1725. sunshiny days for little league baseball games
1726. sweet boys having fun hitting the ball and running the bases
1727. Birdie going into the dugout and taking care of the boys (such a sweet mama heart she has)
1728. how excited all the boys get about end-of-game snacks :)
1729. beautiful sunny days for walking around on strong legs
1730. eyes that can see and ears that can hear all of the beauty of creation
1731. Peanut waking up and talking in his bed
1732. sleepy smiles first thing in the morning
1733. family game time when the tiny one is sleeping or otherwise occupied
1734. a good vacuum cleaner to clean up after two messy boys
1735. the energy to clean up after two messy boys
1736. clean bathroom counters - even if they only stay clean for {maybe} half a day
1737. The Fresh Beat Band cd
1738. Birdie girl begging me to come back and sing in her Sunday school worship because she misses me
1739. Peanut wrapping his sweet little arms around my neck and giving me a hug
Revelation 7:12, “Praise and glory and wisdom and thanks and honor and power and strength be to our God for ever and ever. Amen!”
Monday, April 22, 2013
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Living without Him
Four years ago, our daughter, Birdie, was very sick. She was a patient at Scottish Rite for 29 days. She had severe diarrhea and vomiting that would not stop even when put on Zofran and other drugs through an IV. For almost an entire month, test after test after test was run on Birdie, but the doctors always came back without answers. The doctors, nurses, and specialists all wore Hazmat suits when they came into her room because they were so concerned about her undiagnosed-illness spreading.
During that month, I prayed more fervently than at any other time in my life. I prayed for answers. I prayed for healing. I prayed that IVs would go in easily. I prayed for quiet nights of rest. None of those prayers were answered, and I didn't know what to do with that. For the first time in my life, I was angry. And I wasn't just angry at anyone - I was angry at God. Why didn't He just heal my daughter? Why did it take 37 sticks to get one IV in? Why couldn't we go just one night without nurses having to come in and clean up yet another mess in the bed or on the floor?
For a long time I didn't know what to do with that anger. I've been a Christian since I was 11, and things have always seemed to go my way. I graduated college with high ranks, I married a wonderful man, we created a beautiful family, and life was simply blessed. So when our lives were turned upside down with an illness that struck our daughter, my faith ran straight into a brick wall. Hard.
I can specifically remember looking at my Bible and thinking, "God, you've let me down. And now, I'm just going to put this away and not talk to you anymore." I took my Bible, and I placed it in a drawer of my nightstand. It stayed there for 11 months.
I continued to go to church and go through the motions without allowing God to penetrate my heart. In fact, I worked at a church during this time. A big, prominent church that reaches hundreds of thousands each week. Sometimes, I would think that if the pastor ever found out about my doubts and anger toward God, He'd fire me in a heartbeat.
You see, Birdie's illness didn't end after our 29 day stint at Scottish Rite. For the next two years, there were many doctor's visits, specialist visits, medications, probiotics, trips to the ER for IV fluids. Throughout that time, I continued to push my unresponsive God out of my life. He "stayed" in the drawer of my nightstand, and I never let Him out. Friends prayed for me, gave me books, sent me cards of encouragement in the mail. I am thankful that I had those things, but they are not what led me to opening that closed drawer and taking God back out.
You see, in those 2 years I found that living with God, even when He's not answering my prayers, is better than living without Him. Living in and wrestling with the pain of unanswered prayers was hard, but doing it without God was insurmountable. I had no hope to cling to without Jesus. All I had was my anger and fear, and neither of those without God was doing me any good. Once I took God back out, I found that He could handle my anger. Instead of refusing to talk to Him, I did the exact opposite. I took all of my anger and hurt and frustration and disappointment straight to Him. I cried to Him, I yelled at Him, I broke down prostrate in front of Him. And He took it all.
You see, when I became a Christian and lived the Christian life for the next 20 years, I believed the lie that since I was a Christian good things will befall me. Things will go my way, life will be good - because I have God on my side. Because of that lie, when life suddenly went "wrong," my faith in the God I thought I knew flew out the window. Those 11 long months without participating in my relationship with my Heavenly Father taught me more than any of the previous 20 years. I had never known what it meant to live without God; to think that I'll just do life on my own. "I don't need You," was my attitude.
That was the greatest lie of all. Because whether life goes my way, or whether it doesn't - I need Jesus. We all need Jesus. Not just at the end of our days when death draws near and we want to sneak our way into Heaven. No, we need Jesus every day of our lives. We need Him to guide us through the muck and the mire. To be there when we need a shoulder to cry on or a person to scream at. Only He can take it all.
That is why this blog is titled Our Hope is in Truth. Because only in Truth can we put our hope. And the Truth is that God loves us. No matter what comes to pass in our lives - good, bad, ugly, beauty, misery, heartbreak, beauty, sickness, death, healing, unforgiveness, loss, gain, failure - no matter what God loves us. And we can choose to live our lives with Him or without Him. I've tried both, and living with God - even when bad things happen - is better than living without Him.
During that month, I prayed more fervently than at any other time in my life. I prayed for answers. I prayed for healing. I prayed that IVs would go in easily. I prayed for quiet nights of rest. None of those prayers were answered, and I didn't know what to do with that. For the first time in my life, I was angry. And I wasn't just angry at anyone - I was angry at God. Why didn't He just heal my daughter? Why did it take 37 sticks to get one IV in? Why couldn't we go just one night without nurses having to come in and clean up yet another mess in the bed or on the floor?
For a long time I didn't know what to do with that anger. I've been a Christian since I was 11, and things have always seemed to go my way. I graduated college with high ranks, I married a wonderful man, we created a beautiful family, and life was simply blessed. So when our lives were turned upside down with an illness that struck our daughter, my faith ran straight into a brick wall. Hard.
I can specifically remember looking at my Bible and thinking, "God, you've let me down. And now, I'm just going to put this away and not talk to you anymore." I took my Bible, and I placed it in a drawer of my nightstand. It stayed there for 11 months.
I continued to go to church and go through the motions without allowing God to penetrate my heart. In fact, I worked at a church during this time. A big, prominent church that reaches hundreds of thousands each week. Sometimes, I would think that if the pastor ever found out about my doubts and anger toward God, He'd fire me in a heartbeat.
You see, Birdie's illness didn't end after our 29 day stint at Scottish Rite. For the next two years, there were many doctor's visits, specialist visits, medications, probiotics, trips to the ER for IV fluids. Throughout that time, I continued to push my unresponsive God out of my life. He "stayed" in the drawer of my nightstand, and I never let Him out. Friends prayed for me, gave me books, sent me cards of encouragement in the mail. I am thankful that I had those things, but they are not what led me to opening that closed drawer and taking God back out.
You see, in those 2 years I found that living with God, even when He's not answering my prayers, is better than living without Him. Living in and wrestling with the pain of unanswered prayers was hard, but doing it without God was insurmountable. I had no hope to cling to without Jesus. All I had was my anger and fear, and neither of those without God was doing me any good. Once I took God back out, I found that He could handle my anger. Instead of refusing to talk to Him, I did the exact opposite. I took all of my anger and hurt and frustration and disappointment straight to Him. I cried to Him, I yelled at Him, I broke down prostrate in front of Him. And He took it all.
You see, when I became a Christian and lived the Christian life for the next 20 years, I believed the lie that since I was a Christian good things will befall me. Things will go my way, life will be good - because I have God on my side. Because of that lie, when life suddenly went "wrong," my faith in the God I thought I knew flew out the window. Those 11 long months without participating in my relationship with my Heavenly Father taught me more than any of the previous 20 years. I had never known what it meant to live without God; to think that I'll just do life on my own. "I don't need You," was my attitude.
That was the greatest lie of all. Because whether life goes my way, or whether it doesn't - I need Jesus. We all need Jesus. Not just at the end of our days when death draws near and we want to sneak our way into Heaven. No, we need Jesus every day of our lives. We need Him to guide us through the muck and the mire. To be there when we need a shoulder to cry on or a person to scream at. Only He can take it all.
That is why this blog is titled Our Hope is in Truth. Because only in Truth can we put our hope. And the Truth is that God loves us. No matter what comes to pass in our lives - good, bad, ugly, beauty, misery, heartbreak, beauty, sickness, death, healing, unforgiveness, loss, gain, failure - no matter what God loves us. And we can choose to live our lives with Him or without Him. I've tried both, and living with God - even when bad things happen - is better than living without Him.
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Out of the mouths of...adults
Maybe it shouldn't, but it still shocks me at the things adults - full-grown-up-people - will say to another person. I have heard about the careless things people have said to friends during their pregnancies (e.g. "You're sooo big, you look like you're carrying twins."), but right now I have found myself dealing with things people say about our Peanut.
I almost dread now when people ask me how old he is, because it's always after my answer that WhoKnowsWhat will come out of peoples' mouths.
He's one? Why is he so small?
What? He can't be one, he's too puny.
He's already one? Is something wrong with him?
Seriously! How rude, callous, inconsiderate, uncouth can people be. Yes, I know the Peanut is small...but his Daddy and I surely aren't giants ourselves. While I don't mind going into Peanut's story of being 2 months early and trying to play catch-up with explosive reflux...I usually don't have time when someone makes one of those dreadful comments. I'm usually walking out of the store. Or I'm running into the store to the bathroom with all three. Or I'm in the checkout line at the grocery trying to place all of my groceries on the belt while also juggling Peanut in the carrier while also making sure the bigger kiddos aren't knocking things off the candy stands. A semi-lengthy answer to a simple, "How old is he?" question just isn't easy most of the time. I know that Peanut is healthy, and he's quite a happy little fella. I wish others' comments didn't ruffle my feathers so, but it just does.
Instead of letting my frustration fester and cause my blood pressure to rise, I now feel empowered to really watch what I say. Proverbs 13:3 says, "Those who control their tongue will have a long life; opening your mouth can ruin everything." I hope that I am able to hold my tongue or think twice before making what I think is just a "little comment." I don't want to be the cause of ruining someone's day simply because of something careless I say. Words have more impact than many, many things. I pray that my words will have an impact for the good of others. And I pray that I will smile and give grace to those whose words slip out a little more carelessly than they should.
I almost dread now when people ask me how old he is, because it's always after my answer that WhoKnowsWhat will come out of peoples' mouths.
He's one? Why is he so small?
What? He can't be one, he's too puny.
He's already one? Is something wrong with him?
Seriously! How rude, callous, inconsiderate, uncouth can people be. Yes, I know the Peanut is small...but his Daddy and I surely aren't giants ourselves. While I don't mind going into Peanut's story of being 2 months early and trying to play catch-up with explosive reflux...I usually don't have time when someone makes one of those dreadful comments. I'm usually walking out of the store. Or I'm running into the store to the bathroom with all three. Or I'm in the checkout line at the grocery trying to place all of my groceries on the belt while also juggling Peanut in the carrier while also making sure the bigger kiddos aren't knocking things off the candy stands. A semi-lengthy answer to a simple, "How old is he?" question just isn't easy most of the time. I know that Peanut is healthy, and he's quite a happy little fella. I wish others' comments didn't ruffle my feathers so, but it just does.
Instead of letting my frustration fester and cause my blood pressure to rise, I now feel empowered to really watch what I say. Proverbs 13:3 says, "Those who control their tongue will have a long life; opening your mouth can ruin everything." I hope that I am able to hold my tongue or think twice before making what I think is just a "little comment." I don't want to be the cause of ruining someone's day simply because of something careless I say. Words have more impact than many, many things. I pray that my words will have an impact for the good of others. And I pray that I will smile and give grace to those whose words slip out a little more carelessly than they should.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Right now
Right now, this is how we get our homeschool work done with the baby:
He pulls out all the books in our school room. Here, he's "caught":
And here he's happy because Mama called him "Silly boy!!"
He pulls out all the books in our school room. Here, he's "caught":
And here he's happy because Mama called him "Silly boy!!"
Monday, April 15, 2013
Multitudes on Monday
1713. a beautiful Saturday for 5-year old baseball
1714. seeing Buddy-Ro in his full uniform - sunglasses and all
1715. Zyrtec for the allergies that just won't go away
1716. Flonase for the itchy eyes that drive us crazy
1717. eating ice cream twice in one weekend just because I can (not because I should!)
1718. dogwood trees that are in full bloom in our back yard
1719. sunshine to warm up the days so the kiddos can get outside and explore
1720. Aquaphor and Desitin for the Peanut who has had horrible diaper rash due to teething
1721. putting the Peanut in onesies and little jumpers that show off his sweet arms and legs
1722. Birdie-girl learning to brush her own hair - she is now responsible for whether or not she has a head full of tangles. With her tender head, she should learn quickly that the more she brushes the less tangles she'll have!
1723. Peanut doing well in the nursery at church for my first Sunday back in service
1724. singing Matt Redman's 10,000 Reasons and looking forward to many more blessings to thank God for
2 Corinthians 4:15, "And as God’s grace reaches more and more people, there will be great thanksgiving, and God will receive more and more glory."
1714. seeing Buddy-Ro in his full uniform - sunglasses and all
1715. Zyrtec for the allergies that just won't go away
1716. Flonase for the itchy eyes that drive us crazy
1717. eating ice cream twice in one weekend just because I can (not because I should!)
1718. dogwood trees that are in full bloom in our back yard
1719. sunshine to warm up the days so the kiddos can get outside and explore
1720. Aquaphor and Desitin for the Peanut who has had horrible diaper rash due to teething
1721. putting the Peanut in onesies and little jumpers that show off his sweet arms and legs
1722. Birdie-girl learning to brush her own hair - she is now responsible for whether or not she has a head full of tangles. With her tender head, she should learn quickly that the more she brushes the less tangles she'll have!
1723. Peanut doing well in the nursery at church for my first Sunday back in service
1724. singing Matt Redman's 10,000 Reasons and looking forward to many more blessings to thank God for
2 Corinthians 4:15, "And as God’s grace reaches more and more people, there will be great thanksgiving, and God will receive more and more glory."
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Long days
The quote "The days are long but the years are short" pulls at my heart-strings every time.
But what do you do with those long days? With the child who is just plain difficult? With the messes that never cease and the arguing that never ends? What do you do with the laundry that piles up and the bills that keep coming in? What do you do with the needs that never seem to be fully met - the kiddos' or your own?
It would be so nice if life came with an easy button. A button to push on those extra long days to simply make whatever is going wrong, right. God could have made life work like that. Sometimes knowing that can send me into a tailspin. Why didn't He just make life easier?
The only answer is: He desires a relationship with us. He wants us to call upon His name, to reach out to the only one who knows how long and hard our days can be.
Meredith is the person that I call and say, "Can I just talk to you for a minute? Everything that could go wrong today, has." I don't call her expecting an answer to my problems. I call her because she is there. She's my friend, and I know that nothing I say will shock her, make her think less of me, or even bother her. We have a relationship. We are connected in friendship.
And that's only a taste of what we can have with our Heavenly Father. A connection where He will always be there. Nothing I do or confess will shock Him or make Him think less of me. Nothing I ever do will change His love for me. It's that Grace that gets me through the long days.
Through His grace, I can look at the cup of sticky chocolate milk that has spilled down the entire refrigerator and understand that these days are short. While I won't necessarily miss wiping down every.single.item in the fridge as food sits on the dinner table getting cold, I can take a deep breath and know that I will miss those sweet little hands that sat the milk in the fridge.
But I only gain that perspective by running to the One who calls me by name. Running to Him with my own sticky hands and tear-stained face knowing that our relationship is enough.
The days do get long, but His grace lasts much longer.
But what do you do with those long days? With the child who is just plain difficult? With the messes that never cease and the arguing that never ends? What do you do with the laundry that piles up and the bills that keep coming in? What do you do with the needs that never seem to be fully met - the kiddos' or your own?
It would be so nice if life came with an easy button. A button to push on those extra long days to simply make whatever is going wrong, right. God could have made life work like that. Sometimes knowing that can send me into a tailspin. Why didn't He just make life easier?
The only answer is: He desires a relationship with us. He wants us to call upon His name, to reach out to the only one who knows how long and hard our days can be.
Meredith is the person that I call and say, "Can I just talk to you for a minute? Everything that could go wrong today, has." I don't call her expecting an answer to my problems. I call her because she is there. She's my friend, and I know that nothing I say will shock her, make her think less of me, or even bother her. We have a relationship. We are connected in friendship.
And that's only a taste of what we can have with our Heavenly Father. A connection where He will always be there. Nothing I do or confess will shock Him or make Him think less of me. Nothing I ever do will change His love for me. It's that Grace that gets me through the long days.
Through His grace, I can look at the cup of sticky chocolate milk that has spilled down the entire refrigerator and understand that these days are short. While I won't necessarily miss wiping down every.single.item in the fridge as food sits on the dinner table getting cold, I can take a deep breath and know that I will miss those sweet little hands that sat the milk in the fridge.
But I only gain that perspective by running to the One who calls me by name. Running to Him with my own sticky hands and tear-stained face knowing that our relationship is enough.
The days do get long, but His grace lasts much longer.
Monday, April 8, 2013
Multitudes on Monday
1701. a long weekend away with Scott to celebrate our 10 year anniversary (a week early due to baseball games)
1702. beautiful weather all weekend long
1703. being treated like celebrities for three whole days
1704. eating like royalty
1705. not having to cook or do dishes for three straight days
1706. hiking 7 miles on Saturday morning to visit a paradise setting
1707. strong legs for biking 25+ miles in two days
1708. great quality time with the love of my life
1709. loving and fun grandparents who graciously keep the kiddos so Mama and Daddy can enjoy time away (Birdie with my mom and the boys with Scott's parents)
1710. being exhausted physically but rested mentally
1711. coming home to the sweet family Scott and I have made together
1712. thanking God for each other and many more years to come
Psalm 138:1, "I give you thanks, O Lord, with all my heart; I will sing your praises."
1702. beautiful weather all weekend long
1703. being treated like celebrities for three whole days
1704. eating like royalty
1705. not having to cook or do dishes for three straight days
1706. hiking 7 miles on Saturday morning to visit a paradise setting
1707. strong legs for biking 25+ miles in two days
1708. great quality time with the love of my life
1709. loving and fun grandparents who graciously keep the kiddos so Mama and Daddy can enjoy time away (Birdie with my mom and the boys with Scott's parents)
1710. being exhausted physically but rested mentally
1711. coming home to the sweet family Scott and I have made together
1712. thanking God for each other and many more years to come
Psalm 138:1, "I give you thanks, O Lord, with all my heart; I will sing your praises."
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