the hospital!

Thank you for your continued prayers on this crazy journey called Pregnancy #3. I am trying to remember all of the times that the Lord has been faithful to me and to our family in the past, and I am clinging to the Truth that His promises are always true. And maybe, just maybe, I'll have a new topic for my next few blog posts!

Dr. Appointment

27 weeks, 5 days.

I had an appointment yesterday morning with my regular OB. It went OK. I feel like I am just in this middle ground of not being in labor, but being so close that life is a little uncertain and hanging in limbo. But I'm just trying to take one day at a time and trust in God's timing.

I am still having contractions. They have not been coming as often, but they are getting more painful. I still have a couple of hours each day - sometimes around lunch, sometimes in the early evening - where I will have 10-15 contractions an hour. Those times get a little worrisome; and very uncomfortable. I am drinking so much water I feel slushy inside (and run to the bathroom every 15 minutes), so I know that I'm not dehydrated. It seems that this truly is my "normal," but it's hard to get used to.

I go back next Thursday for more tests to see if the contractions are causing any change. If they are, the doctor said my only next step would be hospital bed rest. Those are some dreaded words to think about. So let's not.

--
Things at home are going pretty well. I have surprised myself by actually slowing down. Once I did it, it was nice. It seems like our days have just taken on a new pace, and we are enjoying being at home more and more. No rushing out the door numerous times a week, just taking each day as it comes and finding fun and creative things to do at home. I am working on cutting out a LOT of hearts with my Cricut so that we have supplies to do multiple Valentine's Day crafts over the next couple of weeks. ;) School has been going really well because our schedule has relaxed a little bit. If we don't get started until 10, have to take a break in the middle of Math for lunch, and then don't finish until 2 - it's A-OK! Everything we need to get done is getting done. This whole experience could be God slowing me down on purpose to prepare me for when Porter gets here.

Thank you for your prayers, calls, emails, and the most delicious meals that have come and are on their way. Scott and I are humbled, and we are thankful.

This is...

hard. And it's going to be really difficult to keep my resolution of not complaining.

This whole "taking it easy" is for the birds someone other than me. I mean, there are crumbs all over my kitchen floor from the messiest eater on the planet who lives in our home, the school room is getting more disorganized each hour the kiddos are awake, and Ella Beth's room needs "Caution: Hazzard Area" tape hanging floor to ceiling.

But most of all, my arms are lonely. And good ol' mama-guilt is settling in.

Both of my little ones are still pretty little and hold-able, and the littlest (for now) boy really loves to be held. Not in a nagging sort of way, but in that sweet "I still love my mama" kinda way. And I hate that I have to tell him and his sister that I can't hold them for who knows how much longer.

I know, we can cuddle on the couch and floor and snuggle in bed...but there's just something unnatural about denying sweet little lifted-up arms. And it's breaking this mama's heart. 

But, I'm trying really hard to follow orders. Because I have two more little arms that need to grow stronger so that they, too, can ask this mama to hold them.